giving thanks

Eadie...my favoritest buddy

Thanksgiving is mostly associated with eating turkey, gathering with family, and football. Today I am at home, by myself, which is fine--it's my choosing. And while I'm perfectly content with that because family-hoopla isn't really my thing. But I must confess, I do wish I had a partner to spend the day with...but what's new?!?

In spite of that, I am still thankful for plenty today:

Eadith Louise....my trusty 4-legged companion of 13 yrs

Healthy family & animals

Girlfriends who make me laugh & let me cry

Gluten-free baking

Blue skies & sunshine

My Jeep

Vibrators :)

Finding my art voice

The internet & all who share themselves there

A steady paycheck

Polaroids

Morning coffee

Getting to meet my UK penpal after 20 yrs

Possibilities

Scottish men in kilts

Netflix

Mani/pedi's

I could keep going & I'm sure get even sillier with it....point is, it's not difficult to get into a grateful frame of mind if you give yourself permission. And not just one day a year, but each & every day...especially the ones that feel grey & gloomy.

However, today is beautiful and bright & clear & crisp & cool. I have hours & hours to make art (although struggling a bit w/ getting going after an almost month-long hiatus) & 4 days of freedom from the cube. I mean, that alone is enough to be grateful for.

xoxo!

sugar & spice & creating is nice

mmm, can't wait to get this & start baking

My brain is buzzing with creative cravings...so many ideas are slamming to the surface. I feel like it's a sea of little kids each with their hand up screaming "me!" "me!" "me!".

After my art show I decided to take a wee break from creating, especially as I used part of the time to get reorganized in my teeny workspace & get the rest of my house decluttered so I could actually think & breathe while at home. That's been accomplished, yet I've been sorta unmotivated in the world of creativity lately...with a faint eye on the 4-day weekend up ahead for Thanksgiving with no family obligations/plans & intending to use it for creative endeavors. But it's been a bit of a blurry goal. Nothing specific, just "make art."

My lack of creative motivation has undoubtably been due to my overall motivation--been in a bit of the dumps lately, just feeling blah as usual (and irritated that I still am). As as result (and after a cookie-dough-induced-depression all last weekend making for a useless weekend), I've decided I have GOT to get off sugar. I'm gluten-free & dairy-free, but I've found plenty of tasty "legal" goodies chock full of sugar to enjoy. Trouble is, just as I get with glutenated sugary foods, gluten-free sugary foods still mess me up. After the depression-induced gluten-free cookie dough experience, I decided that's it...no more...and I've been sugar-free for about 4 days now. And guess what--the pep is coming back to my step & the creative juices are starting to churn & flow again. So much that I feel a bit flooded just now...assemblage, mosaic, writing, photographs, jewelry, xmas ornaments, furniture restoration...I mean, it's just 4 days off...where do I start?!

So I'm going to give sugar-free a new chance...especially if I can still enjoy yummmies made in a slightly different way. I've been sugar-free before...in fact, I abstained from sugar for 3 whole years & was better for it, but the contast deprivation was depressing in & of itself sometimes. I'm really looking forward to getting this book (hopefully before Thanksgiving weekend, so I can treat myself to something nice) & see if an alternative sugar* diet might be a happier medium than all or nothing and I sure hope so. I'll report back what I come up with...both in the oven & the workshop!

xoxo!

*when I say alternative, I'm not talking chemically sugar substitutes either--I'm talking natural sweetners that have a lower glycemic index & don't jack w/ my brain in crazy ways.

missing kissing

lips

You know that soul feasting, mouth watering, lip devouring kissing that only happens when the passion & the partner come together in a hungry dance of unquenchable union?!

I've only had 2 partners who have been my ulimate kissing twin...whose kisses were so all-consuming that we could carry on in a lip embrace for hours, mouths melting into each other like mercury, breathes taken in syncronicity, with a hunger to consume the other driving each oral movement. The kind of kissing where intercourse can only serve as mere punctuation to the flowery prose written in kisses.

Yeah, I miss that...

xoxo!

be still

be still, assemblage by me

It's not unreturned love, from a certain someone, that hurts, Katherine. It's just that sometimes the "thing" you're focusing on, keeps you from feeling all the love that others are sending you.

Especially me, me, me - The Universe

PS: In other words, Katherine, the more it seems that "love" hurts, the more you can be sure it's something else.

I thought today's Notes from the Universe was ironic given yesterday's blog post. Thanks Universe!

Also, now that I'm organized in my little art-making area & enjoying the unclutteredness of my house overall, I'm starting to look forward to using my Thanksgiving 4-day weekend time off to start diving back into making some art. Could mean the clutter & chaos come back out yet again, but I'd like to try to manage it better this time around, see if I can't keep it from taking over the entire house for a change. We shall see...

Funnily enough, I've been daydreaming about these little mini-collage/vision/inspiration cards that I ran across at record the day and I'm itching to figure out how I can incorporate something similar either into my artwork or just my daily creativity. Again, we shall see...

xoxo!

the lonelies

very cool fountain (name unknown), Birmingham, UK

Been gripped with loneliness lately. And not necessarily the kind from not being around people--while I can be a bit of a loner (by choice), I'm around people at work & I have friends whom I see on occassion; however, even in the midst of these options of people, I still feel quite lonely & choose more often than not, to spend my time alone.

I'm definitley lonely for someone in particular. Sometimes I'm lonely for anyone in general. I have a love I haven't seen in 2 yrs. It's complicated & I won't go into the details or analysis of why it's been 2 whole fucking years. Suffice it to say, there is someone whom I miss deeply & daily...for hundreds & hundreds of days now. It's been hard to hold on, yet equally hard to let go because there's still a love that flows both ways, but circumstances (and perhaps some stubborness and/or reasons unknown to me) have kept us apart.

I have been gentle with myself (maybe too gentle at this rate), allowing myself to let go alittle at a time, yet somehow I still cling to those future hopes & dreams I created in the past....before 2 years became my reality. I've even allowed myself a very brief tryst with someone & tried to nurture thoughts of perhaps finding another to love. It's been hard. I've been slow to release my heart & I think because of this, I subconciously keep myself in a state of loneliness...lonely for him as well as lonely for someone who's not him.

Most days I just want to be wanted. Some days I'm convinced I only want to be wanted by him. And on a few rare days, unlike today, I'm confident that it'll all even out & I will find someone I don't have to long for.

ps: it probably doesn't help that today is his birthday.

xoxo!

comparison vs inspiration

she often came unhinged, [SOLD] assemblage by me

It's easy to get caught in the swirls of comparison...to others' work, situations, successes (perceived or real)...for those who have gone before you or maybe even alongside you but who've gotten maybe more attention than you.

I spend alot...and I mean ALOT...of time online reading blogs. {yes, I know "a lot" is actually 2 words, but I think it looks better as 1} I read through blogs of those who do similar artwork that I do. I read blogs of those who do things I wish I could do. And I also read blogs of those who do all sorts of stuff in between...food, lifestyle, gardening, decorating, writing, photography, fashion, inspiration, animals, ecology, etc, etc. There are a kazillion out there, as any blogger knows.

I spent alot of time in a haze of comparison as I was figuring out how to be an artist & trying my hand at blogging while trying to determine the point of each. I've since realized there's no room for envious comparison. And really what these glorious people are doing is inspiring me to be better, to try harder, to reach deeper & dream bigger. The voyueristic quality of blogs lets me know I'm not alone, even if I feel like it 99.9% of the time. But really that I'm not alone in my struggles, my desires, my roadblocks, my internal chatter, or even my ability to achieve. I used to get mired down in comparison--even to people doing things outside of anything I ever intended to do (because dammit most of the times I want to do it all). I would be envious of what they were doing & how well it seemed to be going for them & how easily it seemed their successes were coming whenever they'd simply seem to ask for it, and on & on.

But really I've learned to turn that comparison into inspiration...to be inspired by their gone-bef0re-me status and the fact that they achieved what they set about & asked for. It gives me the extra boost to know that if I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I too can achieve what I'm setting out for (even if most days I'm not entirely sure what exactly I'm aiming to achieve) and also start getting things that I ask for.

Take my artwork: I asked for an outlet for my creativity & I stumbled into the wonderful world of assemblage. I asked for something to "do" with my artwork (instead of it just sitting around my house), and I was given an artshow (where I was able to sell 7 of the 9 pieces I displayed). This is how it happens--this also seems to be mostly how it's happend for those who've gone before that I read about day in & day out (because trust me, I've gone back & started at their beginnings to see where they've come from).

So I choose to be only inspired instead of envious...and to be ever so grateful for those who've gone before (in whatever way they have) and been brave enough to share their experiences (both good & not so great) along the way via their blogs.

xoxo!

clearing the clutter

I wish I had befores, but here are the afters of my little art studio re-org space. It's the first room you enter when you come thru the front door & having it so cluttered & junky was not a comforting or welcoming way to enter my home.

I'm hoping I can keep it kept nice & neat even when I'm knee deep in creating and making stuff. It's just so nice to be free of the visual chaos all over the house (well my dining room still has some things scattered on the table that need sifting through). As so often happens when I embark on any of my annual cleaning sprees (no I'm not a very devote housekeeper--I mean I try to clean more regularly, but I'm very lazy about it), I get that sense of accomplishment and wish it was enough to remind me not to let things get junky as the days go on & the projects get started, etc, etc. Sorta like exercising: when you do it, you're glad you did & can't believe you left so much time pass where you didn't...it's a theme in my life: cleaning, exercising, eating right. Don't get me started...

I must remind myself that the creativity flows more freely when I'm not having to function over & around & underneath piles. But I also have to give myself a break & know that when the creativity is flowing, shit starts flying around & piling up & getting crazy because I can't break the cycle to pick up after myself every other minute while I'm making art. And that's just part of the process...for me anyway.

xoxo!

Re-Org '09 and avant garden

"avant garden" mixed media assemblage (sold), by me

Thought I'd start posting some of the close-ups from the pieces from the show. I've been pretty knackered ever since...guess the CFS is acting up after that week of high adrenaline of getting it all together.

Since then & thanks to the generosity of my mother, I have been focusing my efforts on Re-Org '09. I got some new shelves from Ikea for the studio space to a) provide more work room and b) more storage capacity. I spent an evening assembling the darn things. Then another night clearing out the studio space so the shelves could go in. Another night starting the migration of the now-wayward other furniture items into other areas & uses around the house, plus re-migrating art things back into it's new space. And now with the weekend, I'm really diving into the studio itself to get it all organized & all the bits collected from around the house. It's going well, but I've hit a bit of a wall since I've been up since 4:00 doing it.

I wish I would have taken a "before" shot of the studio space, but alas, I was so eager to make it all better that I forgot to snap one (i will post "afters" since I promised mom I'd show her how it turned out). Needless to say, I know what the difference is & that's really all that matters. Plus who would have thought that organizing my studio space would mean that my utility room got a much-needed revamp, I will be able to eat on my dining table again, and that I repurposed other furniture items into much more functional roles in other rooms?!

It's a really good feeling, even though I'm not 100% complete yet, to get this massive undertaking underway & reclaim a clutter-free (or mostly anyway) house! Yay me & thanks mom!!!

xoxo!

above assemblage constructed using: thrift store frame, spoon, wire, tin & found bits of random hardware assembled to look like flowers, wax, bits of vintage paper & modern cardstock.

post-show

me in front of my pieces, 3117 White Oak, Nov 1, 2009

I think the art show was a success! I had alot of support from friends & family coming out, and had a nice time visiting with the other exhibited artists. Plus, I ended up selling 7 of my 9 pieces before it was all said & done (granted it was mostly by said friends & family, but still), a success none the less. I got some great feeback from strangers too...including other artists, so I feel like my pieces were well received even by those not required to ohh & ahh!

I didn't feel as sad to see them "go away" as I thought I might. Of course, I haven't actually packed them up to send to their waiting homes yet, so perhaps I'll get a smidge of sadness upon saying the final goodbyes. I'm happy though that they will go where they can be appreciated. I am also glad my mother bought one of my favorites, so it's staying "in the family" and I will see it again! :)

So now what? I have new ideas in my journal & some partiallly started, but I have zero creative energy at the moment. And I need energy...for cleaning up. My house is a complete & chaotic disaster area. I have art supplies & misc art crap strewn about in virtually every room of my tiny house, making it feel all the tinier. I was fortunate to be able to go out & buy some new storage shelving, etc. to reorganize my studio space now that the madness of finalizing those 9 pieces is complete; however, the studio needs to be cleared of all its contents first, the shelving assembled & installed in the studio area, and every little cluttery thing divided and organized and stored within the new set up.

Did I mention I have zero creative energy right now. While the re-org is all so very needed & way overdue, it's all feeling very overwhelming because the truth is, I feel all kinds of chaotic inside & out lately. I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. I've been allowing myself to walk that familiar Russian roulette with things I've already proven to be harmful to me & my well being. And because of this, I've been feeling my chronic fatigue coming back to the surface in a way I haven't felt in awhile now. I've been laying off my supplements, thinking I was beyond them, but have started now to feel puny again. I haven't been exercising & I've been getting lax w/ my g-free food options & sugar & caffeine. I feel heavy & achey & slow, both physically and mentally. I am exhausted & tired & run down all at the same time. I'm not eating well or sleeping all that great either. It's the usual vicious cycle of personal unwellness & I'm stuck on the hamster wheel of non-self-care.

So for right now (and maybe til year's end after which I hope to embark on that writing e-course & the self-seeking photography course) I need to focus on taking better care of myself...loving myself, treating myself with kindness & gentleness & refueling my creative fires as I forge on into this creative life.

xoxo!