Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Also, I have started to have a backslide into low-energy again, which makes doing things or wanting to do things less appealing. I'm not sure what the deal is other than I was taking some additional supplements a couple of months back which ran out several weeks ago & maybe they were the culprits that had me feeling so much better here recently. Also my food choices have been shitty over the last couple of weeks too, so I'm sure that's not helping. I guess just as well on timing for lying low & projecting forward. Just hope I can get back on an upswing so I have the energy to follow through on my projections.
Another thing I've been feeling coming over me is a familiar paralysis as I near a transition in my dog training studies. I have 1 more book section to complete & then I will start on the hands-on portions. First will be my shelter volunteer work & then my mentor work & then my final certification. Creeping up is that old familiar feeling of "uh oh...now comes the real test...will I have what it takes...what if I don't..what if I can't make it work...what if I'm a shitty trainer...what if I can't find clients...what if I FAIL" fear that makes me want to abandon things before I have a chance to fail (or succeed) and instead go off in search of something else to attempt (insert art, writing, photography, etc, etc, infinity). It's a bad habit & a real concern...must nip it in the bud & make friends with the fears in order to push through anyway.
So that's kinda where I am...neither here nor there, I guess.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Funnily enough, I got the above Emily Dickinson quote while watching Criminal Minds (they have the BEST quotes on that show). It was an older episode about a mother whose son had been kidnapped 8 years prior. She devoted every day of those 8 years to trying to find him & in the process she lost the rest of her family, bits of her own sanity, and the respect of everyone around her because she believed in something that no one else could (finding her child alive after so much time). Of course, in the end (and because it's Hollywood), she was the hero who helped find other missing childrens because she never gave up.
I often feel alittle bit like that mother--believing in something no one else can, trusting something that no one can see, hoping for something that appears, to others, as hopelessly out of reach. Much like the spiderweb above...something so fragile and often easily overlooked or swept away becomes strong and beautiful under extreme circumstances...I feel like hope is this way too.
I guess I am making peace with this hope--I am not crazy, I am not naive, I am not desperate. I am simply in love & I believe in something that is beyond my comprehension but is securely in my heart, growing stronger & more beautiful with the extreme circumstances of passing time...and apparently I'm way more patient than I ever knew I could be.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I'll look forward to shooting even more, and hopefully I will get them processed more quickly each time. I have to send them to Precision Camera in Austin (supporting my hometown peeps), and while they have reasonable prices for processing & scanning, it's still a bit of a cost to consider, but such is the way with film. And speaking of looking forward, I'm already thinking about my 2011 goals list...granted 2010 isn't yet complete, but it is trickling away rather quickly. I'm trying to stay present while looking ahead.
So onward & upward...was fun to dive into photography alittle more this past year & I'm eager to dive into much more of everything going forward.
Monday, November 22, 2010
I'm just stuck, which has me feeling totally (and unnecessarily) stressed out. Bottom line: I don't think I'm going to hit my 50K by end of the month & that totally sucks because I feel, just by saying that, I've officially given up. I mean, there's just NO WAY I'm going to whip out 30,000 words over the next 7 days...just NO BLOODY WAY. And I'm accepting that...slowly but surely.
I mean 20,000 words is still more than I've EVER written in my entire life...well not entire, collective life (which makes me wonder--how many words collectively have I written during my 39.5 years on earth? but that's another post), but it IS the most I've written for a particular writing assignment. So I guess I should be proud of that--and I am. And the novel isn't dead--I still want to see it through--it's just obviously not going to be born via NaNoWriMo 2010!
I'm definitely bummed & feeling uber defeated. But you know what? I don't feel stressed out anymore & that's a nice little weight off my shoulders!
Friday, November 19, 2010
I'm trying to find his people (sent out an alert via my neighborhood Yahoo newsgroup, posted on Petfinder.com, will take to the vet this afternoon to see if he's micro-chipped & will hang flyers around the hood this weekend) because if this were my sweet girl, I would want someone to do all the things I'm doing to reunite us. But I have to admit, he's already stealing my heart. I named him George--bad idea, I know, but he's just so dern cute & rather good. So I know he must be someone's pooch, I just worry given his condition that he's either not been as well cared for as I believe a dog should be or he's been roaming on his own for some time now.
I've never seen him anywhere in my neighborhood--and I spend alot of time out walking my dog or taking pictures--I've never seen him in a yard or being walked by someone or anything. A neighbor said she'd seen him earlier yesterday morning, so it's not like he'd just been out for a few minutes last night before we found him--he'd been wandering & no telling for how long.
Poor thing is itchy & dirty & stinky--but so so sweet. I've since learned Westies are prone to skin infections--he definitley has something more than just "the elements" irritating him. So when I go for the micro-chip, I'll get the vet to take a look and give me some tips on addressing it. It's one of those things that you don't want to go overboard & spend tons of money on a dog that you may have to turn back over tomorrow (and it's easy to spend too much at the vet on any given day), but he's uncomfortable, so I've atleast gotta help him with that. (was a restless night sleep last night, let me tell you). I'll figure out the rest as we go.
I will continue to try to find his peeps...and hope that if I do, they deserve to get him back.
PS: the NaNo writing hasn't been going well this week (i.e. aside from Monday, it's not been going at all unfortunately), BUT the weekend is upon me & I have high hopes I can crank alot out this weekend--I only need 17K to get caught up...so you know, no pressure or anything (especially when I'll have this cutie patootie running around being ahh-dorable!)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
I did pick up some speed this past week, so I hope I can piggy back off of that this coming week, and finish a bit stronger by the end of next weekend. The story is unfolding nicely, some snags here & there as to how I thought it was going to go (and I'm pretty sure I need to completely re-do my beginning).
And I really have no concrete idea where I'm going from page to page, but I'm finding that the story is letting itself be told without too much manipulation on my part (well you know except for the typing & retyping). I'm finding each scene just sort of leads to the next scene, and the characters I created appear when they need to & some new ones pop up out of nowhere.
I am having more fun with it too (meeting my characters is the part I get most chuffed about), plus I'm getting better at not back-editing each time I sit down. I keep reminding myself "yes it is crap, who cares, just get the ideas & the words down." I will confess, I am an obsessive "recount" hitter in Word--it's both motivating and distracting, so I will work on not hitting that button with every pause I take. Otherwise, full steam ahead...
Monday, November 8, 2010
For me, I think it's proving tricky in the following ways:
- I'm doing too much rewrite as I write (for every 2 words I write, I feel like I rewrite them each 4 times--time waster!)
- I'm not totally sure how solid my story is (and I find myself distracted in research in the middle of a paragraph--time destroyer!)
- And probably because of the lack of solidity, I'm having trouble understanding my characters (although I did just discover an unplanned character & I'm quite smitten with him, but it's making rethink the first 2K words & one of the main characters that lives in them...and who is sort of the catalyst for my main character's decisions--time annihilator!)
My goal by Sunday eve was 12,500 words...I have less than 1/2 of that at barely over 5K. Listen closely--can you hear it--my tears of defeat dripping down onto the keyboard? Yeah I can't hear it either because I'm not crying, but I am pissed because I spent ALOT of time writing this weekend, and yet, I have very little to show for it. On the page anyway. I guess the biggest part is the learning & hopefully that will show up on the page as I continue.
Because I'm not going to let my word count set back defeat me. I'm not going to say "well I'm already behind & there's no way I can catch up, so I might as well not even bother with the other 45,000 words," even though I'm not gonna lie, I've thought it. I'm just going to buckle down, aim for daily writing (instead of saving so much up for the weekend like I thought was a good idea last weekend), learn from my mistakes, and hope that the more I write, the more I will write!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
FYI: 50,000 words in 30 days = approximately 1,667 words per day or 12,500 words per week.
I was watching other NaNo writers hit their daily word counts, feeling myself getting further & further behind as I massaged the same 800 words over & over & over. I have to give myself some credit--from the get-go I completely intended to get most of my word count in at the weekends & wasn't going to freak myself out with needing to produce 1,667 words every-single-day (especially when I sit in a cube for 8 hrs of those weekdays). But these 800 words were taunting me & the the more I hoped they'd turn into something that would work, the more they simply refused to play nice. Actually the words were fine (some even good). It was the scene itself that was refusing to be my friend. Bottom line--what I was trying to make into the opening scene, was not in fact the opening scene.
Just as I was having thoughts of throwing in the towel, I had a mini break-thru yesterday at work...yeah, yeah, I know, shhh, don't tell them, okay?! I scribbled the ideas down as they kinda flooded me, cramming as much messy handwriting as I could into my handy dandy pocket novel notebook. I "outlined" the first scene, and then the next 2 scenes, during this break-thru. Nothing flowery, mind you, just basic thoughts "she leaves here...she meets him there...she's nervous, she has a secret...he's nervous, he too has a secret..." that I would use as my guide when I could actualy sit down at the computer later that night from home and flesh it out all literary like!
And by golly it worked. I hammered out 1,200 new words with relative ease last night...granted, they're rough, some even ragged, but they're down on the page & they're working to propel the story & that's about all I can hope for this month.
December can be for the gentle soothing of revision's loving and tender embrace. November is gonna be like sex in a public restroom with a stranger...dirty & fast!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Don't Write, by Jenn Lee from her sold-out Don't Write: A Reluctant Journal:
Thank you Jenn Lee....
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Since I still have like 3 days to really start writing, I thought I'd flesh out some things that have been on my mind. One of the main ones being a pen name. Due to the nature of the type of writing I'm most interested in, I have always thought I'd write it under a pen name (you know, if I ever got around to writing it to a larger audience).
I thought I should do this to 1) protect myself from undue discrimination by whomever my current employer might happen to be, 2) maybe to protect myself from pervy folks who might seek me out, or 3) to keep separate creativities separate (art, writing, photography, etc). And while I often romanticised the idea of crafting some cool new name, the thought of not writing completely as ME has never sat very well with me. Plus the notion of having to keep my writing separate from other aspects of my life (whether real life or online life) seemed like such a hassle & one that I often use an excuse from diving headfirst into my writing or engaging in more online writing group opportunities.
The bottom lines is that if I'm ever lucky enough to get published, I would be 100% proud to say "that's mine...that's mine...that's mine" rather than having to keep it a secret or have to convince someone "by the way, I wrote this...no really, I write under that pen name...this is MY book." So basically as an official participant of NaNoWriMo, it's time to just embrace it all. I have wanted to write erotic stories since a conversation I had with a girlfriend in a pub one evening about 12 years ago & I have drug my feet on it ever since. November 2010 is the point at which that changes...for me in all my glory!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
And then things start to get all complicated (unnecessarily so)...how do I make photos that look like that, cameras--how many different ones will I buy, I must find "cool" things to shoot now, why don't mine look like hers/his...etc. And guess what--the pleasure of simply capturing the everyday started to slowly slip out of it, like the air of post-birthday balloon, the fun factor began deflating.
So this is a long way of saying that I decided just to pop out my little snap & shoot digital camera & take it on my evening dog walk. The same dog walk that day-after-day finds me saying "oh, I wish I had my camera" and "oh I HAVE GOT to remember to bring Holga/Pola/Minnie (although this chick is maxie) back to shoot this." I won't say I took THE MOST stellar photos, but I took some damn photos & that is my damn point.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I was reviewing & updating my 2010 Goals List & realizing alot of it's not going to happen, but also realizing that much of it has...so I'm going to consider that a win/win given the fact that this year has still been a struggle health-wise, but it's finally feeling like it's steadily getting better for a change (knock on wood).
At this stage in the year--2.5 months to go before 2010 officially ends--there are just some things that are not going to happen. Namely things that will require travel (California & UK). Some things are probably not going to happen (like opening an Etsy store or submitting a short story for publication...or even having sex somewhere new); however, they might happen & I'm leaving the window open for that. And then there are a few things (like buying new Fiestaware, making ornaments, and/or seeing 2 more live shows) that could easily happen if I just get it in gear. I will focus on some of these & hope to cross more off the list before this year fades away.
Stay tuned...I know I will be.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
And speaking of that lack of creativity...I feel the desire to do so (both art & writing..and even photography), but I just am not doing any of it. Again I can blame it on the health woes (just feeling blah, no energy--not so sure the thyroid treatment itself is doing the trick) or on my studies for the dog training, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm just not creating...even when I do have time. And it's pissing me off...and frustrating me...and getting me a bit down lately.
That is all...
Friday, October 1, 2010
Enough with the not-enough-ness. Enough with this lie of perfection. Thanks to Brene Brown's call to action with "the perfect protest" and her new book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are maybe we can all learn to relearn what it means to be real. And that is an awesome truth if you ask me.
And you know what else is awesome...I know what I'm buying EVERYONE for Christmas this year! :)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
This happens from time to time--it's like the creativity damn springs a leak & the various outlets I gravitate toward (interiors, mixed media, writing, photography) all start vying for attention at the same time. It's like the teacher has asked the schoolkids who knows the answer & each of them eagerly raise their hands, quietly sitting in their school seats, jutting the extended arm up higher in hopes of being noticed & called on first. The trouble with this is I never know which one to call on--which one I want to dive into--and as such, none of them get attention in the end.
I would really really really like to get better at managing/juggling my various creative interests--find a way somehow to indulge them all yet still maintain productivity with each. It will be a process I'm sure, and I'm also sure that doing ANYthing creative right now can only be a good thing.
Monday, September 27, 2010
I've been back a day & a half (first day back to work) and I'm slowly feeling my brain turn back on--and not the good, helpful brain way, but the gremlin brain of obsessive thinking that leads nowhere but eventual madness. I'm keeping it at bay & trying to hold onto the calm of a week watching waves roll endlessly into shore, sun shining gleefully down on shoulders and toes, and crying from laughing so hard/much with a group of grown women.
I barely even captured any photos while there--only what I could snap on my phone really. I'm bummed about that, but that is the only thing...everything else was ab*sol*ute*ly perfect. I feel ready to tackle reality again & make it a more fulfilling one at that.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The thing is, I've not done it for 3 years & honestly I hadn't really had alot of practice with it before then either. You see, I was with the same man from the age of 19-31, so I lost some prime dating/learning years in my 20's.
As part of the process I referenced in my earlier post, I'm realizing some things about me--seeing some patterns & noting overlapping similarities threaded throughout my life. I have realized I approach dating much in the same way I've approached job searching. Ever since graduating from college in 1993, I have been miserable in my jobs--every.single.one.of.them! But with each new job I'd seek, I'd be so thrilled just to get an interview & I wanted to make the best impression & prove I was the best candidate, so they'd pick me & give me the job! Without giving much thought as to whether I really wanted this job or to work for this company. And then I'd find myself stuck in a job I didn't like, until I got fed up & went in search of another in just the same way!
I think I've approached relationships exactly the same way. If a guy is interested in me (and halfway attractive to me in some way), well then I better take him! And then I'd spend the rest of the relationship trying to make him into the guy I would have preferred him to be instead of the one he actually was. It's like I wanted to make sure I was right for him, who cared if he was actually right for me.
I'm going to approach dating more like a job interview in reverse: he has to prove to me whether his skill set, experience level, and qualifications are good enough to get hired for the job of MY boyfriend. I know it sounds obvious, but sadly this has never been my M.O. with guys, but it is drastically changing my view of dating this go-round. Instead of seeing a delay in or lack of contact as something wrong with me (he must not like me or he must be seeing someone else better), I'm now seeing it as "well he just screwed that up...resume in the bin." It's making a HUGE difference in my confidence level & helping quiet the "why hasn't he called" or "will he ask me out again."
More dating baby steps--tiny victories at a time!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
But let me back up. I think I previously referenced diving back into the (online) dating pool, which I have now been wading in for about 3 weeks. I've met a great guy via the online site & have had two great dates. This is the most promising thing that's happened to me in the last 3 years...so it's no wonder it's making me a little nutty...happy, but nutty!
This dating stuff has rustled up some festering, unresolved emotions I have about someone I fell in love with about 3 years ago. Someone I have kept in touch with every day since then, yet haven't physically seen in almost 2.5 years. At first it was easy to wait (visa issues + a demanding job made it tough). Every month I'd hold out hope that maybe this was the month the visa would get sorted out. Then the months lingered on, turning into 6, 9, 12. I made reference to meeting up elsewhere if he couldn't come here, but he could never manage the time off. He spent 7 days a week working 16+ hr days in a shithole of a country. Having a life was quickly becoming a thing of the past for him, and he was letting it. Fast forward 2.5 years & I'm still holding on, albeit angrily & with resentment oozing out from between my clenched fingers. I finally made the decision to get back out there & stop waiting, hence the online dating. But even in so doing, I was still having mixed emotions about it...still feeling emotionally connected to him. I STILL was unable to fully give up the dream I'd so stubbornly clung to.
But the Universe intervened, helping me make the final break I've been unable to make for a long time. (well I'm still in the painful process of fully accepting the break, but I have more of a peace about it than I ever have, so I've no doubt it's a done deal). I won't go into the why's & how's of it coming to pass now when it hasn't so far, but suffice it to say, some external happening pushed me to the brink of such a devastating hurt that I could no longer ignore, contain, or rationalize all the anger that's been lying in wait. It still hurts to let go of the dream & I realized, as I went about trying to gather up memories of him to box up, there are no boxes big enough to pack away a dream. I can get rid of the pictures & momentos & gifts & emails & all the other bits of history that linger in every crack & corner of my house--a house he hasn't even physically been in for well over 2 years, yet holds so much about him--but the overriding dream cannot simply be sealed up or tossed away. It will still take time, but I'm feeling freer each moment of each day.
And hopeful that my dating endeavors can now take a front seat & also be free of the ties to someone & something else. Once again, with every failed attempt at anything, I now have a more clear vision of what I want, need & deserve...and I am working every day to accept the fact that I am worth so much more than I've allowed for myself thus far. This inspires me to no end...I only wish I'd had as much insight at 29 (or shoot even now at 39).
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Looking toward the final couple of days of August Break & getting a bit nostalgic already. I haven't kept up with it every-single-day, but having it as a catalyst for taking & posting pics sure has been a nice nudge. Maybe it'll rub off for September!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
My energy has been chronically up (hooray) & my motivation has been following suit (albeit a bit more shyly) & my general outlook has been pleasantly positive. I think it has been a combination of improved thryoid function, along with feeling inspired about my dog traning studies!
However, I made the mistake of signing up for Match.com on Sunday...I regretted doing so about 2 hrs after I did it. It could be the cause of my current down-in-the-dumps-ness (I'm getting tired of chronic disappointments in this realm of my life) but I'm trying to keep hope alive with it all, so let's just chalk this current mood/energy slump up to monthly swings & plan to return to our regularly scheduled goodness in another day or two, shall we?!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
I cannot believe it's already August 20th. It's really true what they say, time does seem to go faster the older you get. But it's FRIDAY & that's really all that matters today!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
My brain is bustling & bursting with ideas, to-do's, to-consider's, to-research, and all other manner of thoughts related to my Plan B...the dog training endeavor. I haven't even started my studies yet (the materials should arrive later TODAY!!!), but already I am busting at the seams with thoughts & excitement about how to do this new thing...and do it well & with gusto!
Never before have I been SO excited about a career path...or anything for that matter. Never before have I not gotten in my own way with "yeah but's" & "nuh uh's" & other forms of gremlin activity...well except maybe when I was planning my wedding. That too was FUN! The constant barrage of ideas & brain churnings are exhilerating, not debilitating. I can't quit thinking about things like business names & logos & websites or even the unfun stuff of running a business like taxes and dba's and income and liability and health insurance.
I'm looking forward to cracking my books & working hard on my studies--that's the most important part afterall--but until I get those books, my head is twirling with possibilities and it feels oh so good.