The above pic has nothing to do with today's post (not like all the pictures ever do anyway), but it just so happened I got my new Holga (even though I said earlier I had a crush on her) & my first-ever specs on the same day this week.
What's really on my mind is momentum--or lack thereof at the moment. I've been preparing for my first art show coming up this Sunday (today is Tuesday eve) & I still have some last-minute finishing touches to put on 2 pieces. I'm having a REALLY hard time using my time towards finishing them. Over the last month, since I found out about this show, I've been busting my butt to finalize many pieces that have sat stagnant for the better part of this past year, so they'll be ready for the show. I have made some brand new ones in that time as well. But I'm feeling tapped out, I guess...just before the finish line.
This happened to me during college too. My very last semester of my senior year, I was so sick & tired of writing, but during those final months before graduation, I had one more written piece due every day it seemed. I mean there's alot of writing in college, but getting my degree IN writing, meant that was just about all I did that last year. I was so burnt out on writing, that I acutally started turning in pieces about how sick I was of writing. By the time graduation came & I got a 9-5 paying job behind a desk in an office building, I told everyone who would listen that if I never had to write creatively again, I'd be fine. (I didn't dare consider market studies and sales proposals creative). Yet today, I wish I hadn't let so much time go by without making an effort to write. The muscles feel like they've atrophied on me because I've lost touch with so much of what I cultivated during those grueling final years in my writing program.
I'm feeling bits of all that stirring now with my art work. And I don't want to feel that way, but it's the truth (at this very moment anyway). With this being my first art show & me still being relatively new to creating this type of art (barely 2 yrs now), I don't know if this is "normal" to want to pack away the paints and found objects because I'm actually rather sick of looking at all the clutter. Just like I don't know if, for writers, it's similar when they've finished that novel or published that collection of short stories and cannot get far enough away from the laptop or writing notebook or sentence structure.
Do all creatives go through this "if I never have to do this again..." feeling or is it just me trying to convince myself to give up on something else just when I get my momentum going?! I still get new ideas that gnaw at me--for both art concepts & writing pieces. I still got really energiezed when a new piece started to magically unfold in the midst of finalizing all the other half-finished ones. I still get excited to think about taking an erotic writing course at the first of the year. Maybe I just need balance--time for art with writing with photography and with rambling walks and new recipes and friends and whatever else gives me some distance from those callings that I do enjoy but that can be a bit all-consuming if not peppered with breaks and time to get reinspired.
Baby steps...I'm getting it.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I've got so much I want to do, so many ideas, desires, interests. Now that I've gotten my 8-9 pieces squared away for the art show next weekend (is that even enough pieces I keep asking?), I can feel other urges vying for my attention. I saw a notice of an online writing course I've been wanting to take, which starts in January. Trouble is, I was already eyeing a sort of self-improvement course during that same time that I was hoping to take as well. Nothing says I can't do them simultaneously, but something is saying I'm better when I can focus on one thing at a time.
The assemblage work has been consuming my extra attention latley. But then of course, there are the 2 cameras I ordered that I'm still waiting to get delivered that have been gnawing at my interest from an anticipated distance as well. Each time I get an idea or a wiff of an interest, I feel that's the right one at the time. So when I read about the writing course, my nerves perked up. In fact, I stirred in bed all night half dreaming about writing, interested, excited, as if it was a reminder that that's still brewing below the surface too.
I feel a bit pulled, torn almost--what to focus on when. In addition to the things on my so-called plate like the assemblage & writing (as imaginary as it might be at times), there's also the pending to-do's: the jewelry, the photography, the knitting/sewing/felting, languages, yoga, metal, glass, collage, furniture, 1001 diy's & 515 books & magazines & websites on any/none of the above....I mean, ask me what I'm most interested in & it could vary with the day of the week.
Makes me feel a bit schizophrenic, especially on top of: the day job, the housework, the disorganization, the exercising and health seeking, the friendshipping, the dog walking, errand running, bill paying, and pay day praying. Oh and wait, and what about that thing I hear stories about called dating...right, how could I forget about the loneliness & isolation & desocialization now firmly planted in the leftover crevices of my life?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
OK, I feel like I've been a bit negative on here lately & that's something I want to do my best to stay away from. I don't want this to be a forum for bitching or moaning or grumbling--that forum is already 24/7/365 in my brain. Truth is I tend toward the glass-is-half-empty perspective of life & it's something I'm definitely working to get.away.from in my everyday & definitely on this blog & as part of my year of living creatively. I'm not just hard on myself--I can be downright brutual with myself--when people get a glimpse at this they are actually shocked at how ugly & pervasive it really is.
This creative journey is about silencing the negative reel-to-reel that is on perpetual loop in my brain (if that's even possible with an old school reel-to-reel player, but you get the idea) and instead giving space & permission for the positive messages that I want to re-record in there.
I am nervous about measuring up to the other artists at the show next Sunday, but I too have a right to be there & have my worked honored. I do wish my life was more in line with my daydreams, but my life is still good as it is and I'm grateful to be where I am in my journey. I do feel a bit lost & random & restless most of the time, but thru it, I am searching & seeking & learning & growing and how wonderful is that in & of itself?
So I want to be more gentle....with myself, with my process, and with my dreams.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
of Life's Harvests, Spirits, and Saints
1 November 2009
3:00 to 7:00
3117 White Oak
A Gathering Of Photography, Painting,
Sculpture, and Assemblage By
Bert Long, Daniel Schnorr, Christy Karll Mcwhorter,
George Craig, Katherine Tucker, and Tom Kilty
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I was relaying a daydream to a girlfriend today & she said "the change in weather always makes me romanticize things." I must romanticize all the time...the daydream I was having was specific, but not unusual for me. I dream of a different life on many levels & while I'm sure we all do, I think I internalize it beyond the romance stage & expect that it should be as I dream it in my head. The trouble is that I think I berate myself a bit for not making it so.
The daydream today was this: I'm outfitted in my favorite pea coat with a bright knitted scarf & fun fingerless gloves. Walking around Bridge North or Bath England on a crisp morning, cameras in tote, I spend the morning snapping pics of interesting architecture, gardens, and quirky people along the way. I stop at an outdoor cafe to have some hot tea and a cigarette and take my laptop out to jot down a tale that I will later send out for publication. From there I return to my cute, light & airy flat to prepare some packages for shipping from my online art shop & then rustle up a spicey stew & mashed tatties while I wait for my cute & charming British boyfriend Nigel/Ian/Malcolm to come over for dinner. We sit on the couch, under a shared blanket, to watch trashy East Enders telly and talk about our days.
door in Bridge North, England, by me 2009
love the circular glass cutouts they had everywhere
It doesn't sound sooooo unrealistic, does it? Not so unachievable in the grand scheme of life. It's not like I've got myself living in some massive French chateu or spending the day doing something extravagant and deluxe or jetting here, there & yon. My daydreams are always so doable that I tend to get subconsiously mad at myself for not doing it. And then I wonder: am I dreaming my dream or romanticizing myself out of my life?!
Monday, October 19, 2009
I love my Notes from The Universe.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I'm very restless inside my skin, in my bones, my brain. Thoughts fly in and inhabit my body, masking as inspiration and clever ideas while they needle and agitate me. I don't entirely know where I am, who I'm supposed to be, what I should be doing. I often hear someone else's wishes and wish they would be mine too. "Is that what I really want too," I wonder. "Is that someone I can be?" The dreams others are making real become what I see at night, masquereding as my own dreams while I sleep.
For as long as I can remember, I have felt lost, unsure, unknowing. Forever I have felt like a seeker, trying to determine where it is I belong & what it is I'm meant to be doing. Right now I feel like an animation I once saw although I can't remember where or when. It was of a figure pushing and straining beneath a rubber encasement, fighting to penetrate its way out. That is me right now--fidgety, uncomfortable and restless. I want out, I want to be free, but the rubber barrier is not giving way yet. It is as if with every push against my confinement, I am grasping for "the thing" that will set me free. "There she goes again," I imagine them saying, "trying her hand at yet one more thing (that she'll surely give up on)." But I am desperately trying to find my thing--that thing where I will I feel that I am where I'm truly meant to be, doing my soul's work, being the best me.
But I am tired of straining, pushing, grasping. I'm frustrated at myself & my life & my failed attempts of hide & seek. When is giving up, giving up & when is it surrendering to what is? They say surrender is the surest way to contentment. Perhaps I need to stop trying so damn hard to find myself, my calling, my thing. And just do life--so that the reaching & the trying no longer feel like struggling, but simply experiencing.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I feel like I have a story to tell. But maybe it's not the erotic anthology I think it should be. Or even the Great American Novel that everyone assumes it would be. Maybe it's not even to be told in words. I don't know entirely...not yet anyway.
The chatter in my head seems to want me to hear something. The louder it gets, the harder it is to keep inside, to keep quiet. It is with me always, no matter what I try to do to escape it. Even when I am making art, I cannot detach enough to avoid the incessant noise. Not even when I try to drown it out with laborious sweat or nature's soft sounds. The only time it feels quiet, the only time I feel present, is when I'm writing. It's something I don't do nearly enough and therefore rarely find that quiet peace of being fully here & now.
Maybe, just maybe, through writing it down--the chatter, the noise, the conflict, the rage--I can begin to hear myself again. The words. The story. What needs to be told.
Friday, October 2, 2009
The reason for the move back to Austin really is solely based on an opportunity to buy a family house for a VERY good price, which just so happens to include a large workshop/studio space (and sentimentally one that my grandfather built many years before he died). In fact, he built it for my grandmother to house her doll-making supplies, and then later for her to hold her doll classes. In a sense, I feel that I will be honoring the original intent of the space by bringing my art and eventually my own classes into it.
When I think about that aspect...and only that aspect...my heart leaps & I feel happy & inspired & insync. I have been putting out the energy to have a larger workspace & then once I nailed down my desire to combine my art with my wants to teach and help people empower themselves, the long-available house called to me out of the blue one morning as being the perfect space to make it happen.
Where I'm finding the resistance is in the logistics: the what-if's and but-how's about relocating in this economy & to a town that is notorious for low pay (both of which are the reasons I originally had to leave). How can I commit to one of the biggest financial commitments, home ownership, even for a super great price on this house a) without knowing I'll have a solid income to support it, b) with few any-kind-of-jobs even available right now, and c) without anything already saved as a cushion? Then I ask "what am I going to do with that big house...all by myself...when I can barely keep up with the little house I rent now where I can call the landlord for emergency repairs?"
But probably biggest & most frustrating (and hardest to actually admit) is knowing that leaving this city will mean saying goodbye & letting forever go of the (however faint) potential for a future with J. Mind you, it's been a future-in-waiting for about 2 yrs now & it's been a rocky & confusing wait, but I guess inspite of all of that, something somewhere (my heart) and for some reason (love) inside me has still been holding a wee shred of hope for a reunion and our happily-ever-after...which moving seems like it would require letting go of completely. Perhaps that's what scares & pains me the most--it's what stirs the most panic & what makes me want to just stay & find a way to make it all work here instead.
Now why would I trade building a future rooted in my passion & of my own creation for something that has been dangling flimsily from a thread of uncertainty for 2 years now? I wish I knew. The truth is, I could build the artistic future here or there...there really are parallel pros & cons to getting it going in either city................
Ugh, this post is pissing me off. And I could wait & not post it like this, but I want a chronicle of the frustration, so I think I will leave it at that for now & post as is & come back w/ a fresher perspective...I'm too close at the moment.