Tuesday, September 13, 2011

the fog is lifting

taken on day 84 of my 365 self portrait challenge

Whew, I finally feel myself coming back [knock on wood]. I was losing hope there for awhile, and with that hope pieces of myself....my spark, creativity, joy, expectations.

But it's bubbling again. The creativity, the desire, the gumption to pursue good things. I almost hesitate to hope even still, fearing it will be like other times when I see a glimmer only to fade back into a dark fog. But for now atleast, I see glints of light again & they shine down into a hope I steadily carry through this CFS maze of unwellness & frustration.

The biggest change I feel is my creative flow coming back...the desire to write again, to make art, to take photographs, and express myself in any way I can. And in trying to decide where to put my energy again, it makes me realize I'm a "slasher"... you know, actor-slash-director or singer-slash-waitress-slash-dancer-slash-teacher. I've spent alot of my 40 years trying to figure out what to be, when the truth of the matter is, from a very young age, I've been a slasher...a dabbler in many things. I don't know if it's because I get bored easily or if I just have so many thoughts & ideas that one avenue isn't enough or if I don't give myself enough credit to go professional with anything [this last one is probably a huge cavernous thing to explore on its own].

Even though there is a certain serenity that comes from accepting myself as a slasher, one thing that is frustrating about it is never fully knowing where to put your energies. I always feel so pulled by different interests. Like a butterfly flitting from one pretty flower to another oh and look at that pretty purple bloom over there. All the flitting makes it hard to really hone any one craft...to get really good at something. Jack of all trades, master of none if you will. But the fact that I still want to do them all after feeling like doing nothing for so many years now, is inspiring enough for me today. And who says I have to be good at any of them, as long as I enjoy the pursuit of each?

Today I'm okay being a slasher...a part-time artist/wanna be writer/taker of random pictures/dog trainer in training/garden dreamer/linguist/teacher/appreciator of all of the above. To be continued...I sure do hope!


Saturday, August 6, 2011

Well of course I said I was back, but it's taken me several more months to actually come back here. I'd like to utilize this forum more, but I get distracted & caught up in the fact that there's really no rhyme or reason to this space. But whatever, right? Rhyme schmyme. Reason schmeason.

So instead of focusing on what I haven't been doing, here are a couple of things I have been doing.

Turning 40!
I was so ready to be done with the 30's...not the greatest decade.
I have high hopes for this next one.

And completing my trainer certification!
Apparently I'm official now although I feel I still need some additional hands-on work to really get out there & start making it happen.

And going to Germany!!
My mom & I went back to where it all began & had a great time.
I was born in Aschaffenburg Germany 40 years ago!

Otherwise, I'm actually still trying to get back into the swing of things since the trip (which was back in late June...it takes me awhile, what can I say?) Prior to & during the early parts of Germany, I was feeling pretty good. I was getting to the Park a couple of times a week to exercise (and then not crashing after) & maintaining a fairly brisk pace throughout the trip. But food was nutty on the trip (can you say Nutella & bread everyday for breakfast?) & my energy really started to lag midway through....and honestly, it's continued lagging ever since returning home...i.e. back to the dreaded workworld.

My attitude about this has been less than stellar, I have to admit, yet I'm seeing some light at the end of this dark tunnel. Perhaps a return to Austin is in my more-immediate future than once previously thought...stay tuned for more on that. A bit more waiting is in order, but my intentions have been set & the wheels are in motion. Patience isn't my strongest suit, but I'm mustering as much as I can while I wait it out. It also helps that, in my mind, I'm already planning my going away party! :)


Saturday, July 2, 2011

pssst....coming back

a view along the Main River, Aschaffenburg Germany

For those who have visited & inquired about my whereabouts--thank you. I don't know who most of you Anonymous(es) are, but thank you for checking in.

I'm just back from a trip to Germany which has re-invigorated me & inspired me to get back to blogging...even in spite of the potential that "the stalker" may see/follow along. I will be posting pics & thoughts from my trip very soon (with over 1300 pictures to download/upload/detail, it's proving quite the undertaking to get them online in some descriptive way)...as well as thoughts on my upcoming 40th birthday & what I've been up to (or not up to as is probably more accurate) since I last posted in February. Stay tuned--if you dare!


Thursday, February 17, 2011

mom is where the heart is

mom is where the heart is

A new piece, made for a friend's 40th birthday in remembrance of her mother, using old silverware she passed down. This is the first piece I've completed since my show in Nov '09...and hopefully will not be the last in 2011.

I've had a hankering for more collage-y type things, so we'll see.


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

giving vs getting

4 : 365 photo for my 365 self-portrait challenge

Today while I was getting an uber unhealthy lunch at Whataburger (seriously why I do I do these things to myself...now I have a cold sore & stopped up sinuses?) there was a teeny tiny old lady in front of me. I'd seen her there before with her osteo hunchback keeping her at barely 4 ft tall & her tiny doll-like hands carrying plastic bags and counting out change to pay for her food.

Today she was asking the cashier how much this would be or what if she just got that. Once decided, $2.01 was her total & she dug in her plastic grocery-style bags for her wallet, and then into that for her money. She paid with a $20 bill + a penny. She obviously had the cash on her to buy any combo of food on the menu; however, I imagined that she is on a tight;limited income & obviously had to make that $20 last if she was buying the least expensive option available.

She took a long time to order & pay, and probably had it been anyone else, I would have been impatient about it, getting quietly angrier the more time that passed. But for a little old lady, struggling to still be out in the world, wanting nothing more than a junior sized hamburger for her Tuesday lunch, I suddenly had all the time in the world.

I too only have a set amount I can spend on lunch each day...i.e. $0.00, but some days I ignore this (as well as my dietary restrictions). Not only did I pay for my $5.00 meal, but I decided to buy a gift card and put money on it as well. I debated it in my head as I stood at the cash register ordering. I mean, it wasn't alot in the grand scheme of things, but it was definitely alot more than I was planning to spend on lunch for myself. "Just do it, it's nothing...what will matter more in 5 years, spending this money or doing something kind?" I thought. So I did.

I presented the lady with the card after I got my food. I told her I'd seen her in there before & I wanted to give her alittle gift so that the next few times she comes in, she can get whatever she wants. I worried that I'd offend her. I worried that she wouldn't understand. I worried that the amount wasn't enough. But she was so delighted. Her face lit up and she took the card in her hand and looked at it like it had sparkley ribbons & bows on it, then looked at me, smiling and said "thank you so much." She gave me a big hug, bigger than I would have imagined from this tiny little lady, and I felt tears start to well up in my eyes as we embraced. I wished her a happy new year and tried to exit as quickly as I could before I really started crying in the middle of a crowded dining room.

I don't know why I got so emotional in the moment...crying emotional versus just smiling emotional. I wondered as I walked off who needed what more--her the money or me the hug.


Saturday, January 1, 2011

2011...bring it on!


photo via BBC tv by the fabulous D.Wills, London, UK

I'm soooo ready for 2011. In addition to my word/intention for next year, I shall forge ahead with my list of t0-do's. I have to say, I'm pretty excited about this grouping!

1) 365 self-portrait challenge
2) read 1 book per month--or atleast with some regularity
3) monthly photo assignment
4) go to Germany to revisit my birthplace for my birthday
5) improve photography skills/knowledge
6) let go of unfulfilling relationships + nurture/create fulfilling ones
7) submit 3 short stories for publication
8) finish 2010 NaNoWriMo novel draft
9) stretch
10) get a sewing machine
11) make more mosaics
12) return to buying myself flowers
13) drink more whiskey
14) wear more hats
15) get a Pentax K1000
16) turn 40! gotta throw in an easy one
17) launch dog training business
18) open an Etsy shop
19) take 1 self-trip (out of state [CA] or country [UK])
20) let the glass be half full for a change

Maybe it's the veil of hope that a new year brings, but pretty much every single one of those is feeling TOTALLY doable to me right now. Mostly I'm just looking forward to seeing what transpires...I'm along for the ride this year! Hope your ride has nice scenery this year.