Sunday, October 31, 2010

don't write

I have had this poem printed out for some time, the contents of it waft through my brain from time to time when I haven't been writing. Today I pulled it out from among the piles of other things that periodically also waft through my brain, so that I can tack it up in my writing space as my guide through November.

Don't Write, by Jenn Lee from her sold-out Don't Write: A Reluctant Journal:

Don't write.
It's too powerful.
It might tell someone how you feel.
How you hurt.
What you don't understand.
Don't write.
It's too powerful.
It will show who you are on the inside to the outside.
It'll blow your cover, your nice reputation.
Don't write.
It's too powerful.
You might hurt someone's feelings.
People may not like your words.
They may attack you, or abandon you.
Don't write.
It's too powerful.
It might give others hope.
Let them know they're not alone.
It might change minds.
Change directions.
Change the world.
So, whatever you do,
don't write.

Thank you Jenn Lee....

Thursday, October 28, 2010

it's official

Okay, it's official--I'm totally mad (like crazy, loony, lost it). I am a (completely naive) participant for NaNoWriMo 2010. Let the writing begin. I'm not totally sure how much I will divulge about my writing process here--I thought about creating a different blog for that, but really I doubt I'll have the time to post much during the month of November anyway. So what I do blog about it, will be here & limited.

Since I still have like 3 days to really start writing, I thought I'd flesh out some things that have been on my mind. One of the main ones being a pen name. Due to the nature of the type of writing I'm most interested in, I have always thought I'd write it under a pen name (you know, if I ever got around to writing it to a larger audience).

I thought I should do this to 1) protect myself from undue discrimination by whomever my current employer might happen to be, 2) maybe to protect myself from pervy folks who might seek me out, or 3) to keep separate creativities separate (art, writing, photography, etc). And while I often romanticised the idea of crafting some cool new name, the thought of not writing completely as ME has never sat very well with me. Plus the notion of having to keep my writing separate from other aspects of my life (whether real life or online life) seemed like such a hassle & one that I often use an excuse from diving headfirst into my writing or engaging in more online writing group opportunities.

The bottom lines is that if I'm ever lucky enough to get published, I would be 100% proud to say "that's mine...that's mine...that's mine" rather than having to keep it a secret or have to convince someone "by the way, I wrote really, I write under that pen name...this is MY book." So basically as an official participant of NaNoWriMo, it's time to just embrace it all. I have wanted to write erotic stories since a conversation I had with a girlfriend in a pub one evening about 12 years ago & I have drug my feet on it ever since. November 2010 is the point at which that changes...for me in all my glory!


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

giant leaps

I might be crazy, naive or just smoking crack, but I'm seriously considering hopping on the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) bandwagon this year. It starts Nov 1, so I have 6 days to either talk myself out of it or create a damn logline & get organized. It will get #6 crossed off the list, so that's something, right?! :)

Plus, if I donate to a LGBT or gender rights charity, I can get access to some NaNoWriMo tips/insight from the lovely & talented Shanna Germain as I crawl through the month of Nov, so that's something awesomely win/win, right? Plus I've already had a FCKH8 t-shirt sitting in my shopping cart for several days already, waiting for payday this week (and for me to decide on the logo shirt or the dudes marry dudes shirt)!

Stay tuned...


Saturday, October 23, 2010

baby steps

Along the lines of my last post about "enoughness," I realized this mindset of perfectionism stops me in my tracks far too often. Take photography for example, often times I do not get out to snap pictures because I struggle with "what kind of photos do I want to take?" Do I take the Holga, the Polaroid, or the a digital (which is on me always). Many times I won't stop to take that picture because I don't have "the right" camera on me or because I'm not sure how to get what I want from the camera I do have on me.
Now, I'm not a Photographer with a capital P. I took photography in high school (I learned to roll, process & print my own film), I had some photographer friends in college (who were into groovy "art photography" and who introduced me to the photography of people like Robert Maplethorpe & Sally Mann), and even took a basic photo 101 class to fulfill an art credit here or there (learned rules of composition & very little else due to intimidation). And that was that...until now, until I saw everyday people taking extraordinary photos of common everyday things, during their everyday lives. And I thought--I want to do that. I see things. I want to capture those things. I will do it through a camera.

And then things start to get all complicated (unnecessarily so) do I make photos that look like that, cameras--how many different ones will I buy, I must find "cool" things to shoot now, why don't mine look like hers/his...etc. And guess what--the pleasure of simply capturing the everyday started to slowly slip out of it, like the air of post-birthday balloon, the fun factor began deflating.

Don't get me wrong...I LOVE with a capital L the various effects taking photos (especially with film) with various types of cameras can produce. I bought a Holga about a year ago & have been snapping away, yet to get any of the film processed because damn is it complicated & expensive. I have gone a couple of rounds with various Polaroids (a bum SX-70 & a champ of a 600 & a yet tried Sonar). My English BFF even sent me a found Kodak Duaflex from his father's attic, which sits proudly on my shelf. And now an old Minolta 35 mm that a friend gave me of her grandfather's which has probably never been used. But as with most things, the more choices, the harder the decision.

So this is a long way of saying that I decided just to pop out my little snap & shoot digital camera & take it on my evening dog walk. The same dog walk that day-after-day finds me saying "oh, I wish I had my camera" and "oh I HAVE GOT to remember to bring Holga/Pola/Minnie (although this chick is maxie) back to shoot this." I won't say I took THE MOST stellar photos, but I took some damn photos & that is my damn point.
It's about baby steps...about just doing it to do it, not to take the nobel peace prize winning photo (not sure if they even give prizes for that) or the most blogged about photo or the gallery-worthy photo. Just to look at life through the lense and push the button just because. The same will go for my art, my writing, and whatever else I decide I want to put my grubby little hands into & play with. As my health feels like it's improving (fingers crossed, knock on wood, religious chest cross) & I'm actually finding myself creativity capable of doing, this is how I shall unintentional step at a time.


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

i get it already

A chap called Landon commented on a post the other day: "quit kicking yourself, girl." Now mind you, Landon doesn't know me nor do I know him. Nor does he know how many times in my life I have heard this or something along the lines of this.
Honestly I don't know where this self-berating comes from (notice how closely the words "berating" and "beating" are--just add/remove an "R"). The thing is, 99.9% of the time I don't even know I'm doing it & even have a hard time recognizing it after someone points it out.

It's weird too because I think I'm a great gal. I think I have alot going for me: I'm smart, fairly attractive, talented, hip, funny, loyal, introspective, adventurous, empathetic, good at several things, knowlegable about a few things, interested in even more things, etc, etc. I guess the problem lies that somewhere deep down, perhaps I don't think I'm each of those things enough. That's all I can gather as to why I'm so fucking hard on myself when there really is no reason why I ought to be. I am also equally adept at the back-handed self-compliment or deflector of the external compliment. Someone compliments me on something, say my art, and instead of thank you, I come back with "well, I haven't made any in awhile" as if somehow that's supposed to negate what I have in fact already done...?
What is this about? Why do I cut myself off before I can own the good of me? I could go into a kazzilion & one reasons why this might be, but what's the point in that? Why not just name it & then stop doing it instead? So this is what I shall focus on...naming the good, claiming the successes, and leaving it at that without the backhanded bullshit. Yes indeedy!


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

time flies

a beachhouse in OBX...taken 2005

I was reviewing & updating my 2010 Goals List & realizing alot of it's not going to happen, but also realizing that much of it I'm going to consider that a win/win given the fact that this year has still been a struggle health-wise, but it's finally feeling like it's steadily getting better for a change (knock on wood).

At this stage in the year--2.5 months to go before 2010 officially ends--there are just some things that are not going to happen. Namely things that will require travel (California & UK). Some things are probably not going to happen (like opening an Etsy store or submitting a short story for publication...or even having sex somewhere new); however, they might happen & I'm leaving the window open for that. And then there are a few things (like buying new Fiestaware, making ornaments, and/or seeing 2 more live shows) that could easily happen if I just get it in gear. I will focus on some of these & hope to cross more off the list before this year fades away.

Stay tuned...I know I will be.


Wednesday, October 6, 2010


I'm not sure why I'm keeping this blog anymore...I'm not often inspired to write here very often, I don't feel I have much to say (aside from complaining about health stuff & the lack of creativity that ensues).

And speaking of that lack of creativity...I feel the desire to do so (both art & writing..and even photography), but I just am not doing any of it. Again I can blame it on the health woes (just feeling blah, no energy--not so sure the thyroid treatment itself is doing the trick) or on my studies for the dog training, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm just not creating...even when I do have time. And it's pissing me off...and frustrating me...and getting me a bit down lately.

That is all...


Friday, October 1, 2010

the perfect protest

Ugh, perfection...what a load of horseshit, eh? But we buy into it...over & over & over again. It keeps us stuck in that belief rut of not-enough-ness...not ______ enough (fill in the blank with whatever: smart, skinny, pretty, successful, sexy, lovable, funny, hardworking, tough, gentle, serious, silly, tall, curvy, athletic, graceful....blah blah blah, the list is never-ending)!

Enough with the not-enough-ness. Enough with this lie of perfection. Thanks to Brene Brown's call to action with "the perfect protest" and her new book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are maybe we can all learn to relearn what it means to be real. And that is an awesome truth if you ask me.

And you know what else is awesome...I know what I'm buying EVERYONE for Christmas this year! :)