prosperity*

Last year, with Unravelling, I set a word for the year...an intention with which to live. For 2010 it was "visibility"...both to be seen & to see clearly. I think I accomplished this in some ways, if not exactly in the ways I anticipated.

I de-lurked on most of the blogs I rely on daily to get me through the 9-5 grind by commenting regularly. I Facebook "friended" many online folks (mostly from aforementioned Unravelling) and got to know them better & let them alittle closer into my world. I added more contacts on Flickr & joined in on a few online groups/classes. Plus I tried to be more real & consistent on this blog, even though I question often why I have this silly thing. As for the seeing clearly part...well there was definitely some of that, although nothing that was knock-you-over-the-head EUREKA! kinda stuff, but good nuggets that helped me climb up a bit. I hope to continue letting visibility guide me into another year as well.

But with a new year comes a new view...a new mission, if you will. This year my intention, my word, is PROSPERITY...yes, in big capital letters please!

*Prosperity: a successful, thriving or flourishing condition. (ahhhh, it just makes me feel full when I read that)

I think often times we associate prosperity with financial success. And that is definitely part of my intention (throw me a bone here too Universe). I am choosing this word for more encompassing reasons. I also want to draw prosperity into my life for health, heart & my pending pursuits. I want to put my chronic fatigue behind me. I want to heal my heart-wounds & approach life more wholeheartedly. I want to dive head first into starting my dog training business & kick up some dust with my art & writing, so I can escape the cube once & for all. I want to set fear aside, so I can thrive, succeed & flourish for a change.

I'm staring down the barrel at 40 this July. The thing is, I'm not freaking out or ashamed or dreading it at all because I can feel that thing I've heard so many before me say...that this stage in life brings you to who you're meant to be. I've felt it brewing already and I can feel in my bones every step I take these days...the growing pains have already started, but they're good, like soreness after a really good workout. I have been living at 75% for too many years now & it's definitely time to prosper!

xoxo!

august break: 8/5

eadie on her pillow tower

Today I am beginning the process of enrollment into my dog training program (as originally revealed here). I am soooo excited & cannot wait to get started. Here's to Plan B finally coming together!

xoxo!

38 turns 39: short year, long journey

urban dinosaur, polaroid 600

Well it happened again--I turned a year older on July 24th! When I began this blog almost a year ago (a few weeks after my bday 2009), I decided to name it take-38 because I wanted to make more of an effort to live creatively--to allow more room & time & energy for making art, writing, and whatever else I deemed "creative." Hence the tagline "a year of living creatively."

I can't say it's been a terribly creative year, but then again, I can't say that it hasn't been either. I had my first art show in November '09 for my assemblage work. That went well--I sold 7 of the 9 pieces (albeit mostly to friends & family), but I've not really created anything new since. I've taken a slew of e-courses so far in 2010, although in all honesty, I didn't really put my all into any one of them (other than the writing one) which is par for the course for me unfortunately & which is why once I finish Claudine's summer course, I won't be taking any more this year (great, now I've just jinxed myself & will likely sign up for many more). I bought a couple of Polaroid cameras & a Holga & have used them to snap fun pics for myself & my friends eventhough I know very little about photography as a craft...and I have yet to get any of the rolls of 120 from Ms. Holga developed yet (so much easier when the pic comes out of the camera fully developed!). I bet there are one or two other creative-y things I've done in the last 11-12 months which are escaping me at the moment, but suffice it to say that I've utilized the photography more than anything else, especially in the last 4-6 months.


And if you're one of the 3 people who've read more than 2 posts on this blog, you know that one of my biggest focuses has been on feeling better. It's been a 3 year battle and a 2.5 year struggle to figure out why I'm without energy, motivation, verve & all the other good stuff that creativity & dreams feed off of. I'm still not there yet, but I hope I'm getting closer now that I've identified a thyroid disorder going on, plus some other hidden imbalances. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to hold out hope. And I'm trying whatever I can to help my body heal.


I am a huge believer in the mind-body connection. Recently I was watching Andrea Beaman's DVD on thyroid health (highly recommend it) and she was talking about that when the head (6th chakra) and the heart (4th chakra) are in conflict, it often manifests itself in the thyroid (5th chakra). My head & my heart have been waging a huge shouting match for these last 3 years. Both because of a relationship & also because of my job. I know that this is why my body is failing me in this way now--too much inner shouting without outer speaking up--my wants, my needs, my truth. I believe it's a bit of a catch 22--the poor health is making it hard to make changes, but I believe making changes will ultimately improve the health.


The relationship thing is clear--I know what I need to do, but am having a hard time just doing it. But I have struggled to know exactly what it is I want with regard to my job. I could easily say what I DIDN'T want, but deciding what I did want proved trickier. I had some ideas of what I thought I might be good at or interested in, but nothing was sticking or making me jump up & down. For the longest time I've had a real issue putting my finger on what would make me happy in a career & this frustrated me to no end!!! I knew I wanted something not behind a desk, something that I could feel good about doing, and something that encompassed my skills and gifts (those have been equally hard to name). But it wasn't until I allowed myself to dream the impossible dream...to, just for grins, detail what my "ideal" job would look like & more importantly feel like. Not the job duties themselves necessarily, but generally, if I could craft a job scenario, what would I want it to be like.

It wasn't until I posted something on Facebook. I thought I was seeking input from friends about ideas on jobs I maybe hadn't considered before, but what I discovered after hitting "post" was that I actually outlined this ideal, seemingly nonexistent job wish for myself. What I found after doing that, was that it 100% encompassed something I had been quietly toying with for about a year. I held it close & quiet, even as friends poured out ideas in response to my post. As the days passed after this, the vision became clearer and clearer with each day. As much as I tried to find the yeah-but, this idea simply fit each of my criteria without me even knowing it. It solved problems that other ideas could not overcome. The yeah-buts I have for EVERYthing weren't coming up for this. I couldn't believe it...I was scared to believe it, but even more scared not to embrace it.


Dog training--I want to become a dog trainer. There...it's out there. I want to train dogs for a living and I also want to use this to help shelter/rescue dogs to ensure they get a better living. This is what I want to do...I FINALLY f*cking know & it is such a huge weight off my heart. I have a plan. I have a dream. I have a direction. At 39 years old, I finally finally finally know what I want to be when I grow up. And you know what, for the first time in my life I am not going to let myself get in the way of achieving it. Now that's not to say I don't still want to do art or write or take photographs or any other of the 999 creative things that float through my head on a daily basis as want-to-do's, and I hope that what I'm envisioning for myself as a dog trainer will allow me the room to pursue my creative passions in addition to my career passion.


So here's to year 39...it's been a long journey getting here & I look forward so forward to the journey towards 40. Let Plan B begin!!!

xoxo!

(PS: I would change the name of the blog, but I don't know how without jacking up the URL because I'm not very HTML/blog savvy, so if anyone reads this & has some advice, lay it on me!)

take me to...funky town

I'm all over the place right now...yet stuck in the same place...if that makes any sense.

I had a good weekend--well half of it. Saturday I had a lovely, busy, productive, social day. Met dad & crew for breakfast at 59 Diner, went out to a baby shower for a girlfriend, wandered around in search of fabric for my couch-cushion-recovering-project (found some, will share in a separate post once I have pics), hit the Park for a powerwalk in the glorious spring sunshine, and spontaneously went to a neighborhood art show I found out about while walking my dog. I can honestly say that I went to bed Saturday night feeling like a real person who just lived a real day...and man did it feel GOOD!

Sunday started out similarly--hit 2 grocery stores (the regular one & the Whole Foods one), then made a side trip to the art store (cause I like to pretend I'm not broke & that I really NEED this&that in order to make some art today, but truthfully I already have some of this&that that I bought on another rogue art store trip that I have yet to use for anything art-related).

But then I got home from all of that, already feeling a bit run-down-ish. And what did I do? I ate something sh*tty that, guess what, made me feel totally sh*tty, and then had to lay down & attempt to nap my lethargic self for the rest of the equally glorious spring day--accomplishing NOTHING (not art, not housework, not fun outdoor stuff, not exercise, not online stuff, not writing, not socializing...nothing). I went to bed that night feeling fatigued, bloated, disappointed, angry, and unhappy that tomorrow was Monday again & yet another weekend passed me by without any artwork or any other work to get me closer to my goals.

And today was a total Monday indeed, if I may add. It started highly aggitated & irritable & frustrated & groggy. Somehow I managed to blob myself into work & then to lunch with friends (which helped lighten my mood--thank you ladies). I also ran across a video from this wonderful lady's site that had me blubbering in my cube most of the morning (I can't figure out how to embed the video either, but if you go to the previous link, she'll point the way).

Oh, did I mention I'm also PMSy?! BUT the blubbering was not all for naught. It's reminding me where my heart truly lies...animals & dogs in particular. And so during my luncheon, one girlfriend mentioned a local rescue group that I might be interested in...so I emailed them about volunteer opportunties & am awaiting further info. As a resulte, I've also been looking into dog training education, as this is something that has flitted through my mind a time or two over the last 10 or so years.

Another fleeting, random idea of mine? Dunno, but I'm going to follow it as long as it sticks around & til I have a better sense of yes or no!

xoxo!

PS: in talking w/ my dad this weekend, I've found out the Austin/grandmother house isn't doable right now--they've done some work to it & fixed it up & put it back on the market in another attempt to sell it, which is their preferred route. This is good for them financially of course, and I suppose a sign that my previous thoughts/plan to try to assume it was not the right one.

austin fever

I've got Austin fever again. In the process of starting Mondo Beyondo, I've been having more visions of a particular house/situation I blogged about last year. The situation is such that my family risks losing this house because 1) they cannot sell it, and 2) my grandmother cannot afford to hang onto it. At the moment, it is still unresolved...but looking likely to have an unnecessarily sad ending. Also, just this week, I was reminded of the future of my current job--a soon-to-be open-floorplan-layout which means no privacy or boredom security (i.e. 9-5 internet surfing).

The thing is, it's not so much the house I want...it's a bigger house than I need & I'm not too keen on the responsibility of owning/maintaining a house, especially all by myself. It's out a little ways, so I'd be a teeny bit isolated. And while the price I could pay to save it is a ridiculously low amount for what I'll be getting, I still don't personally have that kind of money just lying around & I'm concerned whether I could afford it on an Austin salary, because I'd have to take a huge cut in pay to move there & that's assuming I could even find a job there to begin with.

BUT it represents something that rings true for me on a less practical level...when I evision it & quiet the nay-saying-gremlins, I am reminded of a secret little dream I allowed myself to dream just before I half-heartedly left Austin to move to Houston. Funnily, I do have some reservations about leaving Houston, but really, there is absolutely nothing holding me here.

The dream involves living simply, closer to nature, with room & time & space to create a nurturing and artistic environment for myself. And with the inclusion of a pre-built workshop next to the house, a space to create a nurturing and artistic environment for others as well. I don't know how to explain it...if I think about it purely (again without the doubting thoughts), it just feels right to me on almost every level...it feels like home for my heart.

Surely because of that, I can come up with the money somehow, as well as the gameplan to make it work too! Yet I'm uncertain & unsure...but as I'm learning in Mondo Beyondo this week, baby steps are all that's necessary & the rest will unfold as it should, if it should.

xoxo!

i'm not mistaken

me at Caernarfon Castle, 2009

I read this line today from writer Ann Lamott:
You have to make mistakes to find out who you aren't. You take the action, the insight follows: you don't think your way into becoming yourself.

I've made some mistakes in my life...oh boy, have I. But who hasn't, right? And for some reason I have chosen to berate myself about yet another bad choice made rather than seeing it as "okay, I can check that off the list."

Often I have cursed my decision to move to Houston from Austin 8 years ago...I have blamed alot on that "mistake." But the truth is, yes some not great things have transpired here & I suffered one of the greatest betrayls/heartbreaks of my life followed by a few others & one disappointing abandonment and some other shitty little happenings. BUT also alot of really great things have happened that wouldn't have otherwise.

I wouldn't have had the need to learn to travel alone (thus never going to St. Thomas and DC and Costa Rica and UK to finally meet my penpal of 20 yrs) or been forced to find an outlet for my abundance of alone time, which means I probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to be mentored, hands-on, in metal work & most likely wouldn't have subsequently found my art, had an art show and connected with some great artists online. I wouldn't have met some of the wonderful souls who've made living in Houston doble......and I could go on & on. But the point is, had I not made the "mistake" of moving to Houston, I don't know what experiences I would have missed out on.

So the truth is, I learn more about myself when I try something, anything than when I sit back wondering (i.e. overanalyzing) what I should/shouldn't try next.

Must keep remembering this when the "what-if" gremlins start doing their dance...and put in Sliding Doors for an afternoon watch!

xoxo!

doing your dream

write out loud, assemblage by me

I've been talking alot about dreams lately...and not the in-your-sleep, what-the-hell-was-that-about kind, but rather the wide-awake-in-your-authentic-self kind. I guess it's because not only am I actively attempting to tap into the power of intention--putting in out there so that it manifests for you--but also trying to wrap myself around what exactly it is that I want to be/do with my life.

I've been feeling a growing sense of it all passing me by lately. I don't know if it's from my CFS making me feel so damn useless or the fact that I'm creeping ever so close to 40 or the fact that I've chosen not to have children. But I'm restless...and searching for whatever it is that will settle this feeling of not living up to my potential.

There are certain things that I secretly wish I could be/do, but that I not-so-secretly know I won't likely invest in making them happen. Like becoming a professional dancer (ballroom would be awesome, but just being able to move beautifully in any capacity would be great). Or speaking mulitple languages fluently (French, German, Spanish would be enough). Or chucking it all to be a do-gooder in foreign lands.

But beyond the list of truly (for me) pie in the sky pretend wants, there are a whole slew of could-be-possible-if-I-could-just-figure-IT-outs. And by IT I mean the one (1) (singular) thing that is doable, and that I'm in love with enough to bust my ass at it, and that can earn me a living all at the same time. And I'm okay if it's not 1, singular thing...maybe it's a tightly knit combination of 2-3 things...but I want it to an obvious grouping, not baker/furniture maker/artist/dog trainer/writer.

And dammit, I'm going to keep rambling about it til I figure it out.

xoxo!

to dream the impossible dream

pearls of wisdom, assemblage by me

One thing I've been noticing is that when I read other people's dreams or goals or wishlists online, I always think "how cool" and "right on--go for it" and "what an amesome idea." I never think "how stupid...good luck with that...whatever sister...dream on."

Now keep in mind, I don't know these people personally, but when I read their goals or dreams, whether it's to own a house in 5 years, design for [fill in the blank of some giant store or magazine], move cross-country/internationally, leave their high-paying coporate job, launch a new line of products, open a store or whatever the myriad of wonderful, creative ideas that people have, I always think it sounds so doable...for them.

Yet I can see, from my own experience & from how I hear other people blushingly reveal their own, that we often times don't come to our own dreams the same way. Many of these folks hesitantly reveal their dreams, nervous to put it out there for fear of scrutiny or looking foolish maybe or seeming too full of themself. Because I guess, so often times, what we hear in our own heads around our dreams are the "yeah whatevers" instead of the "go for it's." But to the unbiased outside observer, the dreams sound tangible & real & possible & attainable.

So maybe we, and I really mean I here, need to look at our dreams like an unbiased observer...believing it's doable from the get-go. Because why shouldn't it be?!

xoxo!

who, what, when, where am I???

self-explanatory, London 2009 (by me)

I've got so much I want to do, so many ideas, desires, interests. Now that I've gotten my 8-9 pieces squared away for the art show next weekend (is that even enough pieces I keep asking?), I can feel other urges vying for my attention. I saw a notice of an online writing course I've been wanting to take, which starts in January. Trouble is, I was already eyeing a sort of self-improvement course during that same time that I was hoping to take as well. Nothing says I can't do them simultaneously, but something is saying I'm better when I can focus on one thing at a time.

The assemblage work has been consuming my extra attention latley. But then of course, there are the 2 cameras I ordered that I'm still waiting to get delivered that have been gnawing at my interest from an anticipated distance as well. Each time I get an idea or a wiff of an interest, I feel that's the right one at the time. So when I read about the writing course, my nerves perked up. In fact, I stirred in bed all night half dreaming about writing, interested, excited, as if it was a reminder that that's still brewing below the surface too.

I feel a bit pulled, torn almost--what to focus on when. In addition to the things on my so-called plate like the assemblage & writing (as imaginary as it might be at times), there's also the pending to-do's: the jewelry, the photography, the knitting/sewing/felting, languages, yoga, metal, glass, collage, furniture, 1001 diy's & 515 books & magazines & websites on any/none of the above....I mean, ask me what I'm most interested in & it could vary with the day of the week.

Makes me feel a bit schizophrenic, especially on top of: the day job, the housework, the disorganization, the exercising and health seeking, the friendshipping, the dog walking, errand running, bill paying, and pay day praying. Oh and wait, and what about that thing I hear stories about called dating...right, how could I forget about the loneliness & isolation & desocialization now firmly planted in the leftover crevices of my life?

Breathe...Trust...Let go.

xoxo!

hatching a plan

So things are heating up during take 38 of my life of creativity...I feel like I've put it out there & already the Universe is rising up to meet me.

First off, a friend approached me about participating in an art show. I was dumbfounded when she approached me about it. I stopped by her place unplanned one day (with a last minute invite of course), and while we were talking she asked me if I thought it was a good idea & if she did it, would I want to be in it. Heck yeah times two, I said. I felt like it was an answer to my silent question of "what am I going to do w/ all these things I make...besides give them away to friends?" Boom...question answered...for the time being anyway. And who knows, maybe it will open the door for additional shows to follow. More to come on that.

Secondly, I had not one, but two major AH HA/EUREKA/BY GEORGE moments. The first one was after a brainstorming session I had with a trusted advisor. I was rambling through all my seemingly disconnected interests/career paths. It wasn't actually during this brainstorming session that I had the light bulb moment, but maybe 10 minutes later when I was by myself driving home from this conversation. It hit me how I could combine a couple of my top interests into one career path that I could potentially support myself financially with as well. It just gelled...together...like magic...in my mind.

So for the next week+ I mulled it over & it kept seeming consistently doable...not like some ideas where the "yeah buts" come around as fast as the initial thought. I finally said it outload to someone, and I don't know if that made it more real or what, but the very next morning while I was having coffee, a lightening flash broke through the morning mind haze & I thought "why in the hell didn't I think of that before?" The second thought was where/how to pull it together. While it hadn't been a "yeah but," I did have concerns about the "where/how"...where to house this new path idea and really, how to fund it.

Not sure if it was good coffee or divine intervention, but that morning I suddenly realized I potentially had access to a physical resource sitting unused within my own family. I made a call to see if it was an option & wasn't met with resistance or even hesitation, but rather with a positive response along the lines of "let me run it up the flag pole and see what we can put together." Sounds like the cost would be but a minute fraction of what they're offering it to others...the where/how was feeling better & better. Because it would also relocate me back to my hometown of Austin (which would just be a little cherry on top)!

I'm still waiting to see what the flag pole has to say, and it could come back differently than it started, but right now it feels promising & is giving me the motivation to keep moving forward regardless of whether I have to rethink the where & how. Feels pretty good right about now.
xoxo