Thursday, September 25, 2008

the funk of loneliness

I've had friends in & out of my house due to the power outages from Ike. They've come over to do life things like laundry & Internet, as well as sleep & just "be" in electricity. Even though I've felt lonely for some time now, having people around has illuminated just how alone I've become. Simply having someone in another room, a presence so nearby, has been quietly comforting & perhaps even reassuring that I will not forever want to be alone as I have been feeling lately.

As a result of not feeling good physically, I've allowed myself to retreat for rest & to research remedies for rejuvenation (and apparently alliteration). I have always been nursing my aching heart...for many many months it's been due to waiting, longing for my love to come home, but now it's due to letting him go as we've decided, in his words, to "go out separate ways."

I don't know how others do it, but when I'm in pain, I want to be left alone. When I hurt my body, I don't want to be touched & when my heart hurts, I don't even want to be seen. I just want to hole up, endure the pain, and wait for the day when I can confidently crawl out and expose myself again. It's not a particularly good method, but it's the one I've adopted throughout these seemingly many recent years of emotional ups & downs. To me, the cruelest part of breaking up is that you're losing the very person you want to turn to for help easing the pain. It makes being down all the lonelier, if you ask me.

Currently, I'm still down...hurting inside, disappointed, unable to fully accept what is vs. what I want. But with the help of presence...not words or wisdom or forced socialness...I'm reassured that I will have the choice again, one day, to not feel terminally alone.