Friday, December 31, 2010


Last year, with Unravelling, I set a word for the intention with which to live. For 2010 it was "visibility"...both to be seen & to see clearly. I think I accomplished this in some ways, if not exactly in the ways I anticipated.

I de-lurked on most of the blogs I rely on daily to get me through the 9-5 grind by commenting regularly. I Facebook "friended" many online folks (mostly from aforementioned Unravelling) and got to know them better & let them alittle closer into my world. I added more contacts on Flickr & joined in on a few online groups/classes. Plus I tried to be more real & consistent on this blog, even though I question often why I have this silly thing. As for the seeing clearly part...well there was definitely some of that, although nothing that was knock-you-over-the-head EUREKA! kinda stuff, but good nuggets that helped me climb up a bit. I hope to continue letting visibility guide me into another year as well.

But with a new year comes a new view...a new mission, if you will. This year my intention, my word, is PROSPERITY...yes, in big capital letters please!

*Prosperity: a successful, thriving or flourishing condition. (ahhhh, it just makes me feel full when I read that)

I think often times we associate prosperity with financial success. And that is definitely part of my intention (throw me a bone here too Universe). I am choosing this word for more encompassing reasons. I also want to draw prosperity into my life for health, heart & my pending pursuits. I want to put my chronic fatigue behind me. I want to heal my heart-wounds & approach life more wholeheartedly. I want to dive head first into starting my dog training business & kick up some dust with my art & writing, so I can escape the cube once & for all. I want to set fear aside, so I can thrive, succeed & flourish for a change.

I'm staring down the barrel at 40 this July. The thing is, I'm not freaking out or ashamed or dreading it at all because I can feel that thing I've heard so many before me say...that this stage in life brings you to who you're meant to be. I've felt it brewing already and I can feel in my bones every step I take these days...the growing pains have already started, but they're good, like soreness after a really good workout. I have been living at 75% for too many years now & it's definitely time to prosper!


Thursday, December 30, 2010

let's get this party started

OK, enough holiday blues...enough CFS pity party...enough talking & more doing. I've been off sugar for a few days now which no doubt is helping me feel inspired & ready to bust a move.

Tis the eve of the eve of the New Year...2011 baby, she's a-comin'! I'm working on my goals list, my intention word...dreaming big yet in realistic ways since it's been brought to my attention recently that I tend towards too high of expectations. I mean there's nothing wrong with reaching for the stars. But sometimes I think for me, I reach for too many, too high, too often so as to set myself up for impossible expectations & probable disappointments.

That being said, my yearly goals list has always been more about putting it down than cracking the whip to make sure they all get done. In fact, of all the things I can beat myself up about, going through my previous year's list & noting which were done & not done doesn't cause me the least bit of strife or self-criticism. Not sure why, but I guess I'm one of those gals who feels that you've got to name it to claim it...put it out there to get it back.

For instance, there were several things on my 2010 to-do list that even as of Nov 1, I didn't think I'd make happen, but within the remaining weeks of the year I sure as shit did. Take #6 "start novel in earnest" and #12 "add to Fiestaware"--two totally different levels of to-dos. I had kinda written those off, but the opportunity belatedly presented itself to me on both counts, so I said "let's cross those bitches off."
And with that, I'm ready to cross some new things off in the new year. I'm still working on the what's...but I'll be back to post them & other random ramblings in the next couple of days.


Monday, December 27, 2010

an ode to CFS

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) doesn't sound very serious and it's not life-threatening (unless you consider that some resort to suicide vs living any longer in the state CFS brings). It's not the same for everyone, and it can't be tested for. It's a condition diagnosed after everything else is ruled out. Most people don't understand it or they mock it or they flippantly say things like "tell me about it, I'm tired too." Hell, I don't fully understand it even though I've been living with it for 3 years now. I have fought the fact that I even have it (figuring it's GOT to be something else), until I started reading others' stories about it & realized I was indeed in THAT boat.

You look fine--there's no obvious signs of disease or distress or markings or red flags. It is a thief, dressed in black, moving stealthly, unnoticed by the outside world. Not only does it steal your physical energy, it steals your mind's energy, your motivation, your joy, your zest, your comfort, your rest. It's often misdiagnosed as depression for this reason, but any depression is a side-effect, not a cause. Some people can't get out of bed. I get out of bed most days around 4am, I go to work, I come home to the couch, I lie in the tub, I get back into bed around 8pm because I can't stand to be up any longer. And in between these auto-pilot movements & foggy thinking, I dream of so many things that I want to do, but with my gumption & motivation & zeal stolen, nothing but the basics get done.

There are days of energy, days of doing. But I've learned they are mirages; they don't last...sometimes not even for a whole day. I grab hold of these when I can, do things that have been wanting to get done, and sometimes let myself feel hopeful that I'm fixed. But invariably the hour comes...I don't know when it'll be. Sometimes it's 8am, sometimes not til 10am or just after noon, but it comes. The light disappears, the motivation vanishes, and I'm back on the couch maxed out, a fog of non-doing now filling up my head. This is the cycle CFS takes in my life--in my heart I want to go & do & be out & be seen & get heard & be happy, but my body/energy/head can't be bothered with such things. It just wants to be still, be quiet & hide. I don't sleep, mind you, it's not that kind of tired for me. I lie around, concious but unable. Like I'm trapped in a bubble filled with a haze--I can sorta see out, but I cannot get out.

I am hopeful I can break the cycle. I am hopeful I can bust through the fog & reclaim who I used to be. But it's hard when you slide back & forth; daring to hope is a vulnerable place to be, especially when disappointment is never too far behind. But I keep trying--new doctors & alternative practitioners, new treatments, new food plans, tactics, mindsets, books, therapies, theories, support & attempts. It's all I can do, here alone in this fog-filled bubble, on my couch of hope.


blue christmas

OK, I think it's offical...I'm having a blue Christmas. I'm sure it's mostly because I was hormonal the week leading to Christmas, of all weeks. Might also be because I've been nursing a bum foot (it's not serious, but it does hurt & makes walking annoying). Or could be because I opted not to pull out the small smattering of decorations I have to put up a tree.

Basically it's just that time of the year...seeing everyone else be cheery & bright & together & merry really does make this the loneliest time of year...for someone like me who doesn't do the whole family gathering or have the funds to buy everyone gifts or (and this is probably the biggest part) have a partner to spend it with. I tried to start a tradition a few years ago of being away from home on a personal vacation during Christmas, but as finances have dried up, that wasn't in the budget again this year.

Whatever the cause this year, it's definitely catching up with me as Christmas has come & gone and now we eek toward the the end of the year. I didn't make as much use out my 4 days off, home alone, this past weekend as I'd intended. I did alittle art, but mostly ALOT of TV watching. (seriously why is it easier to clear out the DVR rather than the stack of books left unread? I mean, both can be done from the couch!?) Alot of that has to do with being in a downslide with the CFS...still experiencing 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

I'm blaming it on the poor food choices I've been making (since Thanksgiving really--mostly to numb I'm sure as the weight of the season snuck up on me). I'm not sure when I'll learn that eating for comfort is the most uncomfortable choice with my just causes the fatigue & the mental exhaustion & the irritability & the body aches & the hopelessness to flare up each & every time. But thankfully THAT is something I can change & so I shall (and will keep doing until it sticks). I would like to be kind to myself in this final week of 2010, so that I can start another year in a better place & make better things happen.


Monday, December 20, 2010

making messes

This is the cluttered area I call my art studio. I've been in it alot more lately. I promise, somewhere in there, art is being made! :) It feels good. Will post pics as I complete things.


Tuesday, December 14, 2010

quiet time

I've been quiet here, partly because I don't have alot to share & I partly because I'm in head-mode. Tis the time of year when I reflect & project. I'm dreaming up my Goals 2011 list--things I would like to accomplish or attempt over the course of the year. As such, I'm not attempting or accomplishing too much at the moment.

Also, I have started to have a backslide into low-energy again, which makes doing things or wanting to do things less appealing. I'm not sure what the deal is other than I was taking some additional supplements a couple of months back which ran out several weeks ago & maybe they were the culprits that had me feeling so much better here recently. Also my food choices have been shitty over the last couple of weeks too, so I'm sure that's not helping. I guess just as well on timing for lying low & projecting forward. Just hope I can get back on an upswing so I have the energy to follow through on my projections.

Another thing I've been feeling coming over me is a familiar paralysis as I near a transition in my dog training studies. I have 1 more book section to complete & then I will start on the hands-on portions. First will be my shelter volunteer work & then my mentor work & then my final certification. Creeping up is that old familiar feeling of "uh comes the real test...will I have what it takes...what if I don't..what if I can't make it work...what if I'm a shitty trainer...what if I can't find clients...what if I FAIL" fear that makes me want to abandon things before I have a chance to fail (or succeed) and instead go off in search of something else to attempt (insert art, writing, photography, etc, etc, infinity). It's a bad habit & a real concern...must nip it in the bud & make friends with the fears in order to push through anyway.

So that's kinda where I am...neither here nor there, I guess.


Saturday, December 4, 2010


Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all. ~ Emily Dickinson
taken by my UK BF Alan during their unusually early winter
I've been Add Imagethinking alot about hope lately...what it is, what it means, where the line occurs between blind faith & plain ol' blindness. I do not have the answer really, but I know I carry specific hopes inside me every day...namely for a love I haven't seen in over 1000 days.

Funnily enough, I got the above Emily Dickinson quote while watching Criminal Minds (they have the BEST quotes on that show). It was an older episode about a mother whose son had been kidnapped 8 years prior. She devoted every day of those 8 years to trying to find him & in the process she lost the rest of her family, bits of her own sanity, and the respect of everyone around her because she believed in something that no one else could (finding her child alive after so much time). Of course, in the end (and because it's Hollywood), she was the hero who helped find other missing childrens because she never gave up.

I often feel alittle bit like that mother--believing in something no one else can, trusting something that no one can see, hoping for something that appears, to others, as hopelessly out of reach. Much like the spiderweb above...something so fragile and often easily overlooked or swept away becomes strong and beautiful under extreme circumstances...I feel like hope is this way too.

I guess I am making peace with this hope--I am not crazy, I am not naive, I am not desperate. I am simply in love & I believe in something that is beyond my comprehension but is securely in my heart, growing stronger & more beautiful with the extreme circumstances of passing time...and apparently I'm way more patient than I ever knew I could be.