Monday, January 11, 2010

detach here

found image blogged about here

Been feeling a bit detached lately. I'm really noticing it more than other times because I started my e-course off with a bang & full of excitement & interest & connections, but I have been finding myself drifting a bit this last week, not only from it, but from so much of my new years momentum & cheer. And really from myself, if I had to be perfectly honest.

I spent this past week in a constant state of grumbles...out of sorts, irritable, moody, easily agitated. I thought it was hormones because it was sorta that time & then it wasn't that time anymore yet the grumbles still clung to me from morning til night. And actually they clobbered me & held me hostage all.weekend.long, creating another unproductive & icky sort of weekend for me.

I hate to do this & blame it on yet another "food thing," but I really believe it's sugar working its evil magic on me. We just don't think along, yet I can't seem to accept this proven fact. I think it makes me crazy & depressed & unmotivated & sad & lazy & angry & weepy & lost. It's the only way I can explain feeling up & hopeful & content, only to come crashing down with nothing external changing to prompt the spiral into a dark abyss.

I had been doing really well keeping the sugar at bay up through the holidays, but I know exactly where it all turned around. A sip of champagne for a friend's birthday...and that was really all it took. The next morning I had a teeny bite of same friend's birthday cake icing (because I can't eat the cake) and the following day a handful of legal gluten-free cookies for my drive back home. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I've been noticing that it has crept back into my life in subtle ways...a bite of something here, a piece of something there, a handful of these that one time, then a package of those another time...until I look back & realize it's been in my day every day for several days...and I am lying curled up on the couch all bloody day, for mulitple days in a row, feeling lazy & useless & sad & angry & inconsolably tired, trying to figure out where it all went wrong in my life (btw: I'm not speaking metaphorically) ...when really, it only went wrong when I had that sip of champagne which led to all the other little morsels of sugar that assaulted me & took me hostage.

So back on the wagon to being sugar free...which means alcohol free...which right now seems pretty f*cking boring, but alas, feeling so crappy isn't really a barrel of monkeys either. One day I'm going to learn.



  1. I blame everything on the month of January. Your post about the Unravelling project inspired me to do a collage though :)

  2. Don't be too hard on yourself! You've put great intention out in the world for 38 and I'm sure you will find great experiences, effort and discoveries along the way. I started my blog at 38 bound and determined to write was slooooow going at first, but I'm so glad I did it. 39 isn't so different, but I feel more goal oriented now, like I really can make good things happen in my life by setting my mind to it!

    My very best to you from not so far away in Dallas!

  3. It's been a few days without a post, so I sure hope you are feeling better and efverything is going the way you want it to!