Friday, May 28, 2010

still missing...sort of

I've not been very on top of "thankful fridays," but this week, as I'm over here spinning in my own blahs, I think I really need to try to find gratitude amidst some disappointments this week.

I hope to have some pictures and more meaty posts to share over the weekend (nothing major, mind you, just not hiding), so if anyone's still out there, stay tuned.

In the mean time, check out this quiet yet amazing little video if you have a few minutes. I am thankful for this on this Friday (and thankful it's the Friday before a 3-day holiday weekend here in the US).


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

missing in action

photo found here

Well missing, but not much action. I've been staying a bit under the radar recently. Mostly due to my usual "blah's" & mostly due to not much to say...although I do have pics & a recap of my annual Mother's Day weekend get-away with mom that I'd like to document & share here, but that requires coordination of text & photos, something that is beyond my capabilities at the moment (apparently).

I've been neglecting my art e-course assignments. I've not been creating any of my own art (although I did find out the same people that did my art show last year are doing another this November they want to includ me in). I've been a bit more social lately, which is good on many levels. And I'm re-committing to efforts to feel better. I've been off the meds for almost a month & can really tell a difference in starting to slip back to not feeling so great, so I've got an appointment with the Doc on Monday to see what we can do (meds again or something else?!) , plus I'm embarking on The UltraSimple Diet to help sorta detox & get me on track (taking all my stats for that [weight + measurements] was deflating, but motivating). So the frustrating hamster wheel of a search to get better continues...frustratingly so!

But I'm trying not to let it get me down...or atleast keep me down.

I did make it to the park on Monday for my power walk & made a new friend who I have a walking date with on Friday. We kept challenging each other the majority of the walk (she first past me up & my "oh no you didn't" caused me to charge ahead & pass her up & on & was actually rather funny to see us at it--in the end, we decided we were good for each other & perhaps will have a regular schedule of walking together).


Thursday, May 6, 2010

living in...Living, Etc.

I simply ADORE multi-patterned couches...and these bright colors in this bright room just brighten my mood immediately

I LOVE Living, Etc. magazine. I found it on the magazine racks in UK once & when I discovered the website, I knew I could be transported into my perfect design world at the click of a mouse all the way over here in the US.

such a cute, clever, colorful idea...the magazine & website are PACKED with them

But there's just something about holding a magazine in your hands, flipping pages, and opening it back up to your FAVORITE featured residence time & time again.

oh my...this almost peacock luxurious...I can feel the bubbles tickling my skin

Trouble was, the international subscription was just a smidge out of my realistic budget--I mean I could have afforded it, but I couldn't justify affording it. I casually mentioned to my UK BFF that if he ever ran across one, if he wouldn't mind picking it up and shipping it to me whenever.

I could do some serious reading & writing in this's so cozy yet cool

This was before I realized that Borders sold it. But before I knew it, I had Living, Etc.'s arriving in my mailbox monthly. My BFF had graciously bought me the international subscription (I know, he's awesome like that)...and I am now receiving them faster than I could savor them.

there is just so much to love about this living room...the color, the stuff, the causal elegance...SIGH!

I just simply LOVE so much about the magazine. With the demise of mags such as Cottage Living and Domino, my love affair with interior publications has been waning. I'm big on electic and colorful and the Brits do both so well.

this kitchen is just so IT for me...Iactually feel whole (and home) when I see this image!

When I open up each issue, I just submerge myself in the beauty, the cleverness, and the cozyness of each interior...whether modern or bohemian or traditional...something about each style speaks to my taste and I can so totally see & feel myself living inside the pages each and every time.

This bedroom is so ME...I might do the walls a smidge of a darker grey, but I could soooo get used to waking up here every day!

Perhaps it also feeds my long-standing dream of living part-time in the UK. For a hundred + pages, I can pretend and daydream and envision that life for myself. It makes it feel more achievable somehow.
the whimsy of these purple chairs, the structure of those honeycomb patterned walls & windows...I mean, c'mon!

If I could build my perfect house, these pictures would be exactly what it would be built from. Gosh I actually get a little giddy-feeling inside thinking of a house with each of these it could actually be possible. A girl can dream, right?! Oh and dream she does.

the rose colored wall, the frills & brick & wood & controlled chaos--it speaks to my heart & my soul & begs me to sit & have coffee

The power of intention is a beautiful, magical thing...I mean, I asked for an issue here/there & I got a personal subscription. Maybe by curating this little grouping of images, I can manifest my dream home too!


Monday, May 3, 2010


me (hiding) on a visit back to Austin 2008

I've been thinking about "hiding" lately, especially because my word/intention for this year is VISIBILITY.

I think when I chose that word, I didn't realize how vastly applicable it was to me & what I've been needing. I sorta thought maybe it just meant I needed to make more friends, go out a bit more, meet boys, and maybe get my artwork out there. And it does. But it also means that I want to stop hiding.

Yes I have been dealing with a condition known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (it's a real condition--it doesn't just mean I'm lazy or not sleeping enough or burning the candle at both ends--it means I'm sick on a cellular level, possibly viral or otherwise). This has kept me cooped up & unavailable in ways I've never experienced before...except once.

When I was 10/11 yrs old, I broke my leg one year at summer camp. Prior to going away to camp that year, I was told by my parents that they were getting a divorce. This was the early 80's and while divorce was a somewhat familiar word in those days, I didn't know very many friends (maybe one) whose parents were divorced. While I was away at camp, they separated, divided the house, and mom moved out. When I returned early from camp with a broken leg & hard plaster up to my groin, it was not longer "home." I simply came back to the house I lived in. It was totally different, emotionally empty, and for the remainder of that summer, I sat in it virtually alone.

So it's no wonder that when I started feeling puny a few years ago, chronically unable to muster any mojo for even life's simpliest tasks like sweeping and dog walking, my psyche reverted back to that 11 yr old girl, alone in a house, stuck in a recliner, in front of the TV, surrounded by sugary snacks, fizzy drinks & bologna sandwiches (because crutching back & forth to the kitchen & hauling food each time was not an option), watching MTV & soap operas, instead of out riding her bike, playing with friends, and swimming in the sunshine all day long like she normally did. TV and food became my companions & loneliness became my MO. Oh and did I had that damn cast on for 9 months & that at the tail end of it, I started my in for the first time ever?

Yeah, it was a pretty shitty summer!

So as I've started to emerge from the haze of CFS, it's slow & gradual & I'm not totally there yet, I'm trying to un-alone myself. It has been very easy to become 11 again, pained loss (of my family), unable to move around or enjoy what was normally enjoyable. I can see too how it's fed myy hiding behind a long distance relationship that hasn't been serving me in as many positive ways as it once had. Afterall, it was easier to send emails & do phone calls than actually have to go out & be "on" & date, so I guess it served a purpose for awhile, but not any longer. I'm sure too, I didn't want to suffer another loss since my very first loss was so life-altering for me.

I am trying to reach out to more people, enagage in more things, build some sort of a community, even it's with strangers online, and find my way back to things I enjoy. I'm commenting on blogs more, making more plans with friends who energize me, even going on a date or two here/there, and generally saying yes to a few more opportunities. Visibility to me is turning into not hiding. That might sound intuitive to many, but I guess for me, stuck inside my the hermit shell I originally created at 11 yrs old & moved back into at 36, I wasn't able to see how much I've been creaving actually being seen.