Monday, January 25, 2010


This saying is resonating with me as I struggle to figure out what is going with my chronic fatigue & its frustrating affects on my creativity.

When health is absent Wisdom cannot reveal itself, Art cannot become manifest, Strength cannot be exerted, Wealth is useless and Reason is powerless. Herophiles

I know I've been bitching alot about not feeling well & it pissing me off, etc, etc. It's hard not to get down when I have a kazillion & one things in my head (and I'm sure even more things yet to be dreamt) that are going stagnant with my inability to GET CREATIVE in this haze of lethargy & lack of motivation. I see other people creating such unique and wonderful work & I feel very left out & falling behind & washed up before I've gotten started.

But I must go easy on myself & understand there is a reason for all this and hold onto hope that once I'm back in action, I will soar!


Friday, January 15, 2010


me trying to be more visible

It's funny because my intention word for 2010 is VISIBILITY, yet since the beginning of the year, I have been a bit invisible on this blog. In my own (partial) defense--I have not been feeling great since getting back to work after the holidays & I've been Unravelling which has taken up some of my online time.

But back to my word: I chose visibility for two reasons: 1) to be seen, and 2) to see clearly.

The truth is, I have been hiding out in a sense for the last couple of years with not feeling well, going through some stuff, etc, etc. But it's gotten lonely & as much as I feel people around me don't understand & I get sick of explaining or excusing myself to them, I know I need people in my life. And more than that, I want a partner in my life.

Along those lines, I want to be more visible to find a partner. I want to get rid of the residual hesitation and unsurity and questions & be open to the right person coming into me life. But he can't find me if he can't see me!

I also want to be seen for who I truly am, not for the facades I put on because of some of the roles I've chosen to play like "office worker" "paralegal" "troubled/sad/lonely girl". That's not to say I don't show people the real me, I do, but more often than not, I'm presenting a part of myself that I don't want to be a part of anymore, so it feels unreal & inauthentic.

The same goes for my art--I have to put it out there to get seen. And doing this will help me with presenting a truer me to the world.

In addition to being seen, I want to see clearly--I want to be able to trust my intuition/inner voice, see the signs of life beckoning me deeper in, hear the directions and answers to the questions and concerns I have about what to do, where to go, how to do it. I want to stop second-guessing myself & staying paralyzed because I can't see which way to jump. This goes for everything: finding a partner (and not making the same mistakes I have in the past), career change (and not making the same mistakes I have in the past), and overall life decisions in general (trying more, being less afraid, leaping without worrying).

So after being invisible here for a few days (so much that "anonymous" commented just to check in on me--thank you for caring btw), I am hoping to put my visibility to action on this blog...and let the rest be seen in its due time!


Monday, January 11, 2010

detach here

found image blogged about here

Been feeling a bit detached lately. I'm really noticing it more than other times because I started my e-course off with a bang & full of excitement & interest & connections, but I have been finding myself drifting a bit this last week, not only from it, but from so much of my new years momentum & cheer. And really from myself, if I had to be perfectly honest.

I spent this past week in a constant state of grumbles...out of sorts, irritable, moody, easily agitated. I thought it was hormones because it was sorta that time & then it wasn't that time anymore yet the grumbles still clung to me from morning til night. And actually they clobbered me & held me hostage all.weekend.long, creating another unproductive & icky sort of weekend for me.

I hate to do this & blame it on yet another "food thing," but I really believe it's sugar working its evil magic on me. We just don't think along, yet I can't seem to accept this proven fact. I think it makes me crazy & depressed & unmotivated & sad & lazy & angry & weepy & lost. It's the only way I can explain feeling up & hopeful & content, only to come crashing down with nothing external changing to prompt the spiral into a dark abyss.

I had been doing really well keeping the sugar at bay up through the holidays, but I know exactly where it all turned around. A sip of champagne for a friend's birthday...and that was really all it took. The next morning I had a teeny bite of same friend's birthday cake icing (because I can't eat the cake) and the following day a handful of legal gluten-free cookies for my drive back home. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I've been noticing that it has crept back into my life in subtle ways...a bite of something here, a piece of something there, a handful of these that one time, then a package of those another time...until I look back & realize it's been in my day every day for several days...and I am lying curled up on the couch all bloody day, for mulitple days in a row, feeling lazy & useless & sad & angry & inconsolably tired, trying to figure out where it all went wrong in my life (btw: I'm not speaking metaphorically) ...when really, it only went wrong when I had that sip of champagne which led to all the other little morsels of sugar that assaulted me & took me hostage.

So back on the wagon to being sugar free...which means alcohol free...which right now seems pretty f*cking boring, but alas, feeling so crappy isn't really a barrel of monkeys either. One day I'm going to learn.


Thursday, January 7, 2010


cool fountain at pool of La Mansion hotel, San Antonio, TX

Very much a word I need to keep repeating to don't have to figure it out by yourself, you don't have to have all the answers, you don't have to know which path to choose with each step. Thanks for the reminder today Universe!

I understand, Katherine, that you must wonder, sometimes to the point of bewilderment, at what you're truly capable of doing. Yet, therein lies "the problem," because living the life of your dreams is far more about what I'm capable of doing. Surrender, The Universe

Katherine, all I need from you is an unending march of little, tiny baby steps in its direction.


Monday, January 4, 2010

i've started to Unravel

Unravelling, the e-course, has begun for me! I'm really excited about this little online adventure, as well as the chance to get to know all the lovely-sounding souls who are also participating. Will post more later as it...well, unravels!


Sunday, January 3, 2010

off to a good start

Lake Marble Falls, TX (taken 1/1/01 while visiting my grandmother)

Well, 2010 is off to a good start...well except that there's only been 2 days & I've only managed 1 pic a day so far (totally forgot about it yesterday...ooops, not quite in the habit yet). No worries though, I'll get into the swing of it for #16 on my list of 2010 to-do's.

But otherwise, great start, if I do say so myself. I'm starting the Unravelling e-course tomorrow which I'm very much looking forward to (and hoping it'll help get me in the pic-taking habit). And I've also just signed up for a writing course that will begin in Feb and which I'm hoping will help with #'s 5 & 6 on my list. Bring it on!

PLUS...I've got some new art ideas bubbling up to the surface (yay!) & plan to spend today hashing some of those out to see what I can come up with there. Something in a new direction from my usual assemblage boxes, so we'll see how it comes together.

2010, loving you already big guy!