seeking serenity

I sure have been quiet around here. I moved my blog to a new URL to try to limit my stalker's access (part of why I've been so absent is not wanting him to see what I'm up to). I've had alot I've wanted to say...comment on my Goals List from 2011, announce my intention word for 2012, chronicle some of the ups & downs from the end of the year...and these things will come, just not today.

Since my last post in (gasp) September 2011, when I made a premature cry of hope, I have been on the slippery slope of feeling OK then downright bad again. I was doing pretty good between Thanksgiving & Christmas. I managed to get off sugar again for about 3 weeks prior to Christmas & was starting to feel human again. I took an online photo class which was fun & got me out of the house more than usual. I borrowed a friends bicycle which also got me out of the house & put a smile on my face & some joy in my heart (despite taking up a ridiculously large amount of space in my living room).

BUT as Christmas has a tendency to do (especially when you give in & agree to do celebrating with family), I got sucked into the lure of Christmas cuisine. Followed by the high/low of a New Year beginning. And quite frankly, I feel like I'm still suffering from all of that almost a month later. I am especially struggling with getting back on the wagon with my food.

This is nothing new with me...I've struggled with food issues even outside of this recent health crisis. It used to be I struggled with food from a weight perspective, but now, with this illness, I struggle with it from a health perspective. You'd think feeling like crap day in/day out would motivate one to avoid foods that hurt them & stay clean with good foods that heal them. But food issues run deeper than rational thinking, they run deeper than feeling poorly everyday, they are basically at the core of who I am...or more specifically who I let myself believe I am. They are deep, they are real, and they will trump everything else if I'm not in a stable place emotionally to wrangle them.

I have a history with food, recovery from food, avoidance of foods, succumbing to food, dictating food & being dictated by food. One of the most balanced times in my life was when I was in Overeaters Anonymous (OA) beginning in late 1998...and more specifically, following the Grey Sheet plan of recovery to the letter for 3 solid years. It was hard, but I had a sponsor, I had a support network, and most importantly, I had a willingness to do it one-day-at-a-time. Little did I know at the time that the Grey Sheet plan was EXACTLY the food plan that I would later come to understand was the best way for me to eat: no sugar, no flour/grains, no alcohol, no high carb fruits/veggies, with weighed/measured meals to prevent over-consumption. I struggled to find a new support system within OA when I moved from Austin to Houston in 2002...I attended meetings for awhile, but didn't find the level of recovery from the members like those I'd relied on in Austin. So slowly, I fell away, and slowly the recovery did too.

I will write at another time about my specific experience with OA. For now, as I struggle to maintain a healthy way of eating now for my healing, I keep going back to those times & those lessons, hoping to reclaim some of my willingness from those days of balance & vitality, remember the mantra: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the willingness to know the difference.

xoxo!

the fog is lifting

taken on day 84 of my 365 self portrait challenge

Whew, I finally feel myself coming back [knock on wood]. I was losing hope there for awhile, and with that hope pieces of myself....my spark, creativity, joy, expectations.

But it's bubbling again. The creativity, the desire, the gumption to pursue good things. I almost hesitate to hope even still, fearing it will be like other times when I see a glimmer only to fade back into a dark fog. But for now atleast, I see glints of light again & they shine down into a hope I steadily carry through this CFS maze of unwellness & frustration.

The biggest change I feel is my creative flow coming back...the desire to write again, to make art, to take photographs, and express myself in any way I can. And in trying to decide where to put my energy again, it makes me realize I'm a "slasher"... you know, actor-slash-director or singer-slash-waitress-slash-dancer-slash-teacher. I've spent alot of my 40 years trying to figure out what to be, when the truth of the matter is, from a very young age, I've been a slasher...a dabbler in many things. I don't know if it's because I get bored easily or if I just have so many thoughts & ideas that one avenue isn't enough or if I don't give myself enough credit to go professional with anything [this last one is probably a huge cavernous thing to explore on its own].

Even though there is a certain serenity that comes from accepting myself as a slasher, one thing that is frustrating about it is never fully knowing where to put your energies. I always feel so pulled by different interests. Like a butterfly flitting from one pretty flower to another oh and look at that pretty purple bloom over there. All the flitting makes it hard to really hone any one craft...to get really good at something. Jack of all trades, master of none if you will. But the fact that I still want to do them all after feeling like doing nothing for so many years now, is inspiring enough for me today. And who says I have to be good at any of them, as long as I enjoy the pursuit of each?

Today I'm okay being a slasher...a part-time artist/wanna be writer/taker of random pictures/dog trainer in training/garden dreamer/linguist/teacher/appreciator of all of the above. To be continued...I sure do hope!

xoxo!

Well of course I said I was back, but it's taken me several more months to actually come back here. I'd like to utilize this forum more, but I get distracted & caught up in the fact that there's really no rhyme or reason to this space. But whatever, right? Rhyme schmyme. Reason schmeason.

So instead of focusing on what I haven't been doing, here are a couple of things I have been doing.

Turning 40!

I was so ready to be done with the 30's...not the greatest decade.

I have high hopes for this next one.

And completing my trainer certification!

Apparently I'm official now although I feel I still need some additional hands-on work to really get out there & start making it happen.

And going to Germany!!

My mom & I went back to where it all began & had a great time.

I was born in Aschaffenburg Germany 40 years ago!

Otherwise, I'm actually still trying to get back into the swing of things since the trip (which was back in late June...it takes me awhile, what can I say?) Prior to & during the early parts of Germany, I was feeling pretty good. I was getting to the Park a couple of times a week to exercise (and then not crashing after) & maintaining a fairly brisk pace throughout the trip. But food was nutty on the trip (can you say Nutella & bread everyday for breakfast?) & my energy really started to lag midway through....and honestly, it's continued lagging ever since returning home...i.e. back to the dreaded workworld.

My attitude about this has been less than stellar, I have to admit, yet I'm seeing some light at the end of this dark tunnel. Perhaps a return to Austin is in my more-immediate future than once previously thought...stay tuned for more on that. A bit more waiting is in order, but my intentions have been set & the wheels are in motion. Patience isn't my strongest suit, but I'm mustering as much as I can while I wait it out. It also helps that, in my mind, I'm already planning my going away party! :)

xoxo!

pssst....coming back

a view along the Main River, Aschaffenburg Germany

For those who have visited & inquired about my whereabouts--thank you. I don't know who most of you Anonymous(es) are, but thank you for checking in.

I'm just back from a trip to Germany which has re-invigorated me & inspired me to get back to blogging...even in spite of the potential that "the stalker" may see/follow along. I will be posting pics & thoughts from my trip very soon (with over 1300 pictures to download/upload/detail, it's proving quite the undertaking to get them online in some descriptive way)...as well as thoughts on my upcoming 40th birthday & what I've been up to (or not up to as is probably more accurate) since I last posted in February. Stay tuned--if you dare!

xoxo!

mom is where the heart is

mom is where the heart is

A new piece, made for a friend's 40th birthday in remembrance of her mother, using old silverware she passed down. This is the first piece I've completed since my show in Nov '09...and hopefully will not be the last in 2011.

I've had a hankering for more collage-y type things, so we'll see.

xoxo!

blog closed

blog closed...for now anyway...due to stalker.

giving vs getting

4 : 365 photo for my 365 self-portrait challenge

Today while I was getting an uber unhealthy lunch at Whataburger (seriously why I do I do these things to myself...now I have a cold sore & stopped up sinuses?) there was a teeny tiny old lady in front of me. I'd seen her there before with her osteo hunchback keeping her at barely 4 ft tall & her tiny doll-like hands carrying plastic bags and counting out change to pay for her food.

Today she was asking the cashier how much this would be or what if she just got that. Once decided, $2.01 was her total & she dug in her plastic grocery-style bags for her wallet, and then into that for her money. She paid with a $20 bill + a penny. She obviously had the cash on her to buy any combo of food on the menu; however, I imagined that she is on a tight;limited income & obviously had to make that $20 last if she was buying the least expensive option available.

She took a long time to order & pay, and probably had it been anyone else, I would have been impatient about it, getting quietly angrier the more time that passed. But for a little old lady, struggling to still be out in the world, wanting nothing more than a junior sized hamburger for her Tuesday lunch, I suddenly had all the time in the world.

I too only have a set amount I can spend on lunch each day...i.e. $0.00, but some days I ignore this (as well as my dietary restrictions). Not only did I pay for my $5.00 meal, but I decided to buy a gift card and put money on it as well. I debated it in my head as I stood at the cash register ordering. I mean, it wasn't alot in the grand scheme of things, but it was definitely alot more than I was planning to spend on lunch for myself. "Just do it, it's nothing...what will matter more in 5 years, spending this money or doing something kind?" I thought. So I did.

I presented the lady with the card after I got my food. I told her I'd seen her in there before & I wanted to give her alittle gift so that the next few times she comes in, she can get whatever she wants. I worried that I'd offend her. I worried that she wouldn't understand. I worried that the amount wasn't enough. But she was so delighted. Her face lit up and she took the card in her hand and looked at it like it had sparkley ribbons & bows on it, then looked at me, smiling and said "thank you so much." She gave me a big hug, bigger than I would have imagined from this tiny little lady, and I felt tears start to well up in my eyes as we embraced. I wished her a happy new year and tried to exit as quickly as I could before I really started crying in the middle of a crowded dining room.

I don't know why I got so emotional in the moment...crying emotional versus just smiling emotional. I wondered as I walked off who needed what more--her the money or me the hug.

xoxo!