Tuesday, September 13, 2011

the fog is lifting

taken on day 84 of my 365 self portrait challenge

Whew, I finally feel myself coming back [knock on wood]. I was losing hope there for awhile, and with that hope pieces of myself....my spark, creativity, joy, expectations.

But it's bubbling again. The creativity, the desire, the gumption to pursue good things. I almost hesitate to hope even still, fearing it will be like other times when I see a glimmer only to fade back into a dark fog. But for now atleast, I see glints of light again & they shine down into a hope I steadily carry through this CFS maze of unwellness & frustration.

The biggest change I feel is my creative flow coming back...the desire to write again, to make art, to take photographs, and express myself in any way I can. And in trying to decide where to put my energy again, it makes me realize I'm a "slasher"... you know, actor-slash-director or singer-slash-waitress-slash-dancer-slash-teacher. I've spent alot of my 40 years trying to figure out what to be, when the truth of the matter is, from a very young age, I've been a slasher...a dabbler in many things. I don't know if it's because I get bored easily or if I just have so many thoughts & ideas that one avenue isn't enough or if I don't give myself enough credit to go professional with anything [this last one is probably a huge cavernous thing to explore on its own].

Even though there is a certain serenity that comes from accepting myself as a slasher, one thing that is frustrating about it is never fully knowing where to put your energies. I always feel so pulled by different interests. Like a butterfly flitting from one pretty flower to another oh and look at that pretty purple bloom over there. All the flitting makes it hard to really hone any one craft...to get really good at something. Jack of all trades, master of none if you will. But the fact that I still want to do them all after feeling like doing nothing for so many years now, is inspiring enough for me today. And who says I have to be good at any of them, as long as I enjoy the pursuit of each?

Today I'm okay being a slasher...a part-time artist/wanna be writer/taker of random pictures/dog trainer in training/garden dreamer/linguist/teacher/appreciator of all of the above. To be continued...I sure do hope!