pros & cons

Even though I've been dreaming about moving back to Austin for what feels like AGES now, the truth is, Austin has changed quite a bit in the 11 years since I've been gone. And while I've ragged on Houston a lot in my 11 years of calling it home, there are actually things I will miss about being here...and things I'm not entirely excited about in the new Austin.

photo of Houston skyline by my buddy Gene Inman.

Let me just get this out of the way: I will not miss the HUMIDITY or the MOSQUITOES. I will also not miss: hurricane season, flash flooding, the Rodeo, the 425 Allen Parkway closures annually, the HUGE stray dog problem, the humidity & the mosquitoes. Wait, did I already mention the humidity & mosquitoes? Yeah, really not gonna miss those.

Things I Will Miss About Houston:
My girlfriends, of course. The girls I've connected with here are throwbacks to my junior high days & I'm so honored that I was able to re-connect with them right when I first moved here. So grateful that I have gotten spend so many fun times with them again in our adult years!

Corner Bakery chocolate muffins.

Cafe Express deli trio salad.

Salata salad wraps.

LaGriglia belinis, and the free before-meal pizza bread & after-meal cookies.

El Tiempo queso & sausage fajitas.

[wait I'm sensing a pattern quickly emerging!]

Living 15 minutes away from just about everything I need.

Texas Art Asylum.

The dude at Texas Junk Company.

Granitas at Agora coffee house.

The springtime jasmine aroma that fills the air & the brilliant pink azalea blooms that paint this city pink.

Memorial Park.

The hope of revisiting certain date spots with a certain someone.

My long-timer dog clients: Lady, Penny, Mister, Bo, & Charlie.

My cute 1890's house in the historic Old Sixth Ward neighborhood.

Direct flights.

The eclectic Houston skyline.

I'm sure there are more that are escaping me at the moment...things I'll miss once I'm really gone. But also I'm sure I'll be back to Houston at some point, and then I can revisit some of these like a long-lost lover. But until then, here's to looking ahead...embracing what will be new, different, and the same...back in Austin.

xoxo!

new beginnings

While it's been in the works for months (well in all honesty, it's been in the works for years), but it's officially official...I'm finally making my way back to Austin!

I'm a month away from the move, a move I've been dreaming about off/on for the last 11 years that I've been living in Houston, and I'm finally getting a bit scared. The fear is manifesting itself in strange & not so strange ways. At first, when people would say "wow, that's so brave," and "that's such a huge change, I wouldn't have the balls to do it," I wasn't connecting to that because I've dreamt of this for so long, it's just always felt like the right thing. But now I'm starting to question myself...the fear is speaking louder than the dream at times & I don't like it. However, I understand fear is natural, so I'm choosing to dance with it...all the way to Austin.

Because I will not let the fear win or derail me or knock me back...again. I will keep moving forward, trusting that it's the right thing, at the right time, for the right reasons.

So here's how it's gonna shake down. I'm moving back to Austin for many reasons, but the two main reasons are:

1) I get to live out near Lake Austin in my own house on my father's property for less than I pay now, which means I can...

2) do my dog work full-time, training service dogs for veterans dealing with PTSD, traumatic brain injury (TBI), and/or military sexual assault (MSA) via the Train A Dog Save A Warrior Program, as well rustle up some of my own private clients if I feel like it.

I'm honored to be able to do work I feel passionate about! I'm also grateful that this means that I don't have to work at a desk job anymore (halleluiah); I will have a more versatile & flexible daily schedule; I can nurture my creativity (artwork, writing, dogs) and my other interests (gardening, hooping, yoga, cooking); and last but no doubt most importantly, heal my broken spirit & tired body. And along the way, I hope to chronicle it all here.

So here's to new beginnings...filled with hope, and wonder, and yes even some fear!
xoxo!

no tricks no treats

So much for being "chatty" as my newer blog name alludes to.

Leave it to a benign holiday like Halloween to spark a blog post in me after...how many months now?!? But the truth is, I'm sitting home tonight with my gate locked & my porch lights off avoiding any trick-or-treaters that might happen by. Mind you, I've been avoiding them for I-don't-know-how-long...over 10 years atleast...and definitely ever since I moved into this house nearly 5 years ago. So I don't know why tonight feels different, but it does.

Tonight I feel like an ass for hiding out. I feel like a grumpy old lady. I feel like the crazy lady on the street that the kids are scared to ride their bikes by & the parents whisper catty things about. I'm sure none of that is true (actually I'm not sure about the catty comments part), but tonight I feel that way.

It seems we've had more kiddos out & about than usual, and I sort of want to see how they dressed up, but I didn't buy candy & I have nothing on hand to offer in a pinch. But that's not the crux of it. It's when I overheard one family welcoming my new next door neighbor couple into "the hood"...obviously they were sitting out with candy awaiting costumed visitors. Their conversation was punctuated with the family saying "yeah, feel free to stop by any time." Now this is the same family who lived right across the street from me when I first moved into the neighborhood. The same family who lived right across the street from me until only about a year ago when they moved a mere three houses down on my side of the street. The same family who has never once said HI to me or stopped to have a conversation when I've been out. The same family who's little girl used to like to come over and pet my dog when she & her nanny were out for a walk while I was home at lunch. The same family where the father has never once made eye contact or even gestured a wave to me...the wife, well she's a bit more friendly when she accidentally runs across my path.

So overhearing that conversation with my new neighbors just sorta made me feel like shit. I know I haven't gone out of my way to befriend all the folks who live on my street, but I do wave & engage in conversation with them when I see them. And recently I've made it a point to introduce myself to the new people who move in (like even baking cookies for my new next door neighbor couple), but I guess I haven't done a very good job of being a good neighbor to those who were living here when I got here. I don't know. All I know is I feel like a weird hermit sitting in a dark house with her gate closed, hoping the cutely clad kiddos hurry up and get their trick-or-treating over with, so I can let my dogs out in the front yard and sit on the porch for a night cap before going to bed without having to talk to any passers-by.

But really, when you get down to it, that's the kind of creepy mentality Halloween is made for, so perhaps when I get right down to it, I'm in the true spirit of Halloween. Or maybe I'm just an ass, I don't know.

xoxo!

sustainable, local, seasonal

today's farmers' market haul

So I'm embarking on a wee project for myself. I am continually frustrated that I don't choose healthier options for eating when I KNOW it would do me (and my CFS) a world of good. Soooooo, I am going to attempt to implement something I feel very strongly & passionately about, but have been too, well lazy, to actually put into practice. And that is eating locally, seasonally, and sustainably/humanely.

Today I went to my local farmer's market...one I've been too many times before...with $60 in cash to see if I could buy 1-week's worth of real-live-local-seasonal-organic-sustainable food & actually live off it for the entire week. I have no idea if I can, and I've no illusions that I won't have other foods of some sort throughout the week, but I wanted to challenge myself just to see. Mind you, I can easily spend about $100 at the regular grocery, buying food that I won't end up eating or that will sit in my freezer for months forgotten. That also accounts for buying non-food items as well, of course.

Today at the farmers' market, I spent about $57 & I got (from back to front, left to right in the photo above): 2 fennel bulbs, mint, 1 dozen chicken eggs, 1 lb ground pork, 1 bunch celery, 1 boneless chicken breast, 2 pints strawberries, 1 whole chicken (she's tiny), 1 lb uncured bacon, 1 bunch kale, 1 bunch beets, 2 grapefruits, yellow beans, and 2 chicken leg quarters.

The chicken & eggs are from Oaks of Marme Farm just 50 miles NW of Houston in Hempstead & the pork is from Harrison Farms in nearby Beasley, and I tried to vary my veggie vendors, getting a couple of items from different ones, but I only bought items which were marked as "organic" or "sustainable"...not "conventional".

Keep in mind, I am a single gal, living with 2 small dogs. I'm not feeding a big family, any men or picky kids (unless I count myself as a picky kid--sometimes I feel like it). I do, however, home make my dogs' food (they will get that whole chicken). And my thought isn't necessarily about the quality of chicken I give my dogs since they'll eat rotten bugs decaying in the yard, although quality is a nice byproduct. The reason I'm going to give my dogs that whole beautiful bird is because I simply don't want to support commercial argi-business anymore...not even to feed my dogs. I no longer want to give even one red cent to support an industry that abuses animals in needless, horrific, and disgusting ways, and who in turn, does the same to the land & environment...thereby doing the same to us, the consumers.

Now, I'm not the biggest chicken fan in the world, but guess what, I didn't see any beef in the market today, so either it's not the season for beef or that farmer slept in or I wasn't looking carefully enough. But the thing about buying local & seasonal, is you buy what's available because what's available is the right thing to eat for that time of year. So chicken, eggs & pork it was for me for my protein choices...there was some goat & lamb, but I passed on those. I meant to buy some beef snack sticks I saw, but I forgot to go back & get them when I was getting my cold stuff...& I'm kicking myself!


I've seen many documentaries...the standards: Food Inc, Food Matters, Hungry for Change, and several more I can't recall at the moment...and they all spoke to me & inspired me. But I watched another one recently that really propelled me...not sure if it was the quality/presentation of the information in the documentary itself or that I watched it at a good point for personal change. It's called Fresh & I admired the stories of the farmers who are doing it right...the ones who are bucking the system to make a change for themselves & the rest of us too. I felt empathy for the other farmers, the ones who are stuck in the system, strangled by the agri-business choke-hold in order to keep their farms & their families going despite knowing it's a losing trap. I decided I wanted to finally be part of the solution, not the problem. I think Whole Foods & grass-fed/pasture raised items in supermarkets are a start, but for me, it's no longer good enough. I feel you've got to get off my ass, stop being lazy & get local!

xoxo!

struggling

As usual, my notes from post to post varying so wildly. One post will be positive, hopeful, upbeat, the next post is usually the opposite (and months later than the previous).

I started working with a nutritional balancing practioner to address my underlying adrenal burnout a couple of months ago. I was hopeful at the prospect, as I'd read alot about it & found someone online who'd been through it & has been coming out the other end in a more healthful & positive light. But this protocol isn't about just getting better, as I'm finding, it's about deep, dark healing, which often times pushes you back before it propels you forward.

As such, I'm experiencing a bit of a relapse of sorts. Fatigue is finding me much easier, whereas just a couple of months ago, I was feeling a surge of renewed energy. It's a bit disheartening, yet I'm trying to keep in mind that it's actually part of the healing, so that I can keep hope alive as I muddle through. It's hard to do, when there's so much I want to do, but the easiest course is to settle into it and go with its flow rather than fight the current & resist.

I read the following on Sarah Wilson's blog today, which she borrowed from a UK thyroid support forum. I wish I would have written it myself, because I could have. It's so true & I wish everyone in my life could read & understand it...to better understand me. One of the most frustrating parts of this is that I don't look "sick," so I'm sure people have a hard time understanding exactly what it is I'm talking (aka whining) about.

Hi….My Name is Hashimoto’s, and I’m an Invisible Chronic Illness.
I am now velcroed to you for life. Others around you can’t see me or hear me, But YOUR body feels me. I can attack you anywhere and anyhow I please. I can cause severe pain or, if I’m in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over.

Remember when you and Energy ran around together and had fun? I took Energy from you, and gave you Exhaustion. Try to have fun now! I also took Good Sleep from you and, in its place, gave you Brain Fog. I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal. Oh, yeah, I can make you feel anxious or depressed, too. If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away, too. You didn’t ask for me. I chose you for various reasons: That virus you had that you never recovered from, or that car accident, or maybe it was the years of abuse and trauma. Well, anyway, I’m here to stay!

I hear you’re going to see a doctor who can get rid of me. I’m rolling on the floor, laughing. Just try. You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively. You will be put on pain pills, sleeping pills, energy pills, told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, given a TENs unit, get massaged, told if you just sleep and exercise properly I will go away, told to think positively, poked, prodded, and MOST OF ALL, not taken as seriously as you feel when you cry to the doctor how debilitating life is every day.

Your family, friends and co-workers will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and that I’m a debilitating disease. Some of them will say things like “Oh, you are just having a bad day” or “Well, remember, you can’t do the things you use to do 20 YEARS ago”, not hearing that you said 20 DAYS ago. Some will just start talking behind your back, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity trying to make them understand, especially when you are in the middle of a conversation with a “Normal” person, and can’t remember what you were going to say next!

In closing, (I was hoping that I kept this part a secret), but I guess you already found out…the ONLY place you will get any support and understanding in dealing with me is with Other People With Hashimoto’s.

So there you go...that's where I am today.

xoxo!

renewal...this year's intention

So I realize it's the beginning of the 3rd month of the year & I've yet to write about my word for 2012. This is a word of intention...the intention I want to set forth for the year ahead. Prior to the year starting, I reflect on this & choose a word/intention. This year it chose me...RENEWAL. Not only do I want it, and actually I just plain ol' need it, but more importantly I can feel it coming.

Renewal in all respects, but namely health, of course because without that, nothing else will follow. But also renewal of my working life. Time to move on from the desk job & into my passion job. And in both respects, the word is already working it's magic in my year. I have decided to focus on this intention word this year rather than creating a magical list of goals, like I've done in years past.

I have begun a new protocol for healing called Nutritional Balancing which involves hair tissue mineral analysis with a diet & supplement protocol to right the deep imbalances in my system causing my adrenal burnout/chronic fatigue/hormonal imbalances. I'm too new into the protocol to know the effects it will have on me, but in following others who have gone down this route, I'm hopeful it will not only help, but heal.

I have also been doing a bit of artwork again as well. I'm working on a piece a friend commissioned as a memorial piece commemorating her father as a gift to give to her mother. It's always a challenge to do memorial pieces & ironically the last 3 I've worked on have been, but also a challenge because my lack of energy greatly affects my creativity. But I have a deadline, so I'm making it happen & am happy I have that motivation to keep it going.

Plus, I have officially launched my dog training business. Now it's a very soft launch at this point...telling friends to tell friends kind of thing...but it's officially out in the world none the less! I already have 1 client, and I will let it ramp up on its own, hoping that my feeling better will coincide with it building. I don't want to rush it 1) because there is still alot I need to learn, and 2) I don't want to overwhelm myself since stress quickly sets me back physically.

So here I am...renewing my ass off! Ok, so maybe not quite that dramatic & believe me, I still have a long way to go (fatigue & a lack of gumption still plague me daily in spite of things going well around me), but it has been fun to see things unfold with just a bit of movement on my part. I'm learning that instead of forcing things, I just need to show up & the rest will come.

xoxo!

healing thoughts & gratitude

I know the word gratitude gets thrown around alot & it's something I've wanted to cultivate more for myself, but it's always felt somewhat forced for a naturally cynical person like me. Throughout my healing journey, I've read alot about body/mind connection & thoughts manifesting physically within the body...and I believe in it. I see it working in the negative in my life, so I'm finally...finally...willing to put it to work in the positive.

I'm going to attempt a daily journal again...it's been ages...to help get whatever thoughts out of my head, but also to begin transferring the negative, fearful thoughts into positive, healing, grateful thoughts.

I was introduced to Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life" long before I was officially "sick." And to be honest, I've struggled to grasp the concept of affirmations. It really does feel awkward (OK, downright silly even) at first, but if you sort of fake it, eventually it starts to feel authentic. The one thing I immediately identified with when I pulled the book out again early in my dealings with CFS, was The List. The list contains physical ailments, accompanied by the thought pattern creating it & the new thought pattern to reverse it. Here are my big ones:

Fatigue: resistance, boredom, lack of love for what one does (ummm hello, to-the-letter)

Adrenal Problems: defeatism, no longer caring for the self, anxiety (defeatism is often my middle name)

Bowel: fear of letting go of the old & no longer needed (I totally hold onto thing well passed their prime).

So along with my daily journaling, I'm going to focus on the "new thought pattern" for each to release the previous thoughts behind my specific health issues. We'll see how that works. I know that even after just one morning of finding some honest to goodness gratitude, the journaling likely helped me get through today by making some better choices for myself (like taking a 10 minute walk outside mid-afternoon instead of grabbing candy and/or a hot chocolate when I was feeling run down). And because it was so successful, I'm going to begin incorporating it into my daily schedule! Baby steps.

xoxo!

seeking serenity

I sure have been quiet around here. I moved my blog to a new URL to try to limit my stalker's access (part of why I've been so absent is not wanting him to see what I'm up to). I've had alot I've wanted to say...comment on my Goals List from 2011, announce my intention word for 2012, chronicle some of the ups & downs from the end of the year...and these things will come, just not today.

Since my last post in (gasp) September 2011, when I made a premature cry of hope, I have been on the slippery slope of feeling OK then downright bad again. I was doing pretty good between Thanksgiving & Christmas. I managed to get off sugar again for about 3 weeks prior to Christmas & was starting to feel human again. I took an online photo class which was fun & got me out of the house more than usual. I borrowed a friends bicycle which also got me out of the house & put a smile on my face & some joy in my heart (despite taking up a ridiculously large amount of space in my living room).

BUT as Christmas has a tendency to do (especially when you give in & agree to do celebrating with family), I got sucked into the lure of Christmas cuisine. Followed by the high/low of a New Year beginning. And quite frankly, I feel like I'm still suffering from all of that almost a month later. I am especially struggling with getting back on the wagon with my food.

This is nothing new with me...I've struggled with food issues even outside of this recent health crisis. It used to be I struggled with food from a weight perspective, but now, with this illness, I struggle with it from a health perspective. You'd think feeling like crap day in/day out would motivate one to avoid foods that hurt them & stay clean with good foods that heal them. But food issues run deeper than rational thinking, they run deeper than feeling poorly everyday, they are basically at the core of who I am...or more specifically who I let myself believe I am. They are deep, they are real, and they will trump everything else if I'm not in a stable place emotionally to wrangle them.

I have a history with food, recovery from food, avoidance of foods, succumbing to food, dictating food & being dictated by food. One of the most balanced times in my life was when I was in Overeaters Anonymous (OA) beginning in late 1998...and more specifically, following the Grey Sheet plan of recovery to the letter for 3 solid years. It was hard, but I had a sponsor, I had a support network, and most importantly, I had a willingness to do it one-day-at-a-time. Little did I know at the time that the Grey Sheet plan was EXACTLY the food plan that I would later come to understand was the best way for me to eat: no sugar, no flour/grains, no alcohol, no high carb fruits/veggies, with weighed/measured meals to prevent over-consumption. I struggled to find a new support system within OA when I moved from Austin to Houston in 2002...I attended meetings for awhile, but didn't find the level of recovery from the members like those I'd relied on in Austin. So slowly, I fell away, and slowly the recovery did too.

I will write at another time about my specific experience with OA. For now, as I struggle to maintain a healthy way of eating now for my healing, I keep going back to those times & those lessons, hoping to reclaim some of my willingness from those days of balance & vitality, remember the mantra: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the willingness to know the difference.

xoxo!

the fog is lifting

taken on day 84 of my 365 self portrait challenge

Whew, I finally feel myself coming back [knock on wood]. I was losing hope there for awhile, and with that hope pieces of myself....my spark, creativity, joy, expectations.

But it's bubbling again. The creativity, the desire, the gumption to pursue good things. I almost hesitate to hope even still, fearing it will be like other times when I see a glimmer only to fade back into a dark fog. But for now atleast, I see glints of light again & they shine down into a hope I steadily carry through this CFS maze of unwellness & frustration.

The biggest change I feel is my creative flow coming back...the desire to write again, to make art, to take photographs, and express myself in any way I can. And in trying to decide where to put my energy again, it makes me realize I'm a "slasher"... you know, actor-slash-director or singer-slash-waitress-slash-dancer-slash-teacher. I've spent alot of my 40 years trying to figure out what to be, when the truth of the matter is, from a very young age, I've been a slasher...a dabbler in many things. I don't know if it's because I get bored easily or if I just have so many thoughts & ideas that one avenue isn't enough or if I don't give myself enough credit to go professional with anything [this last one is probably a huge cavernous thing to explore on its own].

Even though there is a certain serenity that comes from accepting myself as a slasher, one thing that is frustrating about it is never fully knowing where to put your energies. I always feel so pulled by different interests. Like a butterfly flitting from one pretty flower to another oh and look at that pretty purple bloom over there. All the flitting makes it hard to really hone any one craft...to get really good at something. Jack of all trades, master of none if you will. But the fact that I still want to do them all after feeling like doing nothing for so many years now, is inspiring enough for me today. And who says I have to be good at any of them, as long as I enjoy the pursuit of each?

Today I'm okay being a slasher...a part-time artist/wanna be writer/taker of random pictures/dog trainer in training/garden dreamer/linguist/teacher/appreciator of all of the above. To be continued...I sure do hope!

xoxo!

Well of course I said I was back, but it's taken me several more months to actually come back here. I'd like to utilize this forum more, but I get distracted & caught up in the fact that there's really no rhyme or reason to this space. But whatever, right? Rhyme schmyme. Reason schmeason.

So instead of focusing on what I haven't been doing, here are a couple of things I have been doing.

Turning 40!

I was so ready to be done with the 30's...not the greatest decade.

I have high hopes for this next one.

And completing my trainer certification!

Apparently I'm official now although I feel I still need some additional hands-on work to really get out there & start making it happen.

And going to Germany!!

My mom & I went back to where it all began & had a great time.

I was born in Aschaffenburg Germany 40 years ago!

Otherwise, I'm actually still trying to get back into the swing of things since the trip (which was back in late June...it takes me awhile, what can I say?) Prior to & during the early parts of Germany, I was feeling pretty good. I was getting to the Park a couple of times a week to exercise (and then not crashing after) & maintaining a fairly brisk pace throughout the trip. But food was nutty on the trip (can you say Nutella & bread everyday for breakfast?) & my energy really started to lag midway through....and honestly, it's continued lagging ever since returning home...i.e. back to the dreaded workworld.

My attitude about this has been less than stellar, I have to admit, yet I'm seeing some light at the end of this dark tunnel. Perhaps a return to Austin is in my more-immediate future than once previously thought...stay tuned for more on that. A bit more waiting is in order, but my intentions have been set & the wheels are in motion. Patience isn't my strongest suit, but I'm mustering as much as I can while I wait it out. It also helps that, in my mind, I'm already planning my going away party! :)

xoxo!

pssst....coming back

a view along the Main River, Aschaffenburg Germany

For those who have visited & inquired about my whereabouts--thank you. I don't know who most of you Anonymous(es) are, but thank you for checking in.

I'm just back from a trip to Germany which has re-invigorated me & inspired me to get back to blogging...even in spite of the potential that "the stalker" may see/follow along. I will be posting pics & thoughts from my trip very soon (with over 1300 pictures to download/upload/detail, it's proving quite the undertaking to get them online in some descriptive way)...as well as thoughts on my upcoming 40th birthday & what I've been up to (or not up to as is probably more accurate) since I last posted in February. Stay tuned--if you dare!

xoxo!

mom is where the heart is

mom is where the heart is

A new piece, made for a friend's 40th birthday in remembrance of her mother, using old silverware she passed down. This is the first piece I've completed since my show in Nov '09...and hopefully will not be the last in 2011.

I've had a hankering for more collage-y type things, so we'll see.

xoxo!

blog closed

blog closed...for now anyway...due to stalker.

giving vs getting

4 : 365 photo for my 365 self-portrait challenge

Today while I was getting an uber unhealthy lunch at Whataburger (seriously why I do I do these things to myself...now I have a cold sore & stopped up sinuses?) there was a teeny tiny old lady in front of me. I'd seen her there before with her osteo hunchback keeping her at barely 4 ft tall & her tiny doll-like hands carrying plastic bags and counting out change to pay for her food.

Today she was asking the cashier how much this would be or what if she just got that. Once decided, $2.01 was her total & she dug in her plastic grocery-style bags for her wallet, and then into that for her money. She paid with a $20 bill + a penny. She obviously had the cash on her to buy any combo of food on the menu; however, I imagined that she is on a tight;limited income & obviously had to make that $20 last if she was buying the least expensive option available.

She took a long time to order & pay, and probably had it been anyone else, I would have been impatient about it, getting quietly angrier the more time that passed. But for a little old lady, struggling to still be out in the world, wanting nothing more than a junior sized hamburger for her Tuesday lunch, I suddenly had all the time in the world.

I too only have a set amount I can spend on lunch each day...i.e. $0.00, but some days I ignore this (as well as my dietary restrictions). Not only did I pay for my $5.00 meal, but I decided to buy a gift card and put money on it as well. I debated it in my head as I stood at the cash register ordering. I mean, it wasn't alot in the grand scheme of things, but it was definitely alot more than I was planning to spend on lunch for myself. "Just do it, it's nothing...what will matter more in 5 years, spending this money or doing something kind?" I thought. So I did.

I presented the lady with the card after I got my food. I told her I'd seen her in there before & I wanted to give her alittle gift so that the next few times she comes in, she can get whatever she wants. I worried that I'd offend her. I worried that she wouldn't understand. I worried that the amount wasn't enough. But she was so delighted. Her face lit up and she took the card in her hand and looked at it like it had sparkley ribbons & bows on it, then looked at me, smiling and said "thank you so much." She gave me a big hug, bigger than I would have imagined from this tiny little lady, and I felt tears start to well up in my eyes as we embraced. I wished her a happy new year and tried to exit as quickly as I could before I really started crying in the middle of a crowded dining room.

I don't know why I got so emotional in the moment...crying emotional versus just smiling emotional. I wondered as I walked off who needed what more--her the money or me the hug.

xoxo!

2011...bring it on!

!!!HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

photo via BBC tv by the fabulous D.Wills, London, UK

I'm soooo ready for 2011. In addition to my word/intention for next year, I shall forge ahead with my list of t0-do's. I have to say, I'm pretty excited about this grouping!

1) 365 self-portrait challenge

2) read 1 book per month--or atleast with some regularity

3) monthly photo assignment

4) go to Germany to revisit my birthplace for my birthday

5) improve photography skills/knowledge

6) let go of unfulfilling relationships + nurture/create fulfilling ones

7) submit 3 short stories for publication

8) finish 2010 NaNoWriMo novel draft

9) stretch

10) get a sewing machine

11) make more mosaics

12) return to buying myself flowers

13) drink more whiskey

14) wear more hats

15) get a Pentax K1000

16) turn 40! gotta throw in an easy one

17) launch dog training business

18) open an Etsy shop

19) take 1 self-trip (out of state [CA] or country [UK])

20) let the glass be half full for a change

Maybe it's the veil of hope that a new year brings, but pretty much every single one of those is feeling TOTALLY doable to me right now. Mostly I'm just looking forward to seeing what transpires...I'm along for the ride this year! Hope your ride has nice scenery this year.

xoxo!

prosperity*

Last year, with Unravelling, I set a word for the year...an intention with which to live. For 2010 it was "visibility"...both to be seen & to see clearly. I think I accomplished this in some ways, if not exactly in the ways I anticipated.

I de-lurked on most of the blogs I rely on daily to get me through the 9-5 grind by commenting regularly. I Facebook "friended" many online folks (mostly from aforementioned Unravelling) and got to know them better & let them alittle closer into my world. I added more contacts on Flickr & joined in on a few online groups/classes. Plus I tried to be more real & consistent on this blog, even though I question often why I have this silly thing. As for the seeing clearly part...well there was definitely some of that, although nothing that was knock-you-over-the-head EUREKA! kinda stuff, but good nuggets that helped me climb up a bit. I hope to continue letting visibility guide me into another year as well.

But with a new year comes a new view...a new mission, if you will. This year my intention, my word, is PROSPERITY...yes, in big capital letters please!

*Prosperity: a successful, thriving or flourishing condition. (ahhhh, it just makes me feel full when I read that)

I think often times we associate prosperity with financial success. And that is definitely part of my intention (throw me a bone here too Universe). I am choosing this word for more encompassing reasons. I also want to draw prosperity into my life for health, heart & my pending pursuits. I want to put my chronic fatigue behind me. I want to heal my heart-wounds & approach life more wholeheartedly. I want to dive head first into starting my dog training business & kick up some dust with my art & writing, so I can escape the cube once & for all. I want to set fear aside, so I can thrive, succeed & flourish for a change.

I'm staring down the barrel at 40 this July. The thing is, I'm not freaking out or ashamed or dreading it at all because I can feel that thing I've heard so many before me say...that this stage in life brings you to who you're meant to be. I've felt it brewing already and I can feel in my bones every step I take these days...the growing pains have already started, but they're good, like soreness after a really good workout. I have been living at 75% for too many years now & it's definitely time to prosper!

xoxo!

let's get this party started

OK, enough holiday blues...enough CFS pity party...enough talking & more doing. I've been off sugar for a few days now which no doubt is helping me feel inspired & ready to bust a move.

Tis the eve of the eve of the New Year...2011 baby, she's a-comin'! I'm working on my goals list, my intention word...dreaming big yet in realistic ways since it's been brought to my attention recently that I tend towards too high of expectations. I mean there's nothing wrong with reaching for the stars. But sometimes I think for me, I reach for too many, too high, too often so as to set myself up for impossible expectations & probable disappointments.

That being said, my yearly goals list has always been more about putting it down than cracking the whip to make sure they all get done. In fact, of all the things I can beat myself up about, going through my previous year's list & noting which were done & not done doesn't cause me the least bit of strife or self-criticism. Not sure why, but I guess I'm one of those gals who feels that you've got to name it to claim it...put it out there to get it back.

For instance, there were several things on my 2010 to-do list that even as of Nov 1, I didn't think I'd make happen, but within the remaining weeks of the year I sure as shit did. Take #6 "start novel in earnest" and #12 "add to Fiestaware"--two totally different levels of to-dos. I had kinda written those off, but the opportunity belatedly presented itself to me on both counts, so I said "let's cross those bitches off."

And with that, I'm ready to cross some new things off in the new year. I'm still working on the what's...but I'll be back to post them & other random ramblings in the next couple of days.

xoxo!

an ode to CFS

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS)...it doesn't sound very serious and it's not life-threatening (unless you consider that some resort to suicide vs living any longer in the state CFS brings). It's not the same for everyone, and it can't be tested for. It's a condition diagnosed after everything else is ruled out. Most people don't understand it or they mock it or they flippantly say things like "tell me about it, I'm tired too." Hell, I don't fully understand it even though I've been living with it for 3 years now. I have fought the fact that I even have it (figuring it's GOT to be something else), until I started reading others' stories about it & realized I was indeed in THAT boat.

You look fine--there's no obvious signs of disease or distress or markings or red flags. It is a thief, dressed in black, moving stealthly, unnoticed by the outside world. Not only does it steal your physical energy, it steals your mind's energy, your motivation, your joy, your zest, your comfort, your rest. It's often misdiagnosed as depression for this reason, but any depression is a side-effect, not a cause. Some people can't get out of bed. I get out of bed most days around 4am, I go to work, I come home to the couch, I lie in the tub, I get back into bed around 8pm because I can't stand to be up any longer. And in between these auto-pilot movements & foggy thinking, I dream of so many things that I want to do, but with my gumption & motivation & zeal stolen, nothing but the basics get done.

There are days of energy, days of doing. But I've learned they are mirages; they don't last...sometimes not even for a whole day. I grab hold of these when I can, do things that have been wanting to get done, and sometimes let myself feel hopeful that I'm fixed. But invariably the hour comes...I don't know when it'll be. Sometimes it's 8am, sometimes not til 10am or just after noon, but it comes. The light disappears, the motivation vanishes, and I'm back on the couch maxed out, a fog of non-doing now filling up my head. This is the cycle CFS takes in my life--in my heart I want to go & do & be out & be seen & get heard & be happy, but my body/energy/head can't be bothered with such things. It just wants to be still, be quiet & hide. I don't sleep, mind you, it's not that kind of tired for me. I lie around, concious but unable. Like I'm trapped in a bubble filled with a haze--I can sorta see out, but I cannot get out.

I am hopeful I can break the cycle. I am hopeful I can bust through the fog & reclaim who I used to be. But it's hard when you slide back & forth; daring to hope is a vulnerable place to be, especially when disappointment is never too far behind. But I keep trying--new doctors & alternative practitioners, new treatments, new food plans, tactics, mindsets, books, therapies, theories, support & attempts. It's all I can do, here alone in this fog-filled bubble, on my couch of hope.

xoxo!

blue christmas

OK, I think it's offical...I'm having a blue Christmas. I'm sure it's mostly because I was hormonal the week leading to Christmas, of all weeks. Might also be because I've been nursing a bum foot (it's not serious, but it does hurt & makes walking annoying). Or could be because I opted not to pull out the small smattering of decorations I have to put up a tree.

Basically it's just that time of the year...seeing everyone else be cheery & bright & together & merry really does make this the loneliest time of year...for someone like me who doesn't do the whole family gathering or have the funds to buy everyone gifts or (and this is probably the biggest part) have a partner to spend it with. I tried to start a tradition a few years ago of being away from home on a personal vacation during Christmas, but as finances have dried up, that wasn't in the budget again this year.

Whatever the cause this year, it's definitely catching up with me as Christmas has come & gone and now we eek toward the the end of the year. I didn't make as much use out my 4 days off, home alone, this past weekend as I'd intended. I did alittle art, but mostly ALOT of TV watching. (seriously why is it easier to clear out the DVR rather than the stack of books left unread? I mean, both can be done from the couch!?) Alot of that has to do with being in a downslide with the CFS...still experiencing 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

I'm blaming it on the poor food choices I've been making (since Thanksgiving really--mostly to numb I'm sure as the weight of the season snuck up on me). I'm not sure when I'll learn that eating for comfort is the most uncomfortable choice with my CFS...it just causes the fatigue & the mental exhaustion & the irritability & the body aches & the hopelessness to flare up each & every time. But thankfully THAT is something I can change & so I shall (and will keep doing until it sticks). I would like to be kind to myself in this final week of 2010, so that I can start another year in a better place & make better things happen.

xoxo!

making messes

This is the cluttered area I call my art studio. I've been in it alot more lately. I promise, somewhere in there, art is being made! :) It feels good. Will post pics as I complete things.

xoxo!