let's get this party started

OK, enough holiday blues...enough CFS pity party...enough talking & more doing. I've been off sugar for a few days now which no doubt is helping me feel inspired & ready to bust a move.

Tis the eve of the eve of the New Year...2011 baby, she's a-comin'! I'm working on my goals list, my intention word...dreaming big yet in realistic ways since it's been brought to my attention recently that I tend towards too high of expectations. I mean there's nothing wrong with reaching for the stars. But sometimes I think for me, I reach for too many, too high, too often so as to set myself up for impossible expectations & probable disappointments.

That being said, my yearly goals list has always been more about putting it down than cracking the whip to make sure they all get done. In fact, of all the things I can beat myself up about, going through my previous year's list & noting which were done & not done doesn't cause me the least bit of strife or self-criticism. Not sure why, but I guess I'm one of those gals who feels that you've got to name it to claim it...put it out there to get it back.

For instance, there were several things on my 2010 to-do list that even as of Nov 1, I didn't think I'd make happen, but within the remaining weeks of the year I sure as shit did. Take #6 "start novel in earnest" and #12 "add to Fiestaware"--two totally different levels of to-dos. I had kinda written those off, but the opportunity belatedly presented itself to me on both counts, so I said "let's cross those bitches off."

And with that, I'm ready to cross some new things off in the new year. I'm still working on the what's...but I'll be back to post them & other random ramblings in the next couple of days.

xoxo!

it's official

Okay, it's official--I'm totally mad (like crazy, loony, lost it). I am a (completely naive) participant for NaNoWriMo 2010. Let the writing begin. I'm not totally sure how much I will divulge about my writing process here--I thought about creating a different blog for that, but really I doubt I'll have the time to post much during the month of November anyway. So what I do blog about it, will be here & limited.

Since I still have like 3 days to really start writing, I thought I'd flesh out some things that have been on my mind. One of the main ones being a pen name. Due to the nature of the type of writing I'm most interested in, I have always thought I'd write it under a pen name (you know, if I ever got around to writing it to a larger audience).

I thought I should do this to 1) protect myself from undue discrimination by whomever my current employer might happen to be, 2) maybe to protect myself from pervy folks who might seek me out, or 3) to keep separate creativities separate (art, writing, photography, etc). And while I often romanticised the idea of crafting some cool new name, the thought of not writing completely as ME has never sat very well with me. Plus the notion of having to keep my writing separate from other aspects of my life (whether real life or online life) seemed like such a hassle & one that I often use an excuse from diving headfirst into my writing or engaging in more online writing group opportunities.

The bottom lines is that if I'm ever lucky enough to get published, I would be 100% proud to say "that's mine...that's mine...that's mine" rather than having to keep it a secret or have to convince someone "by the way, I wrote this...no really, I write under that pen name...this is MY book." So basically as an official participant of NaNoWriMo, it's time to just embrace it all. I have wanted to write erotic stories since a conversation I had with a girlfriend in a pub one evening about 12 years ago & I have drug my feet on it ever since. November 2010 is the point at which that changes...for me in all my glory!

xoxo!

giant leaps

I might be crazy, naive or just smoking crack, but I'm seriously considering hopping on the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) bandwagon this year. It starts Nov 1, so I have 6 days to either talk myself out of it or create a damn logline & get organized. It will get #6 crossed off the list, so that's something, right?! :)

Plus, if I donate to a LGBT or gender rights charity, I can get access to some NaNoWriMo tips/insight from the lovely & talented Shanna Germain as I crawl through the month of Nov, so that's something awesomely win/win, right? Plus I've already had a FCKH8 t-shirt sitting in my shopping cart for several days already, waiting for payday this week (and for me to decide on the logo shirt or the dudes marry dudes shirt)!

Stay tuned...

xoxo!

time flies

a beachhouse in OBX...taken 2005

I was reviewing & updating my 2010 Goals List & realizing alot of it's not going to happen, but also realizing that much of it has...so I'm going to consider that a win/win given the fact that this year has still been a struggle health-wise, but it's finally feeling like it's steadily getting better for a change (knock on wood).



At this stage in the year--2.5 months to go before 2010 officially ends--there are just some things that are not going to happen. Namely things that will require travel (California & UK). Some things are probably not going to happen (like opening an Etsy store or submitting a short story for publication...or even having sex somewhere new); however, they might happen & I'm leaving the window open for that. And then there are a few things (like buying new Fiestaware, making ornaments, and/or seeing 2 more live shows) that could easily happen if I just get it in gear. I will focus on some of these & hope to cross more off the list before this year fades away.



Stay tuned...I know I will be.



xoxo!

compost happens...so does shit!

compost bin, #13 off the list

Man oh man, I've been MIA & scattered & sporadic & unfocused & down & up &...well, just not here! I feel like I've got alot to write about, yet nothing to say. I guess you could say I feel a bit lost to myself right now.

The biggest update, I suppose is that about 2.5 weeks ago (June 18th to be exact), I went to a new doctor/clinic in hopes of finding help with my continued flailing health. Based on my laundry list of symptoms + physical exam, they started me on some hormones (thyroid, progesterone, cortisol, etc) plus a super-strict anti-yeast diet with medication for that. The blood tests I received about 10 days later confirmed that I am having thyroid problems (autoimmune thyroiditis), plus adrenal fatigue, plus super low vitamin D, plus high levels showing internal inflammation. Blah, blah, blah...basically I finally have some actual "proof" that something's wrong which is a HUGE start.

After about 2 weeks, I am starting to notice some improvements in energy, mood, & motivation. Not like 100% improvements, but moves in the right direction. [I don't want to jinx myself here, and it's not a quick-fix & will take about 3 months to right me, if it is the proper treatment.] In fact, just this weekend I did the following all in one day: art, errands, exercise (hooping), cooking, misc household chores, and phone talking! Plus I did it all with a bit of a twinkle in my eye. This might be a normal day for most, but it was MUCH different than the ones I'm used to lately. But that was one day...and while I'm grateful...today's been a bit different.

I don't know if it's just that I don't know what to do with myself with a sustained level of energy or if it's hard breaking out of the old pattern of slothfulness or what, but I fizzled out today & slugged around most of the day instead of keeping the momentum going with art & things I've been craving & dreaming of doing for months.

It probably didn't help that I felt a bit down today...lonely is really more the word I should be using. There, I said it, I'm Lonely! I've become so isolated from not feeling like doing anything & the fact that I haven't had a real partner in 3 years is frustrating, as is the fact that the partner I last had is still lingering in a long distance way in my life, yet he's not even fully present from his distant perch. All in all, I just feel lonelier than I ever have...friends are few between (and far flung), dating is non-existent, and me alone at home is becoming very tiresome & monotonous.

Monotonous is a good word too...I don't feel inspired yet. Not with my art. Not with my writing. Not with my career change. Not with dating. Not with anything really (well, the hooping is definitely helping & I'm coming along even in just a couple short days). So I'm just hoping those other things (the inspiration & motivation & oomph) will start to catch up to the energy as it continues (hopefully) to grace me with its presence more & more.

I could go on & on with whining about how I'm not doing this or not accomplishing that, but I won't....I'll leave it on a positive note of everything catching up in due time. Because the truth is, I'm feeling a hell of a lot more hopeful about it than I was even just 3 weeks ago!

xoxo!

ooops, I did it again

Signed up for another e-course...my extreme e-coursing 2010 continues.



Should be good though...get the creative juices flowing & whatnot...and it's for 12 whole weeks (gulp!). And shoot, I guess it will suffice as #8 on the list!

xoxo!

list #4

UK, TX (along the roadside somewhere outside of Round Top, TX)

Okay, I wouldn't say I've been like super BUSY, but as I was recently feeling sorry for myself about my continued low energy keeping me from doing anything, I realized that I've in fact checked a couple of things off my 2010 goals list...including this, #4!

wise warrior (taken in Bastrop, TX)

I've been trying to get into my Polaroid 680 alittle more. It's not as groovy as an SX-70, but now that I'm learning how to use it a bit better, I'm finding it to be charming in its own right.

I took a trip out to a little town called Round Top--it's about 1/2 way between Houston (my current town) and Austin (my hometown). I can't believe it's taken me THIS long to go out there, but I went twice in a 10 day period! The first time I met a friend I hadn't seen in something like 25 years. I liked it so much (the drive through the country was really calming & inspiring), I decided to do my photo day trip (#4) out there again, taking my time this time to stop & take pictures...and to buy a ridiculously cool book to use for my (currently imaginary) art work.

chandelier (Royer, Round Top, TX)

Mind you, one of the first stops I made was to take a picture was of a groovy old, abandoned bowling alley sign in a town called Sealy. Notice how there is not a picture above of a bowling sign? As I stood there framing my shot, a guy pulls up in his pickup from seemingly nowhere (apparently he had been sitting in said pickup in the shadows around the side of the building) and freaks the crap out of me as he leered out of his window to ask me why I was taking pictures. I didn't feel like going into detail about my penchant for bowling, old signs, or Polaroids, so I just said "cause it's cool." He replied with "it's cool huh?" And then put it in reverse to return to his stalking, er I mean, parking spot.

By why is there is no bowling sign picture? Well I was out of freakin' film when I went to snap the picture just before he interrupted me & I wasn't about to spend any more time there to tear open a pack of film, get it loaded, get back out of my Jeep, and walk over to take the picture.

Oh well...just another excuse to go back out there to get THAT picture! It's gonna really gimme the heebie jeebies is that dude is there again the next time!

xoxo!

i'm around

Man, oh man, time is just flying by. I've had thoughts & ideas for blog posts running rampant, but as of yet, I have not sat down to write/coordinate a single one. Hopefully this week will be a bit more fruitful on that level.

I have noticed, in my seemingly missing-in-action (i.e. inaction) status as of late, that I've actually accomplished a few things on the list miraculously, so I must not be 100% inactive. I gleefully look forward to being able to share some of the ones I can now tick off that list. I do have some important ones to go still...but let's focus on the positive, shall we?! Also I've got an update on health stuff (sorta). But no real updates on art stuff (unfortunately).

More on all of the above (and some random pics) later this week...I hope!

xoxo!

ready, set...STOP!

Ugh, I think this hot yoga challenge wasn't such a good idea right out of the gate of starting to feel better. Each time I've gone, I've felt the draining effects the day after. Not the good kind of post excerise invirogation & energy boost, but the deep down drain of my all-too-familiar CFS lethargy. No, No, No!

Unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to put the challenge on hold...for now. I will continue going to yoga classes, some hot, some not, and mix it up with my park power walk workouts, but for now, the hot 90 minute classes are proving tough on me (the class itself is getting easier & I love it while I'm doing it, but it's the post-exertional malaise, as they call it, that's kicking my ass the most).

I need to listen to my body, not be stubborn just for the sake of the self-imposed challenge, because I DO NOT want to go back to feeling the chronic energy suck every single day. The challenge will have to wait for a later date, hopefully when I can sustain my energy even after vigorous exercise!

xoxo!

ready, set...sweat!

downward dog photo, found here

So Friday was Day #1 of my self-inflicted 30-day hot yoga challenge. It actually went alot better than I thought...well, I didn't think it would go badly, but I was a bit nervous to embark on this, seeing how I haven't done hot yoga in about 7-8 years. Coming off of the CFS induced last 2 years, exercise has fallen by the wayside. I've been getting back to the park for my power walks in recent weeks, so I thought it was a good time to up the ante & dive into my hot yoga goal for the year.

Originally I set out to do a 60-day challenge, but I couldn't find 60 consecutive days free (no out of towns or evening plans) in the foreseeable future, and April was all I could manage, so I'm scaling down to a 30-day challenge instead.

For day #1, I managed to stay in the room the entire time, but I did have to sit out a couple of postures (was feeling light-headed upon coming up from certain inverted poses), but I caught my breath, centered myself & dove back in when I felt I was able. I was also surprised at how minimal I kept the criticism of myself in the mirror ahead of me. I did cringe a time or two as I was hanging upside down observing the cottage cheese factory that has taken up residence on my thighs. This is nothing new--it's both genetic & habitual from when I weighed a good 60 lbs more. I doubt I'll ever realistically get totally rid of it, but there have been times in my life where it's been minimal & tolerable.

But that was it on the negativity. Overall, I was proud of myself for going, for hanging in there & pushing through some of the tougher moments. I was also proud that my body could still manage many of the poses with some ease. I already feel like I'm walking taller from just 1 class, so I'm looking forward to improved flexiblity, toning & strength!

xoxo!

an unlikely MUSE

photographer: danny north

Went to see Muse last night at The Toyota Center & man was it BRILLIANT! Now they know how to put on a rock show, I have to say. If you enjoy their music even a smidge, seeing them live will make you fall in love, I promise. Part Radiohead, part Queen, pure energy...between the music, the performance, the visuals and the light show, it was totally & completely spectacular from beginning to 2nd encore end!!!

But even more than the music itself, I found myself flooded with creative inspiration All. Night. Long. I wished I had stuck a note pad in my teeny "going out" purse, so I could dorkily scribble down the endless waves of ideas that kept zooming through my brain. I captured only one on my phone via a text to myself, but hopefully the rest are still in swimming around my noggin & will re-appear as I need them.

I got in late & this "old lady" doesn't do late very often, but it was SO worth it. It'll make for a long day in the cube, but it's Friday, so I promise I won't complain (too much)! I'm looking forward to creating some art this weekend...maybe even with some of this newfound inspiration.

PS: this also means I can tick off 1 from #14 of my 2010 To-Do's list.

xoxo!

Welcome 2010!

very cool photo found here

I was reading something recently that was pondering how collectively we'd pronounce the numerals for this next year. I personally envision people will call it twenty-ten...seems to be the going term already. I personally like oh-ten myself just because it's kinda silly, yet also makes sense given we've already been using the oh-number for 8 years now. Although I like how the old timers would always refer to the turn of the last century with "the year one/five/ten" although I don't see us going in that direction either.

Speaking of directions, I've been thinking about them lately...well mine in particular. I've been spending a bit of time reflecting on this past year, all that it was & all that it wasn't, and trying to project ahead to next year, to all I hope it is & all I hope it isn't. I know alot of people put alot of emphasis on the beginning of a new year, and it's hard not to do...it holds such undenialble freshness, newness, & promise. I am no exception, although I don't like doing traditional "resolutions," but I have always been a fan of "goals." More & more I believe in the power of intention: of envisioning something, naming it, holding it in your heart, and then releasing it out for it to return back to you pure & strong & beyond anything you could have envisioned in your own little mind.

So this year is no expection...I have goals, I have wants, I have half-dreamed dreams that I'm ready to set free and await their return to me in the form that will best suit me. Some of my list of goals are big & far reaching, some are small yet enriching. I like the mix to keep me from feeling overwhelmed.

So here it is, my list of 2010's To-Dos

1. replace job with more satisfying one (I've started down a new career path, but a new job will not happen this year).


2. California friend visit (LA or SanFran) (not gonna happen :( this year)


3. open an Etsy shop (not gonna happen this year)


4. day photo road trip (took a day trip to Round Top 5/2010, plus I also did some photoing while in Bastrop with Mom for Mother's Day weekend)


5. submit a short story for publication (did not happen this year, but definitely next year)


6. start novel, in earnest (I'll be darned, thanks to NaNoWriMo, this actually happened--I got about 21,000 words towards my first novel attempt!!! Yay me!)


7. join an online project/group (photo, art, writing) (this year I joined a few, whether they were e-courses or just for fun--so far Unravelling Winter, Experimental Art Ecourse, Sexy on the Page, Claudine Hellmuth's art ecourse, August Break, and WishStudio's Necklace project [I've yet, as of Oct 19th, to get the necklace to add my charm tho])


8. attend a retreat/class (art, photo, writing, jewelry, craft) (taking Claudine Hellmuth's 12-week online mixed-media art e-course--this will have to suffice, as budget is not going to allow for in-person retreat this year!)


9. attend UK boot sale, charity shop spree (not gonna happen this year)


10. complete Bikram 60-day challenge (attempted a 30-day one in April, but it was too much too soon--wiped me out. hope to try it again later in year)


11. submit piece to Art Wall online art store (did not happen, not sure I still want to happen)


12. add to Fiestaware (hmm, do I want this to happen?)


13. start compost bin (set one up May 2010!!!)


14. see atleast 3 live shows (one down: Muse 3/18...but that's it...dern, thought 3 was totally doable)


15. go to the beach w/ my girlz (spent a week in SPI for D's 40th Birthday--woot woot)


16. take 1 photo every day (this is dead in the water--is it too late to restart on 3/19?)


17. go dancing (I was about to say not gonna happen, but it actually happened in conjunction with #15 above...it was lame & I didn't really get my dance on, but it happened)


18. make xmas ornaments (still could happen as of Dec 1, likely won't)


19. have sex somewhere new (well this ain't gonna happen...sigh!)


20. move (this hasn't happened--I left it vague to mean either move house or move my body [i.e. exercise], but neither's really come to pass)

So there we go...20 things for oh-10! Can't wait to get started...hoping for a busy & bustling & energetic year!!!

xoxo!