the fog is lifting

taken on day 84 of my 365 self portrait challenge

Whew, I finally feel myself coming back [knock on wood]. I was losing hope there for awhile, and with that hope pieces of myself....my spark, creativity, joy, expectations.

But it's bubbling again. The creativity, the desire, the gumption to pursue good things. I almost hesitate to hope even still, fearing it will be like other times when I see a glimmer only to fade back into a dark fog. But for now atleast, I see glints of light again & they shine down into a hope I steadily carry through this CFS maze of unwellness & frustration.

The biggest change I feel is my creative flow coming back...the desire to write again, to make art, to take photographs, and express myself in any way I can. And in trying to decide where to put my energy again, it makes me realize I'm a "slasher"... you know, actor-slash-director or singer-slash-waitress-slash-dancer-slash-teacher. I've spent alot of my 40 years trying to figure out what to be, when the truth of the matter is, from a very young age, I've been a slasher...a dabbler in many things. I don't know if it's because I get bored easily or if I just have so many thoughts & ideas that one avenue isn't enough or if I don't give myself enough credit to go professional with anything [this last one is probably a huge cavernous thing to explore on its own].

Even though there is a certain serenity that comes from accepting myself as a slasher, one thing that is frustrating about it is never fully knowing where to put your energies. I always feel so pulled by different interests. Like a butterfly flitting from one pretty flower to another oh and look at that pretty purple bloom over there. All the flitting makes it hard to really hone any one craft...to get really good at something. Jack of all trades, master of none if you will. But the fact that I still want to do them all after feeling like doing nothing for so many years now, is inspiring enough for me today. And who says I have to be good at any of them, as long as I enjoy the pursuit of each?

Today I'm okay being a slasher...a part-time artist/wanna be writer/taker of random pictures/dog trainer in training/garden dreamer/linguist/teacher/appreciator of all of the above. To be continued...I sure do hope!

xoxo!

holga in the hizzy

I FINALLY got 3 rolls of film processed from my Holga which I got about a year ago. I have a little bit of experimenting yet to do, but I'm pretty pleased with how the shots turned out--and extra pleased to remember some of the things I shot over the course of a year.

I'll look forward to shooting even more, and hopefully I will get them processed more quickly each time. I have to send them to Precision Camera in Austin (supporting my hometown peeps), and while they have reasonable prices for processing & scanning, it's still a bit of a cost to consider, but such is the way with film. And speaking of looking forward, I'm already thinking about my 2011 goals list...granted 2010 isn't yet complete, but it is trickling away rather quickly. I'm trying to stay present while looking ahead.

Today is the final day of NaNoWriMo & while I didn't hit the 50,000 word mark, I did accumulate 20,000+ words to a novel that I look forward to completing in 2011. Hopefully some time away from it will provide the needed extra inspiration that I'm currently lacking.

Despite having the sniffles, this past weekend I did sit down to make some art. It felt good to get my hands all painty & sticky & my mind churning with visual creativity which is much different than the churning of writing's creativity, so I'll look forward to doing more art making as well in the coming month & into next year.

So onward & upward...was fun to dive into photography alittle more this past year & I'm eager to dive into much more of everything going forward.

xoxo!

burned out

NaNoWriMo has got me by the balls. I have hit a serious & very high & thick wall. I reached 20K words, but no more are coming. I'm lacking inspiration. I'm lacking direction. I'm distracted (see previous post about George, plus I've had a majorly huge dog training test looming over me).

I'm just stuck, which has me feeling totally (and unnecessarily) stressed out. Bottom line: I don't think I'm going to hit my 50K by end of the month & that totally sucks because I feel, just by saying that, I've officially given up. I mean, there's just NO WAY I'm going to whip out 30,000 words over the next 7 days...just NO BLOODY WAY. And I'm accepting that...slowly but surely.

I mean 20,000 words is still more than I've EVER written in my entire life...well not entire, collective life (which makes me wonder--how many words collectively have I written during my 39.5 years on earth? but that's another post), but it IS the most I've written for a particular writing assignment. So I guess I should be proud of that--and I am. And the novel isn't dead--I still want to see it through--it's just obviously not going to be born via NaNoWriMo 2010!

I'm definitely bummed & feeling uber defeated. But you know what? I don't feel stressed out anymore & that's a nice little weight off my shoulders!

xoxo!

lost & found

My dog Eadie & I found this little guy on our walk after work yeterday. He was friendly as can be, had a collar, but no tags. He & Eadie got along great (which is unusual considering Eadie's not much of a dog's dog), and he gladly followed us home.

I'm trying to find his people (sent out an alert via my neighborhood Yahoo newsgroup, posted on Petfinder.com, will take to the vet this afternoon to see if he's micro-chipped & will hang flyers around the hood this weekend) because if this were my sweet girl, I would want someone to do all the things I'm doing to reunite us. But I have to admit, he's already stealing my heart. I named him George--bad idea, I know, but he's just so dern cute & rather good. So I know he must be someone's pooch, I just worry given his condition that he's either not been as well cared for as I believe a dog should be or he's been roaming on his own for some time now.

I've never seen him anywhere in my neighborhood--and I spend alot of time out walking my dog or taking pictures--I've never seen him in a yard or being walked by someone or anything. A neighbor said she'd seen him earlier yesterday morning, so it's not like he'd just been out for a few minutes last night before we found him--he'd been wandering & no telling for how long.

Poor thing is itchy & dirty & stinky--but so so sweet. I've since learned Westies are prone to skin infections--he definitley has something more than just "the elements" irritating him. So when I go for the micro-chip, I'll get the vet to take a look and give me some tips on addressing it. It's one of those things that you don't want to go overboard & spend tons of money on a dog that you may have to turn back over tomorrow (and it's easy to spend too much at the vet on any given day), but he's uncomfortable, so I've atleast gotta help him with that. (was a restless night sleep last night, let me tell you). I'll figure out the rest as we go.

I will continue to try to find his peeps...and hope that if I do, they deserve to get him back.

PS: the NaNo writing hasn't been going well this week (i.e. aside from Monday, it's not been going at all unfortunately), BUT the weekend is upon me & I have high hopes I can crank alot out this weekend--I only need 17K to get caught up...so you know, no pressure or anything (especially when I'll have this cutie patootie running around being ahh-dorable!)

plugging along

Haven't written here much since starting NaNoWriMo...because I'm writing over there. I'm still behind my daily/weekly word count goals, but I AM WRITING and that's good enough for me at this point. I had hoped to atleast break 20K by this weekend's end (even though that's still about 5K behind where I should be to hit the 50K mark by month's end). And while I'm only 2,000 words away from my less-than goal this weekend, I think I'm tapped out & need to alittle nothing time before the work week starts all over again.

I did pick up some speed this past week, so I hope I can piggy back off of that this coming week, and finish a bit stronger by the end of next weekend. The story is unfolding nicely, some snags here & there as to how I thought it was going to go (and I'm pretty sure I need to completely re-do my beginning).

And I really have no concrete idea where I'm going from page to page, but I'm finding that the story is letting itself be told without too much manipulation on my part (well you know except for the typing & retyping). I'm finding each scene just sort of leads to the next scene, and the characters I created appear when they need to & some new ones pop up out of nowhere.

I am having more fun with it too (meeting my characters is the part I get most chuffed about), plus I'm getting better at not back-editing each time I sit down. I keep reminding myself "yes it is crap, who cares, just get the ideas & the words down." I will confess, I am an obsessive "recount" hitter in Word--it's both motivating and distracting, so I will work on not hitting that button with every pause I take. Otherwise, full steam ahead...

xoxo!

set-back

It may sound obvious, but this novel thing is H-A-R-D! I mean, I knew it would be, but I guess unless you've done it before, you don't know the exact ways it will prove toughest.

For me, I think it's proving tricky in the following ways:

• I'm doing too much rewrite as I write (for every 2 words I write, I feel like I rewrite them each 4 times--time waster!)
• I'm not totally sure how solid my story is (and I find myself distracted in research in the middle of a paragraph--time destroyer!)
• And probably because of the lack of solidity, I'm having trouble understanding my characters (although I did just discover an unplanned character & I'm quite smitten with him, but it's making rethink the first 2K words & one of the main characters that lives in them...and who is sort of the catalyst for my main character's decisions--time annihilator!)

My goal by Sunday eve was 12,500 words...I have less than 1/2 of that at barely over 5K. Listen closely--can you hear it--my tears of defeat dripping down onto the keyboard? Yeah I can't hear it either because I'm not crying, but I am pissed because I spent ALOT of time writing this weekend, and yet, I have very little to show for it. On the page anyway. I guess the biggest part is the learning & hopefully that will show up on the page as I continue.

Because I'm not going to let my word count set back defeat me. I'm not going to say "well I'm already behind & there's no way I can catch up, so I might as well not even bother with the other 45,000 words," even though I'm not gonna lie, I've thought it. I'm just going to buckle down, aim for daily writing (instead of saving so much up for the weekend like I thought was a good idea last weekend), learn from my mistakes, and hope that the more I write, the more I will write!

xoxo!

break-thru

By day 3 of NaNo (yesterday), I was feeling stressed...okay, I was actually feeling stressed the Sunday night before NaNo officially started...but on day 3, I had only 800 words swirling inside a clumsy opening scene. Needless to say, I was feeling frustrated & DE-flated...who am I to try to write a novel when I haven't even tried writing many short stories. Pounding out a couple thousand words for a short story is tricky enough, but crafting an entire novel...making 50,000 words come together in a way that creates interest & also makes sense, with only 7 days preparation? Yeah, it wasn't looking good for me.

FYI: 50,000 words in 30 days = approximately 1,667 words per day or 12,500 words per week.

I was watching other NaNo writers hit their daily word counts, feeling myself getting further & further behind as I massaged the same 800 words over & over & over. I have to give myself some credit--from the get-go I completely intended to get most of my word count in at the weekends & wasn't going to freak myself out with needing to produce 1,667 words every-single-day (especially when I sit in a cube for 8 hrs of those weekdays). But these 800 words were taunting me & the the more I hoped they'd turn into something that would work, the more they simply refused to play nice. Actually the words were fine (some even good). It was the scene itself that was refusing to be my friend. Bottom line--what I was trying to make into the opening scene, was not in fact the opening scene.

Just as I was having thoughts of throwing in the towel, I had a mini break-thru yesterday at work...yeah, yeah, I know, shhh, don't tell them, okay?! I scribbled the ideas down as they kinda flooded me, cramming as much messy handwriting as I could into my handy dandy pocket novel notebook. I "outlined" the first scene, and then the next 2 scenes, during this break-thru. Nothing flowery, mind you, just basic thoughts "she leaves here...she meets him there...she's nervous, she has a secret...he's nervous, he too has a secret..." that I would use as my guide when I could actualy sit down at the computer later that night from home and flesh it out all literary like!

And by golly it worked. I hammered out 1,200 new words with relative ease last night...granted, they're rough, some even ragged, but they're down on the page & they're working to propel the story & that's about all I can hope for this month.

December can be for the gentle soothing of revision's loving and tender embrace. November is gonna be like sex in a public restroom with a stranger...dirty & fast!

xoxo!

don't write

I have had this poem printed out for some time, the contents of it waft through my brain from time to time when I haven't been writing. Today I pulled it out from among the piles of other things that periodically also waft through my brain, so that I can tack it up in my writing space as my guide through November.

Don't Write, by Jenn Lee from her sold-out Don't Write: A Reluctant Journal:

Don't write.

It's too powerful.

It might tell someone how you feel.

How you hurt.

What you don't understand.

Don't write.

It's too powerful.

It will show who you are on the inside to the outside.

It'll blow your cover, your nice reputation.

Don't write.

It's too powerful.

You might hurt someone's feelings.

People may not like your words.

They may attack you, or abandon you.

Don't write.

It's too powerful.

It might give others hope.

Let them know they're not alone.

It might change minds.

Change directions.

Change the world.

So, whatever you do,

don't write.

Thank you Jenn Lee....
xoxo!

it's official

Okay, it's official--I'm totally mad (like crazy, loony, lost it). I am a (completely naive) participant for NaNoWriMo 2010. Let the writing begin. I'm not totally sure how much I will divulge about my writing process here--I thought about creating a different blog for that, but really I doubt I'll have the time to post much during the month of November anyway. So what I do blog about it, will be here & limited.

Since I still have like 3 days to really start writing, I thought I'd flesh out some things that have been on my mind. One of the main ones being a pen name. Due to the nature of the type of writing I'm most interested in, I have always thought I'd write it under a pen name (you know, if I ever got around to writing it to a larger audience).

I thought I should do this to 1) protect myself from undue discrimination by whomever my current employer might happen to be, 2) maybe to protect myself from pervy folks who might seek me out, or 3) to keep separate creativities separate (art, writing, photography, etc). And while I often romanticised the idea of crafting some cool new name, the thought of not writing completely as ME has never sat very well with me. Plus the notion of having to keep my writing separate from other aspects of my life (whether real life or online life) seemed like such a hassle & one that I often use an excuse from diving headfirst into my writing or engaging in more online writing group opportunities.

The bottom lines is that if I'm ever lucky enough to get published, I would be 100% proud to say "that's mine...that's mine...that's mine" rather than having to keep it a secret or have to convince someone "by the way, I wrote this...no really, I write under that pen name...this is MY book." So basically as an official participant of NaNoWriMo, it's time to just embrace it all. I have wanted to write erotic stories since a conversation I had with a girlfriend in a pub one evening about 12 years ago & I have drug my feet on it ever since. November 2010 is the point at which that changes...for me in all my glory!

xoxo!

giant leaps

I might be crazy, naive or just smoking crack, but I'm seriously considering hopping on the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) bandwagon this year. It starts Nov 1, so I have 6 days to either talk myself out of it or create a damn logline & get organized. It will get #6 crossed off the list, so that's something, right?! :)

Plus, if I donate to a LGBT or gender rights charity, I can get access to some NaNoWriMo tips/insight from the lovely & talented Shanna Germain as I crawl through the month of Nov, so that's something awesomely win/win, right? Plus I've already had a FCKH8 t-shirt sitting in my shopping cart for several days already, waiting for payday this week (and for me to decide on the logo shirt or the dudes marry dudes shirt)!

Stay tuned...

xoxo!

all signs point to....

lighting the way
Originally uploaded by k.tucker artworks

Things have been going surprisingly well lately in my world. And it's all because I'm feeling MUCH better since starting the new med (which I hate saying I'm taking a medication, but whatever, I'm happy with the results & it's giving me my life back).

And that is exactly the thing...I'm getting my life back people! So I don't laze around the house, wanting to do things but not having the energy/mental motivation to do them, I'm actually doing & planning & enjoying! Everything from housework to errands to yardwork to socializing is appealing yet again & I'm kicking some serious ass in the process. I even went for a powerwalk workout at Memorial Park last Sunday...and am psyched to return to a regular exercise routine.

It didn't kick in soon enough to make more of an effort at Unravelling which is unfortunate, but luckily the ladies are still kicking around Flickr, so hopefully they will motivate me to keep taking pictures of myself & my world (pic above is for our "light" challenge). But it did kick in just in time for my writing class which has been going pretty good. I definitely need the weekly assignments & deadlines to keep me on track & am alittle sad that after this weekend, I'll be heading into my final week of class there. But I will just have to self-motivate myself to continue on with the routine of writing...improving...and then submitting things for publication (gasp!).

Because I've been focusing my extra time on the writing, I haven't been doing much (i.e. any) art, BUT I feel the juices flowing and have finally gotten my art area ready to dive back in. I have a new inspiration from an unlikely source...I was looking at some Austrailian souveniers someone had (small adorned boomerangs etc) & at first glance I was like "ehh, kinda hokey" but upon really looking at them & then researching Aboriginal artwork, I'm now soooo fascinated and inspired, especially by the more contemporary stuff.

And then of course there's the news of opening myself back up to dating. I'm putting myself out there & looking forward to the opportunity to meet & spend time with new people (of the male variety) which I've been fortunate enough to have been able to do already. That alone has me spinning a bit in la-la land at the moment, yet staying grounded & present & in the moment which is a refreshing change (for me). Part of me is sad to let go of something I was holding onto for a very long time, but a bigger part of me knows that it's better for me to make room for ME and let fate take my hand to things even beyond my projection.

It just feels good. All of it. I think I can safely say that I'm back & I want to stay here forever! I hope to hold onto this gratitude, knowing what the other side is like...having truly experienced what it's like not to live & to watch life pass you by like those film clips where you're standing still & everything around you is sped up.

It probably sounds like I'm all cool & collected & lackadaisical about this after droning on & on about how horrible & miserable it's all been for me the last 2 years. Funny thing is, I'm finding I'm having to sort of relearn things in a weird way--like what to do with myself when I have energy or how to embrace high-fiving myself without waiting for the other shoe to drop. Truth be told, I'm f*cking bouncing off the ceilings, skipping thru the halls, kartwheeling across the yard, and farting rainbows (as my English BFF says), so yeah, life is good, life is going, life is back!!!

xoxo!

is there a point?

I'm starting to wonder what the point of this here blog is anyway. I haven't been keeping up with it as much as I'd like...partly from not having anything positive to say most days & partly from not having anything particularly creative to share.

I get blasts of inspiration, not just for the blog but life, and then I sorta settle back into my routine of not doing anything about it. It's interesting because even though I do think I'm feeling more steadily energized and a bit more mentally positive, the rut that I've become accustomed to through 2+ years of sustained lethargy is tough to snap out of even now that I feel capable of snapping. I'm sure like anything, it'll take time to re-establish routines, re-nurture a creative schedule, and re-learn what productivity means to me. I'm just so damn impatient.

Anywhoooo, I am enjoying my e-writing class. It's HARD though! But it seems to be satisfying my creative yearnings for the time being, even if it means I'm still not making any new art which means not getting closer to opening an Etsy shop. But all in good time, right? Hmmph, fine!

xoxo!

so far, so good

Well Saturday proved to be an exceptionally perky day for me...something I haven't experienced in some time. I don't know if it was a fluke, the placebo effect from starting my new medication the day prior (I mean surely it can't be working THAT fast), the fact that the sun was out for the first time in too many grey days. But I went with it.

It wasn't so much that I got TONS done, but that I was "up," in good spirits, and thinking clearly. I did spend many hours writing my first assignment for my new e-writing course which felt wonderful to actually be doing something creative. Mind you, it was frustrating & hard, but the good kind that makes you feel alive & proud, even if it's not award-winning quality. I got out in the sunny weather to do some errands & such, and managed to hold onto energy well into the evening without so much as lying on the couch or spending the day in my PJs!

Unfortunately Sunday was AS perky, but it was still better than most days, and while I didn't get nearly all the things done that I really wanted to, I'm not getting bent out of shape about it. I did run across the video below of the lovely Judy Wise. I only know Judy through other artists' adoration & admiration of her, plus she's currently in my Unravelling group which feels like a treat. After watching the video, not only did I get some flashes of inspiration of how to keep (or in my case, instigate) the creative juices flowing, but I realized why she is indeed the wise woman of so many art communities.



It helped remind me that creativity is where you make it; creativity is not perfect; and you have to create to be creative, not the other way around! Thanks Judy!

xoxo!

Thankful Friday

collage via Scrapitorium

I've recently been inspired by someone else's Thankful Fridays & thought I'd like to start doing this for myself to help with the grumps I seem to get mired down in. This is the perfect Friday to start on because I have something very much to be thankful for today. Plus who isn't thankful simply that it's Friday!?

I got a prescription for a medication that I am desperately hoping is going to make a HUGE difference in how I'm feeling. That might not seem like that big of a deal, but it's not something that docs give out with regularity (because it's to treat something many don't really believe in). I'm not trying to be overtly cryptic, but it's not entirely necessary to get into the details of it...just that two weeks ago I decided to schedule an appointment with the doc that diagnosed me with CFS after not going back to her (in frustration) for over a year, specifically to see if she'd just flat out prescribe me this medication whether she believed in it or not. I stressed somewhat about this for the last 2 weeks...feeling like this was my best shot to feel better & knowing if she turned me down, I was sort of out of options temporarily. For the record: I am not at all a pill poppin' kind of gal, so for me to be putting all my eggs in one pill bottle is a BIG deal.

But she didn't turn me down...she was very receptive, prescribed me the medication, and is willing to work with me to sort it out if these meds don't work. I feel so relieved just at that...now here's hoping my theory on what this medication will do comes through for me & I start feeling better in a week or so! Fingers crossed people...I need this to work really badly! :)

Also thankful for today:
a certain communication with a certain Scotsman
sunshine coming out after a week of grey rain
embarking on a writing course to dust off my skills & get me out there with my work

xoxo!

off to a good start

Lake Marble Falls, TX (taken 1/1/01 while visiting my grandmother)

Well, 2010 is off to a good start...well except that there's only been 2 days & I've only managed 1 pic a day so far (totally forgot about it yesterday...ooops, not quite in the habit yet). No worries though, I'll get into the swing of it for #16 on my list of 2010 to-do's.

But otherwise, great start, if I do say so myself. I'm starting the Unravelling e-course tomorrow which I'm very much looking forward to (and hoping it'll help get me in the pic-taking habit). And I've also just signed up for a writing course that will begin in Feb and which I'm hoping will help with #'s 5 & 6 on my list. Bring it on!

PLUS...I've got some new art ideas bubbling up to the surface (yay!) & plan to spend today hashing some of those out to see what I can come up with there. Something in a new direction from my usual assemblage boxes, so we'll see how it comes together.

2010, loving you already big guy!

xoxo!

momentum

my new Holga & first glasses, by me

The above pic has nothing to do with today's post (not like all the pictures ever do anyway), but it just so happened I got my new Holga (even though I said earlier I had a crush on her) & my first-ever specs on the same day this week.

What's really on my mind is momentum--or lack thereof at the moment. I've been preparing for my first art show coming up this Sunday (today is Tuesday eve) & I still have some last-minute finishing touches to put on 2 pieces. I'm having a REALLY hard time using my time towards finishing them. Over the last month, since I found out about this show, I've been busting my butt to finalize many pieces that have sat stagnant for the better part of this past year, so they'll be ready for the show. I have made some brand new ones in that time as well. But I'm feeling tapped out, I guess...just before the finish line.

This happened to me during college too. My very last semester of my senior year, I was so sick & tired of writing, but during those final months before graduation, I had one more written piece due every day it seemed. I mean there's alot of writing in college, but getting my degree IN writing, meant that was just about all I did that last year. I was so burnt out on writing, that I acutally started turning in pieces about how sick I was of writing. By the time graduation came & I got a 9-5 paying job behind a desk in an office building, I told everyone who would listen that if I never had to write creatively again, I'd be fine. (I didn't dare consider market studies and sales proposals creative). Yet today, I wish I hadn't let so much time go by without making an effort to write. The muscles feel like they've atrophied on me because I've lost touch with so much of what I cultivated during those grueling final years in my writing program.

I'm feeling bits of all that stirring now with my art work. And I don't want to feel that way, but it's the truth (at this very moment anyway). With this being my first art show & me still being relatively new to creating this type of art (barely 2 yrs now), I don't know if this is "normal" to want to pack away the paints and found objects because I'm actually rather sick of looking at all the clutter. Just like I don't know if, for writers, it's similar when they've finished that novel or published that collection of short stories and cannot get far enough away from the laptop or writing notebook or sentence structure.

Do all creatives go through this "if I never have to do this again..." feeling or is it just me trying to convince myself to give up on something else just when I get my momentum going?! I still get new ideas that gnaw at me--for both art concepts & writing pieces. I still got really energiezed when a new piece started to magically unfold in the midst of finalizing all the other half-finished ones. I still get excited to think about taking an erotic writing course at the first of the year. Maybe I just need balance--time for art with writing with photography and with rambling walks and new recipes and friends and whatever else gives me some distance from those callings that I do enjoy but that can be a bit all-consuming if not peppered with breaks and time to get reinspired.

Baby steps...I'm getting it.

xoxo!

writing your story

still life, by me

I feel like I have a story to tell. But maybe it's not the erotic anthology I think it should be. Or even the Great American Novel that everyone assumes it would be. Maybe it's not even to be told in words. I don't know entirely...not yet anyway.

The chatter in my head seems to want me to hear something. The louder it gets, the harder it is to keep inside, to keep quiet. It is with me always, no matter what I try to do to escape it. Even when I am making art, I cannot detach enough to avoid the incessant noise. Not even when I try to drown it out with laborious sweat or nature's soft sounds. The only time it feels quiet, the only time I feel present, is when I'm writing. It's something I don't do nearly enough and therefore rarely find that quiet peace of being fully here & now.

Maybe, just maybe, through writing it down--the chatter, the noise, the conflict, the rage--I can begin to hear myself again. The words. The story. What needs to be told.

xoxo!

gimme structure

Structure is what I need. I've been sort of aimlessly dabbling in my creativity since starting this blog, with nothing all that concrete to show for it....story of my creative life thus far. Don't get me wrong, I have some things I've created that I'm proud of, and a couple things I'm working on that I'm excited about finishing, but nothing is done & I'm not producing like I'd like to...not in a way that's eventually going to get me published or exhibited or even a solid inventory for Etsy.

I think what's lacking is discipline, deadlines, structure...it's all too "out there, somewhere, in the future" still. I had a friend inquire when he could read a short piece I've been "working on" for ages now & I realized it wasn't anymore closer to being finished (or finessed) than many months ago when he'd last brought it up. Recently, I also had another friend over lunch offer to be a "technical consultant" of sorts & offer tidbits as needed on my writing. Both of these got me feeling both inspired and anxious, but more importantly, it got me thinking that having someone waiting to read (or see) my work helps put the pressure on...makes me accountable. For instance, 2 friends' birthdays are coming up which means 2 art pieces I started as gifts need to get completed...one by next weekend, one by month's end. While it's both frustrating and motivating to have hard stops lurking, it just seems to be the way I work best. I'd like to say that I could instigate a sense of self-motivation...that I should want it enough to rise to the occassion of completing something or even just working on something for the sheer personal satisfaction of getting it done. Alas, that just does not seem to be how I'm wired to function. But there's nothing like a deadline looming or having someone egging you on to light the fire under the ass of procrastination.

So even though neither of these friends are "writers" and even though neither of them will likely be editors or critics, just having them waiting seems to be enough for now to force me to get busy. And because there might not always someone volunteering to read my work or birthdays to make gifts for (plus I'd actually like to start having real editors read my writing & have art pieces to show & sell instead of everything being given away or as reading material for horny friends), I do need to start doing it for myself...and I'm hoping setting some imaginary deadlines will give me the faux internal motivation to produce something regularly.

So to start, I've set a deadline with one of the above mentioned reader friends to have a more final draft of this elusive many-months-come-and-gone story ready to read this Sunday. It's already helped me putter around with it a bit yesterday & this morning & will give me a reason to sit & buckle down to work on it this weekend! Let's see how it works out....fingers crossed.

xoxo.