struggling

As usual, my notes from post to post varying so wildly. One post will be positive, hopeful, upbeat, the next post is usually the opposite (and months later than the previous).

I started working with a nutritional balancing practioner to address my underlying adrenal burnout a couple of months ago. I was hopeful at the prospect, as I'd read alot about it & found someone online who'd been through it & has been coming out the other end in a more healthful & positive light. But this protocol isn't about just getting better, as I'm finding, it's about deep, dark healing, which often times pushes you back before it propels you forward.

As such, I'm experiencing a bit of a relapse of sorts. Fatigue is finding me much easier, whereas just a couple of months ago, I was feeling a surge of renewed energy. It's a bit disheartening, yet I'm trying to keep in mind that it's actually part of the healing, so that I can keep hope alive as I muddle through. It's hard to do, when there's so much I want to do, but the easiest course is to settle into it and go with its flow rather than fight the current & resist.

I read the following on Sarah Wilson's blog today, which she borrowed from a UK thyroid support forum. I wish I would have written it myself, because I could have. It's so true & I wish everyone in my life could read & understand it...to better understand me. One of the most frustrating parts of this is that I don't look "sick," so I'm sure people have a hard time understanding exactly what it is I'm talking (aka whining) about.

Hi….My Name is Hashimoto’s, and I’m an Invisible Chronic Illness.
I am now velcroed to you for life. Others around you can’t see me or hear me, But YOUR body feels me. I can attack you anywhere and anyhow I please. I can cause severe pain or, if I’m in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over.

Remember when you and Energy ran around together and had fun? I took Energy from you, and gave you Exhaustion. Try to have fun now! I also took Good Sleep from you and, in its place, gave you Brain Fog. I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal. Oh, yeah, I can make you feel anxious or depressed, too. If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away, too. You didn’t ask for me. I chose you for various reasons: That virus you had that you never recovered from, or that car accident, or maybe it was the years of abuse and trauma. Well, anyway, I’m here to stay!

I hear you’re going to see a doctor who can get rid of me. I’m rolling on the floor, laughing. Just try. You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively. You will be put on pain pills, sleeping pills, energy pills, told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, given a TENs unit, get massaged, told if you just sleep and exercise properly I will go away, told to think positively, poked, prodded, and MOST OF ALL, not taken as seriously as you feel when you cry to the doctor how debilitating life is every day.

Your family, friends and co-workers will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and that I’m a debilitating disease. Some of them will say things like “Oh, you are just having a bad day” or “Well, remember, you can’t do the things you use to do 20 YEARS ago”, not hearing that you said 20 DAYS ago. Some will just start talking behind your back, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity trying to make them understand, especially when you are in the middle of a conversation with a “Normal” person, and can’t remember what you were going to say next!

In closing, (I was hoping that I kept this part a secret), but I guess you already found out…the ONLY place you will get any support and understanding in dealing with me is with Other People With Hashimoto’s.

So there you go...that's where I am today.

xoxo!

renewal...this year's intention

So I realize it's the beginning of the 3rd month of the year & I've yet to write about my word for 2012. This is a word of intention...the intention I want to set forth for the year ahead. Prior to the year starting, I reflect on this & choose a word/intention. This year it chose me...RENEWAL. Not only do I want it, and actually I just plain ol' need it, but more importantly I can feel it coming.

Renewal in all respects, but namely health, of course because without that, nothing else will follow. But also renewal of my working life. Time to move on from the desk job & into my passion job. And in both respects, the word is already working it's magic in my year. I have decided to focus on this intention word this year rather than creating a magical list of goals, like I've done in years past.

I have begun a new protocol for healing called Nutritional Balancing which involves hair tissue mineral analysis with a diet & supplement protocol to right the deep imbalances in my system causing my adrenal burnout/chronic fatigue/hormonal imbalances. I'm too new into the protocol to know the effects it will have on me, but in following others who have gone down this route, I'm hopeful it will not only help, but heal.

I have also been doing a bit of artwork again as well. I'm working on a piece a friend commissioned as a memorial piece commemorating her father as a gift to give to her mother. It's always a challenge to do memorial pieces & ironically the last 3 I've worked on have been, but also a challenge because my lack of energy greatly affects my creativity. But I have a deadline, so I'm making it happen & am happy I have that motivation to keep it going.

Plus, I have officially launched my dog training business. Now it's a very soft launch at this point...telling friends to tell friends kind of thing...but it's officially out in the world none the less! I already have 1 client, and I will let it ramp up on its own, hoping that my feeling better will coincide with it building. I don't want to rush it 1) because there is still alot I need to learn, and 2) I don't want to overwhelm myself since stress quickly sets me back physically.

So here I am...renewing my ass off! Ok, so maybe not quite that dramatic & believe me, I still have a long way to go (fatigue & a lack of gumption still plague me daily in spite of things going well around me), but it has been fun to see things unfold with just a bit of movement on my part. I'm learning that instead of forcing things, I just need to show up & the rest will come.

xoxo!

healing thoughts & gratitude

I know the word gratitude gets thrown around alot & it's something I've wanted to cultivate more for myself, but it's always felt somewhat forced for a naturally cynical person like me. Throughout my healing journey, I've read alot about body/mind connection & thoughts manifesting physically within the body...and I believe in it. I see it working in the negative in my life, so I'm finally...finally...willing to put it to work in the positive.

I'm going to attempt a daily journal again...it's been ages...to help get whatever thoughts out of my head, but also to begin transferring the negative, fearful thoughts into positive, healing, grateful thoughts.

I was introduced to Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life" long before I was officially "sick." And to be honest, I've struggled to grasp the concept of affirmations. It really does feel awkward (OK, downright silly even) at first, but if you sort of fake it, eventually it starts to feel authentic. The one thing I immediately identified with when I pulled the book out again early in my dealings with CFS, was The List. The list contains physical ailments, accompanied by the thought pattern creating it & the new thought pattern to reverse it. Here are my big ones:

Fatigue: resistance, boredom, lack of love for what one does (ummm hello, to-the-letter)

Adrenal Problems: defeatism, no longer caring for the self, anxiety (defeatism is often my middle name)

Bowel: fear of letting go of the old & no longer needed (I totally hold onto thing well passed their prime).

So along with my daily journaling, I'm going to focus on the "new thought pattern" for each to release the previous thoughts behind my specific health issues. We'll see how that works. I know that even after just one morning of finding some honest to goodness gratitude, the journaling likely helped me get through today by making some better choices for myself (like taking a 10 minute walk outside mid-afternoon instead of grabbing candy and/or a hot chocolate when I was feeling run down). And because it was so successful, I'm going to begin incorporating it into my daily schedule! Baby steps.

xoxo!

a bit of a bitch

I'm going to bitch today because I'm feeling frustrated...with a capital F.

I had a gloriously free & unexpected day off yesterday (due to "tropical storm Eduardo" which turned out to be just a rainy day) and I did nothing with the day becaues I felt so run down and shitty. I'd slept poorly because my back was killing me all night (which I'm pretty sure was due to some flour/sugar ingesting---when will I learn?!?).

Anyway, this is probably why I'm in a pissy mood too...the offending substances are making me irritable, like they usually do. And then I had some watermelon today & have spent the afternoon since lunch bloated & crampy. Is it candida? Who the hell knows.

I'm feeling sorry for myself too because I feel like it's always 1 step foward, 2 steps back. My mom has a friend who's gotten passed CFS and she put us in touch (I was very hopeful he'd have some great advice to impart), but so far it's just been the usual stuff I've already been trying. Then today I joined a ME/CFS group on Facebook (and it's great to be among people who understand), but it's made me realize there's a potentially long road to travel with this thing.

I need to get a meditation routine going...actually I feel like I just need A routine. I think it might help me feel like I have some control in all of this (there is that ever powerful "control" topic again)...or put another way, some say in getting myself well.

So if I put a daily routine together, what would/should/could I include?!?

hot lemon water (am)

journaling

yoga stretches & quiet meditation (30 mins total)

body brushing (pre-shower)

various supplements & digestive enzymes w/ breakfast

cider/honey drink (am)

supps & enzymes w/ lunch

aloe juice drink (pm)

walk after work with some light weights/stretching (ideally daily)

supps & enzymes w/ dinner

Epsom bath

sleep aid supps (melatonin & 5-HTP)

stretching & deep breathing

listen to soothing music & journal or read positive affirmation in bed

I'll need to revisit this & see what I can add, but this seems like a good start...and makes me feel alittle less scattered just for putting it down here.

pins & needles

I tried acupuncture for the first time yesterday. It was & wasn't what I expected.

I had been meaning to try it since 2006 when I had some people recommend it to help with my lower back problems & finally got around to asking my chiropractor if he could recommend anyone when visit after visit with him hadn't produced any lasting effects. Why it took me 2 years to finally get around to going is beyond me...but then again, so much of what I do/don't do is beyond me too.

I was, however, reading about some studies that had been done to treat mono with acupuncture. Apparently it had produced some fairly good results (atleast in the case of this study), so I was reminded that I'd been meaning to try this and on one particular day or feeling particularly shitty, I called to make an appointment at the one place my chiropractor had given me the name of.

And so the appointment day was yesterday & I went in, not knowing much of what to expect other than thin, tiny needles. I laid face down on a massage-like table & she put pins in me in various locations...crown of the head, base of the skull, upper spin, mid spine, lower spine, across the expanse of the lower back, around my knees & ankles, and even on one hand. Some of the points I could feel as pressed to find just the right spot to stick me. The areas, before the needles, were tender, like little bruises I didn't know were there. The needles themself didn't hurt although I could feel some more than others.

She was hitting spots for my immune system (to help w/ the mono, the fatigue, the sleep problems & digestive issues), as well as for my lower back pain as well. The specific spots met up with things like the gall bladder, liver & spleen, all of which I'd heard other practioners talk about showing signs of distress given my complaints & conditions. So atleast I knew she was operating under the same understandings & I had some consensus going with my alternative treatments.

I laid with the needles all along the back side of me for 45 minutes, floating in & out of relaxation with some ocean sounds playing in the background. All in all, she used about 40 needles. She didn't want to tell me, but I counted as she removed them. She said I should notice some improvment (in energy level especially) after one treatment, but that I would need several to get everything running smoothly again. I figured, even if I can just get a good night sleep or a good bowel movement or feel less depressed it will be worth the $70 & the 45 minutes.

So that was mid-day, and throughout the afternoon back at work I began to notice that my lower back wasn't being as troublesome as it normally is. I didn't need 1-2 minutes of trying to straighten up when getting up from my chair. Could it be? Didn't want to jinx it by even thinking such a thing. I had already decided that after work I would take a little heavier than normal walk in the neighborhood (these lbs that are creeping on are creeping me out & this "resting" is doing me NO good after 6 weeks, so onto plan B, I say). I took my dog (minus the flower from the other day) and we did a semi-power-walk for about 20 minutes & it was awesome...the sun, the sweat, the music in my ears, the cute houses in my neighborhood. I was loving every minute of it and was so glad I did it.

I was a bit tired-feeling the rest of the night, but no more so than any other lazy night of rest, so this was fine. Once in bed I tossed a bit to get to sleep (and mind you, my lower back was bothering me as usual), but I don't remember anything else from the night until about 5:00 when I was awoken by my fat, starvin cat. I put him off, made a trip to the bathroom which indicated I had not been up previously in the night to do so, and laid back down to dose just a bit more. I recalled some dreams I'd had...notably a tall, blonde Swedish hunk wooing me, and realized I probably slept through most, if not all, of the night. Could it be?!?

Now I'm not saying it's because of the actupunture, and I'm not saying it's not because of it either. Could be the placebo effect. Could be the power of suggestion. Could be that I did something else different that day. All I know is that if yesterday is any indication of how things can be, then I'm so very hopeful that my days can be collectively good again. I'm not there yet, but I definitely have a newer hope thanks to this new treatment.

hit & miss

I have been trying to figure out why I've felt so poorly for the better part of the last 6 years. It started with some digestive issues that developed in early 2000. After a couple of years, they were still lurking about, so I decided to start seeing a specialist to determine what was up. Nothing conclusive--IBS (i.e. we don't have a clue), eat more fibre & take this pill when it bothers you.

Well, it bothered me every day (at that point for 4 years already) & the fibre made me blow up like a basketball. Plus I was tired all the time & irritable.

NEXT... I half-heartedly tried diets to alleviate my symptoms. I seemed to do better with the low-carb stuff, but never great. I knew already dairy & I weren't the best of friends, but otherwise, it was still a mystery as some things helped & some other seeming similar things did not.

Plus, did I mention I was tired all the time & really irritable? And I had chronic lower back pain too?!?

I always chaulked it up to smoking--if I didn't smoke, I wouldn't feel so run down, I'd sleep better, I'd have more energy, I'd______. I finally quit smoking in February 2008, but I never started feeling any better. I gave it time, let the toxins work their way out, but still no improvement at all. I was angry--here I'd finally given up the thing I thought was my curse only to find I had to go without AND not feel better...and if anything, starting to feel slightly worse. I kept up with my exercise routine, walking instead of running. I thought I was getting lazy, but really I would wipe myself out by exercising one week, and not be able to muster the energy to do much of anything the next week.

So four years after my initial attempt (and plenty of anti-depressants, supplements, diets, exercises, not to mention therapists, nutritionists, chiropractors, massages, and medical specialists, later), I thought I should try yet again to find some (any) answers to why I felt so crappy all the time. I started with the gut again...for some reason, despite the myriad of weird symptoms I'd had over the years, my gut was telling me IT was the genesis of everything else. So I went to a new GI...one highly recommended, highly sought after, Mr. Big Time. He ran a couple of tests others had not & suggested others still further; however, he came back to the standard IBS diagnosis, but added that some of my other symptom sounded very similar to the patients he saw that had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (FM) & that I should think about seeing a specialist who dealt with that.

Thanks to a friend from work, I was pointed towards an internist who specialized in FM, as well as other similar psuedo- and auto-immune related disorders. She ran tests no one else had run, and sure enough, I was finally starting to get some answers. I have Epstien Barr virus & it's fun offspring Mononucleosis. I also have many other viral infections (Cytomegalovirus & HHV-6 to name 2)--all quite active, thank you very much. No wonder I've been "tired." My poor body had been working overtime (for who knows how much time now--years??) to fight these viruses round the clock, 24/7/365, in addition to fighting my normal bodily fights.

So what now? How do I start putting pieces back together so that I'm not so tired all the time, so that I can get back to being active, have anything other than indifference & malaise as personality traits, and be able to start embarking on the goals & dreams I have beyond my body & caring for it so that it can function in a way that lets me want to achieve anything beyond my current goal of "just making it through the day"?

And this is where my journey begins...

let the lessons begin

On the eve of my 37th birthday, I've decided to change directions with my blog a bit...okay, so I need a more direct direction to begin with, but whatever (as the kids like to say these days).

I started out with dig-it-designs as a means to explore my art interests & the art/creativity of others whose work I admire, enjoy, am amazed by. I started out strong with this & hope to still add to it, but I've since waned. The truth is that lately I've been struggling with some health issues and feeling very confused & heavy with thoughts of what to do, how to feel better, what it all means & so on. I'm kind of sick of "talking" about it & I'm sure my friends/family are sick of "hearing" about it. Plus there is just so much information I'm gathering to educate myself & better understand how to move forward. I figure this can be a great place for me to sort it out for myself & if in so doing I can provide information to anyone else, then all the better.

So here's to figuring it out...or atleast enjoying the journey a bit more.