healing thoughts & gratitude

I know the word gratitude gets thrown around alot & it's something I've wanted to cultivate more for myself, but it's always felt somewhat forced for a naturally cynical person like me. Throughout my healing journey, I've read alot about body/mind connection & thoughts manifesting physically within the body...and I believe in it. I see it working in the negative in my life, so I'm finally...finally...willing to put it to work in the positive.

I'm going to attempt a daily journal again...it's been ages...to help get whatever thoughts out of my head, but also to begin transferring the negative, fearful thoughts into positive, healing, grateful thoughts.

I was introduced to Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life" long before I was officially "sick." And to be honest, I've struggled to grasp the concept of affirmations. It really does feel awkward (OK, downright silly even) at first, but if you sort of fake it, eventually it starts to feel authentic. The one thing I immediately identified with when I pulled the book out again early in my dealings with CFS, was The List. The list contains physical ailments, accompanied by the thought pattern creating it & the new thought pattern to reverse it. Here are my big ones:

Fatigue: resistance, boredom, lack of love for what one does (ummm hello, to-the-letter)

Adrenal Problems: defeatism, no longer caring for the self, anxiety (defeatism is often my middle name)

Bowel: fear of letting go of the old & no longer needed (I totally hold onto thing well passed their prime).

So along with my daily journaling, I'm going to focus on the "new thought pattern" for each to release the previous thoughts behind my specific health issues. We'll see how that works. I know that even after just one morning of finding some honest to goodness gratitude, the journaling likely helped me get through today by making some better choices for myself (like taking a 10 minute walk outside mid-afternoon instead of grabbing candy and/or a hot chocolate when I was feeling run down). And because it was so successful, I'm going to begin incorporating it into my daily schedule! Baby steps.

xoxo!

seeking serenity

I sure have been quiet around here. I moved my blog to a new URL to try to limit my stalker's access (part of why I've been so absent is not wanting him to see what I'm up to). I've had alot I've wanted to say...comment on my Goals List from 2011, announce my intention word for 2012, chronicle some of the ups & downs from the end of the year...and these things will come, just not today.

Since my last post in (gasp) September 2011, when I made a premature cry of hope, I have been on the slippery slope of feeling OK then downright bad again. I was doing pretty good between Thanksgiving & Christmas. I managed to get off sugar again for about 3 weeks prior to Christmas & was starting to feel human again. I took an online photo class which was fun & got me out of the house more than usual. I borrowed a friends bicycle which also got me out of the house & put a smile on my face & some joy in my heart (despite taking up a ridiculously large amount of space in my living room).

BUT as Christmas has a tendency to do (especially when you give in & agree to do celebrating with family), I got sucked into the lure of Christmas cuisine. Followed by the high/low of a New Year beginning. And quite frankly, I feel like I'm still suffering from all of that almost a month later. I am especially struggling with getting back on the wagon with my food.

This is nothing new with me...I've struggled with food issues even outside of this recent health crisis. It used to be I struggled with food from a weight perspective, but now, with this illness, I struggle with it from a health perspective. You'd think feeling like crap day in/day out would motivate one to avoid foods that hurt them & stay clean with good foods that heal them. But food issues run deeper than rational thinking, they run deeper than feeling poorly everyday, they are basically at the core of who I am...or more specifically who I let myself believe I am. They are deep, they are real, and they will trump everything else if I'm not in a stable place emotionally to wrangle them.

I have a history with food, recovery from food, avoidance of foods, succumbing to food, dictating food & being dictated by food. One of the most balanced times in my life was when I was in Overeaters Anonymous (OA) beginning in late 1998...and more specifically, following the Grey Sheet plan of recovery to the letter for 3 solid years. It was hard, but I had a sponsor, I had a support network, and most importantly, I had a willingness to do it one-day-at-a-time. Little did I know at the time that the Grey Sheet plan was EXACTLY the food plan that I would later come to understand was the best way for me to eat: no sugar, no flour/grains, no alcohol, no high carb fruits/veggies, with weighed/measured meals to prevent over-consumption. I struggled to find a new support system within OA when I moved from Austin to Houston in 2002...I attended meetings for awhile, but didn't find the level of recovery from the members like those I'd relied on in Austin. So slowly, I fell away, and slowly the recovery did too.

I will write at another time about my specific experience with OA. For now, as I struggle to maintain a healthy way of eating now for my healing, I keep going back to those times & those lessons, hoping to reclaim some of my willingness from those days of balance & vitality, remember the mantra: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the willingness to know the difference.

xoxo!

let's get this party started

OK, enough holiday blues...enough CFS pity party...enough talking & more doing. I've been off sugar for a few days now which no doubt is helping me feel inspired & ready to bust a move.

Tis the eve of the eve of the New Year...2011 baby, she's a-comin'! I'm working on my goals list, my intention word...dreaming big yet in realistic ways since it's been brought to my attention recently that I tend towards too high of expectations. I mean there's nothing wrong with reaching for the stars. But sometimes I think for me, I reach for too many, too high, too often so as to set myself up for impossible expectations & probable disappointments.

That being said, my yearly goals list has always been more about putting it down than cracking the whip to make sure they all get done. In fact, of all the things I can beat myself up about, going through my previous year's list & noting which were done & not done doesn't cause me the least bit of strife or self-criticism. Not sure why, but I guess I'm one of those gals who feels that you've got to name it to claim it...put it out there to get it back.

For instance, there were several things on my 2010 to-do list that even as of Nov 1, I didn't think I'd make happen, but within the remaining weeks of the year I sure as shit did. Take #6 "start novel in earnest" and #12 "add to Fiestaware"--two totally different levels of to-dos. I had kinda written those off, but the opportunity belatedly presented itself to me on both counts, so I said "let's cross those bitches off."

And with that, I'm ready to cross some new things off in the new year. I'm still working on the what's...but I'll be back to post them & other random ramblings in the next couple of days.

xoxo!

an ode to CFS

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS)...it doesn't sound very serious and it's not life-threatening (unless you consider that some resort to suicide vs living any longer in the state CFS brings). It's not the same for everyone, and it can't be tested for. It's a condition diagnosed after everything else is ruled out. Most people don't understand it or they mock it or they flippantly say things like "tell me about it, I'm tired too." Hell, I don't fully understand it even though I've been living with it for 3 years now. I have fought the fact that I even have it (figuring it's GOT to be something else), until I started reading others' stories about it & realized I was indeed in THAT boat.

You look fine--there's no obvious signs of disease or distress or markings or red flags. It is a thief, dressed in black, moving stealthly, unnoticed by the outside world. Not only does it steal your physical energy, it steals your mind's energy, your motivation, your joy, your zest, your comfort, your rest. It's often misdiagnosed as depression for this reason, but any depression is a side-effect, not a cause. Some people can't get out of bed. I get out of bed most days around 4am, I go to work, I come home to the couch, I lie in the tub, I get back into bed around 8pm because I can't stand to be up any longer. And in between these auto-pilot movements & foggy thinking, I dream of so many things that I want to do, but with my gumption & motivation & zeal stolen, nothing but the basics get done.

There are days of energy, days of doing. But I've learned they are mirages; they don't last...sometimes not even for a whole day. I grab hold of these when I can, do things that have been wanting to get done, and sometimes let myself feel hopeful that I'm fixed. But invariably the hour comes...I don't know when it'll be. Sometimes it's 8am, sometimes not til 10am or just after noon, but it comes. The light disappears, the motivation vanishes, and I'm back on the couch maxed out, a fog of non-doing now filling up my head. This is the cycle CFS takes in my life--in my heart I want to go & do & be out & be seen & get heard & be happy, but my body/energy/head can't be bothered with such things. It just wants to be still, be quiet & hide. I don't sleep, mind you, it's not that kind of tired for me. I lie around, concious but unable. Like I'm trapped in a bubble filled with a haze--I can sorta see out, but I cannot get out.

I am hopeful I can break the cycle. I am hopeful I can bust through the fog & reclaim who I used to be. But it's hard when you slide back & forth; daring to hope is a vulnerable place to be, especially when disappointment is never too far behind. But I keep trying--new doctors & alternative practitioners, new treatments, new food plans, tactics, mindsets, books, therapies, theories, support & attempts. It's all I can do, here alone in this fog-filled bubble, on my couch of hope.

xoxo!

blue christmas

OK, I think it's offical...I'm having a blue Christmas. I'm sure it's mostly because I was hormonal the week leading to Christmas, of all weeks. Might also be because I've been nursing a bum foot (it's not serious, but it does hurt & makes walking annoying). Or could be because I opted not to pull out the small smattering of decorations I have to put up a tree.

Basically it's just that time of the year...seeing everyone else be cheery & bright & together & merry really does make this the loneliest time of year...for someone like me who doesn't do the whole family gathering or have the funds to buy everyone gifts or (and this is probably the biggest part) have a partner to spend it with. I tried to start a tradition a few years ago of being away from home on a personal vacation during Christmas, but as finances have dried up, that wasn't in the budget again this year.

Whatever the cause this year, it's definitely catching up with me as Christmas has come & gone and now we eek toward the the end of the year. I didn't make as much use out my 4 days off, home alone, this past weekend as I'd intended. I did alittle art, but mostly ALOT of TV watching. (seriously why is it easier to clear out the DVR rather than the stack of books left unread? I mean, both can be done from the couch!?) Alot of that has to do with being in a downslide with the CFS...still experiencing 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

I'm blaming it on the poor food choices I've been making (since Thanksgiving really--mostly to numb I'm sure as the weight of the season snuck up on me). I'm not sure when I'll learn that eating for comfort is the most uncomfortable choice with my CFS...it just causes the fatigue & the mental exhaustion & the irritability & the body aches & the hopelessness to flare up each & every time. But thankfully THAT is something I can change & so I shall (and will keep doing until it sticks). I would like to be kind to myself in this final week of 2010, so that I can start another year in a better place & make better things happen.

xoxo!

quiet time

I've been quiet here, partly because I don't have alot to share & I partly because I'm in head-mode. Tis the time of year when I reflect & project. I'm dreaming up my Goals 2011 list--things I would like to accomplish or attempt over the course of the year. As such, I'm not attempting or accomplishing too much at the moment.

Also, I have started to have a backslide into low-energy again, which makes doing things or wanting to do things less appealing. I'm not sure what the deal is other than I was taking some additional supplements a couple of months back which ran out several weeks ago & maybe they were the culprits that had me feeling so much better here recently. Also my food choices have been shitty over the last couple of weeks too, so I'm sure that's not helping. I guess just as well on timing for lying low & projecting forward. Just hope I can get back on an upswing so I have the energy to follow through on my projections.

Another thing I've been feeling coming over me is a familiar paralysis as I near a transition in my dog training studies. I have 1 more book section to complete & then I will start on the hands-on portions. First will be my shelter volunteer work & then my mentor work & then my final certification. Creeping up is that old familiar feeling of "uh oh...now comes the real test...will I have what it takes...what if I don't..what if I can't make it work...what if I'm a shitty trainer...what if I can't find clients...what if I FAIL" fear that makes me want to abandon things before I have a chance to fail (or succeed) and instead go off in search of something else to attempt (insert art, writing, photography, etc, etc, infinity). It's a bad habit & a real concern...must nip it in the bud & make friends with the fears in order to push through anyway.

So that's kinda where I am...neither here nor there, I guess.

xoxo!

august break: 8/23-8/25

I haven't been posting photos the last few days for August Break...I don't know why really, I just haven't. In a bit of a funk perhaps. It's that time of the month, and I'm hoping that's all it is & not some overriding or underlurking blahs because the previous couple of weeks have been great.

My energy has been chronically up (hooray) & my motivation has been following suit (albeit a bit more shyly) & my general outlook has been pleasantly positive. I think it has been a combination of improved thryoid function, along with feeling inspired about my dog traning studies!

However, I made the mistake of signing up for Match.com on Sunday...I regretted doing so about 2 hrs after I did it. It could be the cause of my current down-in-the-dumps-ness (I'm getting tired of chronic disappointments in this realm of my life) but I'm trying to keep hope alive with it all, so let's just chalk this current mood/energy slump up to monthly swings & plan to return to our regularly scheduled goodness in another day or two, shall we?!

xoxo!

compost happens...so does shit!

compost bin, #13 off the list

Man oh man, I've been MIA & scattered & sporadic & unfocused & down & up &...well, just not here! I feel like I've got alot to write about, yet nothing to say. I guess you could say I feel a bit lost to myself right now.

The biggest update, I suppose is that about 2.5 weeks ago (June 18th to be exact), I went to a new doctor/clinic in hopes of finding help with my continued flailing health. Based on my laundry list of symptoms + physical exam, they started me on some hormones (thyroid, progesterone, cortisol, etc) plus a super-strict anti-yeast diet with medication for that. The blood tests I received about 10 days later confirmed that I am having thyroid problems (autoimmune thyroiditis), plus adrenal fatigue, plus super low vitamin D, plus high levels showing internal inflammation. Blah, blah, blah...basically I finally have some actual "proof" that something's wrong which is a HUGE start.

After about 2 weeks, I am starting to notice some improvements in energy, mood, & motivation. Not like 100% improvements, but moves in the right direction. [I don't want to jinx myself here, and it's not a quick-fix & will take about 3 months to right me, if it is the proper treatment.] In fact, just this weekend I did the following all in one day: art, errands, exercise (hooping), cooking, misc household chores, and phone talking! Plus I did it all with a bit of a twinkle in my eye. This might be a normal day for most, but it was MUCH different than the ones I'm used to lately. But that was one day...and while I'm grateful...today's been a bit different.

I don't know if it's just that I don't know what to do with myself with a sustained level of energy or if it's hard breaking out of the old pattern of slothfulness or what, but I fizzled out today & slugged around most of the day instead of keeping the momentum going with art & things I've been craving & dreaming of doing for months.

It probably didn't help that I felt a bit down today...lonely is really more the word I should be using. There, I said it, I'm Lonely! I've become so isolated from not feeling like doing anything & the fact that I haven't had a real partner in 3 years is frustrating, as is the fact that the partner I last had is still lingering in a long distance way in my life, yet he's not even fully present from his distant perch. All in all, I just feel lonelier than I ever have...friends are few between (and far flung), dating is non-existent, and me alone at home is becoming very tiresome & monotonous.

Monotonous is a good word too...I don't feel inspired yet. Not with my art. Not with my writing. Not with my career change. Not with dating. Not with anything really (well, the hooping is definitely helping & I'm coming along even in just a couple short days). So I'm just hoping those other things (the inspiration & motivation & oomph) will start to catch up to the energy as it continues (hopefully) to grace me with its presence more & more.

I could go on & on with whining about how I'm not doing this or not accomplishing that, but I won't....I'll leave it on a positive note of everything catching up in due time. Because the truth is, I'm feeling a hell of a lot more hopeful about it than I was even just 3 weeks ago!

xoxo!

finding my way

an original UK Kodak Duaflex sent to me by my

British BFF after finding in his parent's attic!

I feel I've gone abit astray with this blog....or lack of interaction with it...lately.

I've been focusing on feeling better, I suppose, which seems to be at the center of my creative journey at present, but it's not all that creative, I'm afraid to say.

I did visit a new doctor/clinic about a week+ back & have started a new protocol that I am very hopeful will slowly start to get me back to right again. I've seen some positive results so far, in just a week's time; however, I know it won't be a quick fix & hope in the next 1-3 months I will consider myself closer to 100%. Perhaps I'll write alittle more indepth about it as I embark on it further.

gorgeous weathered bench at Royer's in Round Top, TX

That said, even in this first week, I've already spent time on both weekends dipping back into artwork, which feels nice. But also frustrating! The ideas/inspiration are hiding from me, so all I've managed to accomplish thus far are the basics of preparing some boxes--gessoing my little heart out in hopes that as inspiration strikes, I will have "canvases" ready to go! Today will be a bit of re-org to get things alittle more creation-friendly. Although I'm sure as most artists will recognize, keeping a studio "clean" is an impossible endeavor.


I am currently taking Kelly Rae Robert's e-course, but I have to admit that as with many of my other e-course endeavors, I am not very "connected" to it. I am, however, printing out as I go along so that I will have it as a constant resource to consult offline and even after it's complete. I would like to sign up for Claudine Hellmuth's 12 week creative course as well, but I'm a bit gun shy given the disappointment (in myself) of the last several I've taken. It's calling to me, but they all do in the beginning. Yet, I suppose I've taken something away from each of them, even if not one in particular changed my life, so to speak.

xoxo!

missing in action

photo found here

Well missing, but not much action. I've been staying a bit under the radar recently. Mostly due to my usual "blah's" & mostly due to not much to say...although I do have pics & a recap of my annual Mother's Day weekend get-away with mom that I'd like to document & share here, but that requires coordination of text & photos, something that is beyond my capabilities at the moment (apparently).

I've been neglecting my art e-course assignments. I've not been creating any of my own art (although I did find out the same people that did my art show last year are doing another this November they want to includ me in). I've been a bit more social lately, which is good on many levels. And I'm re-committing to efforts to feel better. I've been off the meds for almost a month & can really tell a difference in starting to slip back to not feeling so great, so I've got an appointment with the Doc on Monday to see what we can do (meds again or something else?!) , plus I'm embarking on The UltraSimple Diet to help sorta detox & get me on track (taking all my stats for that [weight + measurements] was deflating, but motivating). So the frustrating hamster wheel of a search to get better continues...frustratingly so!

But I'm trying not to let it get me down...or atleast keep me down.

I did make it to the park on Monday for my power walk & made a new friend who I have a walking date with on Friday. We kept challenging each other the majority of the walk (she first past me up & my "oh no you didn't" caused me to charge ahead & pass her up & on & on...it was actually rather funny to see us at it--in the end, we decided we were good for each other & perhaps will have a regular schedule of walking together).

xoxo!

hiding

me (hiding) on a visit back to Austin 2008

I've been thinking about "hiding" lately, especially because my word/intention for this year is VISIBILITY.

I think when I chose that word, I didn't realize how vastly applicable it was to me & what I've been needing. I sorta thought maybe it just meant I needed to make more friends, go out a bit more, meet boys, and maybe get my artwork out there. And it does. But it also means that I want to stop hiding.

Yes I have been dealing with a condition known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (it's a real condition--it doesn't just mean I'm lazy or not sleeping enough or burning the candle at both ends--it means I'm sick on a cellular level, possibly viral or otherwise). This has kept me cooped up & unavailable in ways I've never experienced before...except once.

When I was 10/11 yrs old, I broke my leg one year at summer camp. Prior to going away to camp that year, I was told by my parents that they were getting a divorce. This was the early 80's and while divorce was a somewhat familiar word in those days, I didn't know very many friends (maybe one) whose parents were divorced. While I was away at camp, they separated, divided the house, and mom moved out. When I returned early from camp with a broken leg & hard plaster up to my groin, it was not longer "home." I simply came back to the house I lived in. It was totally different, emotionally empty, and for the remainder of that summer, I sat in it virtually alone.

So it's no wonder that when I started feeling puny a few years ago, chronically unable to muster any mojo for even life's simpliest tasks like sweeping and dog walking, my psyche reverted back to that 11 yr old girl, alone in a house, stuck in a recliner, in front of the TV, surrounded by sugary snacks, fizzy drinks & bologna sandwiches (because crutching back & forth to the kitchen & hauling food each time was not an option), watching MTV & soap operas, instead of out riding her bike, playing with friends, and swimming in the sunshine all day long like she normally did. TV and food became my companions & loneliness became my MO. Oh and did I had that damn cast on for 9 months & that at the tail end of it, I started my period...as in for the first time ever?

Yeah, it was a pretty shitty summer!

So as I've started to emerge from the haze of CFS, it's slow & gradual & I'm not totally there yet, I'm trying to un-alone myself. It has been very easy to become 11 again, pained loss (of my family), unable to move around or enjoy what was normally enjoyable. I can see too how it's fed myy hiding behind a long distance relationship that hasn't been serving me in as many positive ways as it once had. Afterall, it was easier to send emails & do phone calls than actually have to go out & be "on" & date, so I guess it served a purpose for awhile, but not any longer. I'm sure too, I didn't want to suffer another loss since my very first loss was so life-altering for me.

I am trying to reach out to more people, enagage in more things, build some sort of a community, even it's with strangers online, and find my way back to things I enjoy. I'm commenting on blogs more, making more plans with friends who energize me, even going on a date or two here/there, and generally saying yes to a few more opportunities. Visibility to me is turning into not hiding. That might sound intuitive to many, but I guess for me, stuck inside my the hermit shell I originally created at 11 yrs old & moved back into at 36, I wasn't able to see how much I've been creaving actually being seen.

xoxo!

ready, set...STOP!

Ugh, I think this hot yoga challenge wasn't such a good idea right out of the gate of starting to feel better. Each time I've gone, I've felt the draining effects the day after. Not the good kind of post excerise invirogation & energy boost, but the deep down drain of my all-too-familiar CFS lethargy. No, No, No!

Unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to put the challenge on hold...for now. I will continue going to yoga classes, some hot, some not, and mix it up with my park power walk workouts, but for now, the hot 90 minute classes are proving tough on me (the class itself is getting easier & I love it while I'm doing it, but it's the post-exertional malaise, as they call it, that's kicking my ass the most).

I need to listen to my body, not be stubborn just for the sake of the self-imposed challenge, because I DO NOT want to go back to feeling the chronic energy suck every single day. The challenge will have to wait for a later date, hopefully when I can sustain my energy even after vigorous exercise!

xoxo!

ready, set...sweat!

downward dog photo, found here

So Friday was Day #1 of my self-inflicted 30-day hot yoga challenge. It actually went alot better than I thought...well, I didn't think it would go badly, but I was a bit nervous to embark on this, seeing how I haven't done hot yoga in about 7-8 years. Coming off of the CFS induced last 2 years, exercise has fallen by the wayside. I've been getting back to the park for my power walks in recent weeks, so I thought it was a good time to up the ante & dive into my hot yoga goal for the year.

Originally I set out to do a 60-day challenge, but I couldn't find 60 consecutive days free (no out of towns or evening plans) in the foreseeable future, and April was all I could manage, so I'm scaling down to a 30-day challenge instead.

For day #1, I managed to stay in the room the entire time, but I did have to sit out a couple of postures (was feeling light-headed upon coming up from certain inverted poses), but I caught my breath, centered myself & dove back in when I felt I was able. I was also surprised at how minimal I kept the criticism of myself in the mirror ahead of me. I did cringe a time or two as I was hanging upside down observing the cottage cheese factory that has taken up residence on my thighs. This is nothing new--it's both genetic & habitual from when I weighed a good 60 lbs more. I doubt I'll ever realistically get totally rid of it, but there have been times in my life where it's been minimal & tolerable.

But that was it on the negativity. Overall, I was proud of myself for going, for hanging in there & pushing through some of the tougher moments. I was also proud that my body could still manage many of the poses with some ease. I already feel like I'm walking taller from just 1 class, so I'm looking forward to improved flexiblity, toning & strength!

xoxo!

all signs point to....

lighting the way
Originally uploaded by k.tucker artworks

Things have been going surprisingly well lately in my world. And it's all because I'm feeling MUCH better since starting the new med (which I hate saying I'm taking a medication, but whatever, I'm happy with the results & it's giving me my life back).

And that is exactly the thing...I'm getting my life back people! So I don't laze around the house, wanting to do things but not having the energy/mental motivation to do them, I'm actually doing & planning & enjoying! Everything from housework to errands to yardwork to socializing is appealing yet again & I'm kicking some serious ass in the process. I even went for a powerwalk workout at Memorial Park last Sunday...and am psyched to return to a regular exercise routine.

It didn't kick in soon enough to make more of an effort at Unravelling which is unfortunate, but luckily the ladies are still kicking around Flickr, so hopefully they will motivate me to keep taking pictures of myself & my world (pic above is for our "light" challenge). But it did kick in just in time for my writing class which has been going pretty good. I definitely need the weekly assignments & deadlines to keep me on track & am alittle sad that after this weekend, I'll be heading into my final week of class there. But I will just have to self-motivate myself to continue on with the routine of writing...improving...and then submitting things for publication (gasp!).

Because I've been focusing my extra time on the writing, I haven't been doing much (i.e. any) art, BUT I feel the juices flowing and have finally gotten my art area ready to dive back in. I have a new inspiration from an unlikely source...I was looking at some Austrailian souveniers someone had (small adorned boomerangs etc) & at first glance I was like "ehh, kinda hokey" but upon really looking at them & then researching Aboriginal artwork, I'm now soooo fascinated and inspired, especially by the more contemporary stuff.

And then of course there's the news of opening myself back up to dating. I'm putting myself out there & looking forward to the opportunity to meet & spend time with new people (of the male variety) which I've been fortunate enough to have been able to do already. That alone has me spinning a bit in la-la land at the moment, yet staying grounded & present & in the moment which is a refreshing change (for me). Part of me is sad to let go of something I was holding onto for a very long time, but a bigger part of me knows that it's better for me to make room for ME and let fate take my hand to things even beyond my projection.

It just feels good. All of it. I think I can safely say that I'm back & I want to stay here forever! I hope to hold onto this gratitude, knowing what the other side is like...having truly experienced what it's like not to live & to watch life pass you by like those film clips where you're standing still & everything around you is sped up.

It probably sounds like I'm all cool & collected & lackadaisical about this after droning on & on about how horrible & miserable it's all been for me the last 2 years. Funny thing is, I'm finding I'm having to sort of relearn things in a weird way--like what to do with myself when I have energy or how to embrace high-fiving myself without waiting for the other shoe to drop. Truth be told, I'm f*cking bouncing off the ceilings, skipping thru the halls, kartwheeling across the yard, and farting rainbows (as my English BFF says), so yeah, life is good, life is going, life is back!!!

xoxo!

is there a point?

I'm starting to wonder what the point of this here blog is anyway. I haven't been keeping up with it as much as I'd like...partly from not having anything positive to say most days & partly from not having anything particularly creative to share.

I get blasts of inspiration, not just for the blog but life, and then I sorta settle back into my routine of not doing anything about it. It's interesting because even though I do think I'm feeling more steadily energized and a bit more mentally positive, the rut that I've become accustomed to through 2+ years of sustained lethargy is tough to snap out of even now that I feel capable of snapping. I'm sure like anything, it'll take time to re-establish routines, re-nurture a creative schedule, and re-learn what productivity means to me. I'm just so damn impatient.

Anywhoooo, I am enjoying my e-writing class. It's HARD though! But it seems to be satisfying my creative yearnings for the time being, even if it means I'm still not making any new art which means not getting closer to opening an Etsy shop. But all in good time, right? Hmmph, fine!

xoxo!

so far, so good

Well Saturday proved to be an exceptionally perky day for me...something I haven't experienced in some time. I don't know if it was a fluke, the placebo effect from starting my new medication the day prior (I mean surely it can't be working THAT fast), the fact that the sun was out for the first time in too many grey days. But I went with it.

It wasn't so much that I got TONS done, but that I was "up," in good spirits, and thinking clearly. I did spend many hours writing my first assignment for my new e-writing course which felt wonderful to actually be doing something creative. Mind you, it was frustrating & hard, but the good kind that makes you feel alive & proud, even if it's not award-winning quality. I got out in the sunny weather to do some errands & such, and managed to hold onto energy well into the evening without so much as lying on the couch or spending the day in my PJs!

Unfortunately Sunday was AS perky, but it was still better than most days, and while I didn't get nearly all the things done that I really wanted to, I'm not getting bent out of shape about it. I did run across the video below of the lovely Judy Wise. I only know Judy through other artists' adoration & admiration of her, plus she's currently in my Unravelling group which feels like a treat. After watching the video, not only did I get some flashes of inspiration of how to keep (or in my case, instigate) the creative juices flowing, but I realized why she is indeed the wise woman of so many art communities.



It helped remind me that creativity is where you make it; creativity is not perfect; and you have to create to be creative, not the other way around! Thanks Judy!

xoxo!

Thankful Friday

collage via Scrapitorium

I've recently been inspired by someone else's Thankful Fridays & thought I'd like to start doing this for myself to help with the grumps I seem to get mired down in. This is the perfect Friday to start on because I have something very much to be thankful for today. Plus who isn't thankful simply that it's Friday!?

I got a prescription for a medication that I am desperately hoping is going to make a HUGE difference in how I'm feeling. That might not seem like that big of a deal, but it's not something that docs give out with regularity (because it's to treat something many don't really believe in). I'm not trying to be overtly cryptic, but it's not entirely necessary to get into the details of it...just that two weeks ago I decided to schedule an appointment with the doc that diagnosed me with CFS after not going back to her (in frustration) for over a year, specifically to see if she'd just flat out prescribe me this medication whether she believed in it or not. I stressed somewhat about this for the last 2 weeks...feeling like this was my best shot to feel better & knowing if she turned me down, I was sort of out of options temporarily. For the record: I am not at all a pill poppin' kind of gal, so for me to be putting all my eggs in one pill bottle is a BIG deal.

But she didn't turn me down...she was very receptive, prescribed me the medication, and is willing to work with me to sort it out if these meds don't work. I feel so relieved just at that...now here's hoping my theory on what this medication will do comes through for me & I start feeling better in a week or so! Fingers crossed people...I need this to work really badly! :)

Also thankful for today:
a certain communication with a certain Scotsman
sunshine coming out after a week of grey rain
embarking on a writing course to dust off my skills & get me out there with my work

xoxo!

resonating

This saying is resonating with me as I struggle to figure out what is going with my chronic fatigue & its frustrating affects on my creativity.

When health is absent Wisdom cannot reveal itself, Art cannot become manifest, Strength cannot be exerted, Wealth is useless and Reason is powerless. Herophiles

I know I've been bitching alot about not feeling well & it pissing me off, etc, etc. It's hard not to get down when I have a kazillion & one things in my head (and I'm sure even more things yet to be dreamt) that are going stagnant with my inability to GET CREATIVE in this haze of lethargy & lack of motivation. I see other people creating such unique and wonderful work & I feel very left out & falling behind & washed up before I've gotten started.

But I must go easy on myself & understand there is a reason for all this and hold onto hope that once I'm back in action, I will soar!

xoxo!

detach here

found image blogged about here

Been feeling a bit detached lately. I'm really noticing it more than other times because I started my e-course off with a bang & full of excitement & interest & connections, but I have been finding myself drifting a bit this last week, not only from it, but from so much of my new years momentum & cheer. And really from myself, if I had to be perfectly honest.

I spent this past week in a constant state of grumbles...out of sorts, irritable, moody, easily agitated. I thought it was hormones because it was sorta that time & then it wasn't that time anymore yet the grumbles still clung to me from morning til night. And actually they clobbered me & held me hostage all.weekend.long, creating another unproductive & icky sort of weekend for me.

I hate to do this & blame it on yet another "food thing," but I really believe it's sugar working its evil magic on me. We just don't think along, yet I can't seem to accept this proven fact. I think it makes me crazy & depressed & unmotivated & sad & lazy & angry & weepy & lost. It's the only way I can explain feeling up & hopeful & content, only to come crashing down with nothing external changing to prompt the spiral into a dark abyss.

I had been doing really well keeping the sugar at bay up through the holidays, but I know exactly where it all turned around. A sip of champagne for a friend's birthday...and that was really all it took. The next morning I had a teeny bite of same friend's birthday cake icing (because I can't eat the cake) and the following day a handful of legal gluten-free cookies for my drive back home. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I've been noticing that it has crept back into my life in subtle ways...a bite of something here, a piece of something there, a handful of these that one time, then a package of those another time...until I look back & realize it's been in my day every day for several days...and I am lying curled up on the couch all bloody day, for mulitple days in a row, feeling lazy & useless & sad & angry & inconsolably tired, trying to figure out where it all went wrong in my life (btw: I'm not speaking metaphorically) ...when really, it only went wrong when I had that sip of champagne which led to all the other little morsels of sugar that assaulted me & took me hostage.

So back on the wagon to being sugar free...which means alcohol free...which right now seems pretty f*cking boring, but alas, feeling so crappy isn't really a barrel of monkeys either. One day I'm going to learn.

xoxo!

tuesday inspiration (on Thurs)

yummy coffee pic, by Susannah Conway

You know you read too many blogs each day when you dream about blog people you don't even know....geesh!

Some fun links I've been checking out this week:

Notpaper (a blog about collage)

Hula Seventy (photography & general sillyness)

Postcards from... (photography, poetry)

In other news, there might be something to this no-coffee thing (today is day 4 of the de-coffee-ing process)...it's the final frontier in trying to get my groove back. So far gone are: gluten, dairy, sugar, booze...only thing left is my lovely, delicious AM coffee. Oh how I will miss you dark mistress of morning! Nothing can replace its thick, rich, smooth groove, but I have just found a lovely stand-in...and if all goes well, I will treat myself to an electric kettle to add to the enjoyment.

Kettle or not, it'll be worth it if the preliminary trend continues: Tues night I had a smidge of an inkling of a passing thought about the Park (i.e. exercise) and this is huge people. Then last night I actually broke out some paper and glue and paint & started on some backgrounds...for collage maybe or perhaps they'll end up in an assemblage. Who knows?! Point is, I had the motivation to get it out AND I put on some music & got my boogie going while I did. It's feeling good to feel the rumblings return. To be continued...

xoxo!