the fog is lifting

taken on day 84 of my 365 self portrait challenge

Whew, I finally feel myself coming back [knock on wood]. I was losing hope there for awhile, and with that hope pieces of myself....my spark, creativity, joy, expectations.

But it's bubbling again. The creativity, the desire, the gumption to pursue good things. I almost hesitate to hope even still, fearing it will be like other times when I see a glimmer only to fade back into a dark fog. But for now atleast, I see glints of light again & they shine down into a hope I steadily carry through this CFS maze of unwellness & frustration.

The biggest change I feel is my creative flow coming back...the desire to write again, to make art, to take photographs, and express myself in any way I can. And in trying to decide where to put my energy again, it makes me realize I'm a "slasher"... you know, actor-slash-director or singer-slash-waitress-slash-dancer-slash-teacher. I've spent alot of my 40 years trying to figure out what to be, when the truth of the matter is, from a very young age, I've been a slasher...a dabbler in many things. I don't know if it's because I get bored easily or if I just have so many thoughts & ideas that one avenue isn't enough or if I don't give myself enough credit to go professional with anything [this last one is probably a huge cavernous thing to explore on its own].

Even though there is a certain serenity that comes from accepting myself as a slasher, one thing that is frustrating about it is never fully knowing where to put your energies. I always feel so pulled by different interests. Like a butterfly flitting from one pretty flower to another oh and look at that pretty purple bloom over there. All the flitting makes it hard to really hone any one craft...to get really good at something. Jack of all trades, master of none if you will. But the fact that I still want to do them all after feeling like doing nothing for so many years now, is inspiring enough for me today. And who says I have to be good at any of them, as long as I enjoy the pursuit of each?

Today I'm okay being a slasher...a part-time artist/wanna be writer/taker of random pictures/dog trainer in training/garden dreamer/linguist/teacher/appreciator of all of the above. To be continued...I sure do hope!

xoxo!

prosperity*

Last year, with Unravelling, I set a word for the year...an intention with which to live. For 2010 it was "visibility"...both to be seen & to see clearly. I think I accomplished this in some ways, if not exactly in the ways I anticipated.

I de-lurked on most of the blogs I rely on daily to get me through the 9-5 grind by commenting regularly. I Facebook "friended" many online folks (mostly from aforementioned Unravelling) and got to know them better & let them alittle closer into my world. I added more contacts on Flickr & joined in on a few online groups/classes. Plus I tried to be more real & consistent on this blog, even though I question often why I have this silly thing. As for the seeing clearly part...well there was definitely some of that, although nothing that was knock-you-over-the-head EUREKA! kinda stuff, but good nuggets that helped me climb up a bit. I hope to continue letting visibility guide me into another year as well.

But with a new year comes a new view...a new mission, if you will. This year my intention, my word, is PROSPERITY...yes, in big capital letters please!

*Prosperity: a successful, thriving or flourishing condition. (ahhhh, it just makes me feel full when I read that)

I think often times we associate prosperity with financial success. And that is definitely part of my intention (throw me a bone here too Universe). I am choosing this word for more encompassing reasons. I also want to draw prosperity into my life for health, heart & my pending pursuits. I want to put my chronic fatigue behind me. I want to heal my heart-wounds & approach life more wholeheartedly. I want to dive head first into starting my dog training business & kick up some dust with my art & writing, so I can escape the cube once & for all. I want to set fear aside, so I can thrive, succeed & flourish for a change.

I'm staring down the barrel at 40 this July. The thing is, I'm not freaking out or ashamed or dreading it at all because I can feel that thing I've heard so many before me say...that this stage in life brings you to who you're meant to be. I've felt it brewing already and I can feel in my bones every step I take these days...the growing pains have already started, but they're good, like soreness after a really good workout. I have been living at 75% for too many years now & it's definitely time to prosper!

xoxo!

baby steps

Along the lines of my last post about "enoughness," I realized this mindset of perfectionism stops me in my tracks far too often. Take photography for example, often times I do not get out to snap pictures because I struggle with "what kind of photos do I want to take?" Do I take the Holga, the Polaroid, or the a digital (which is on me always). Many times I won't stop to take that picture because I don't have "the right" camera on me or because I'm not sure how to get what I want from the camera I do have on me.

Now, I'm not a Photographer with a capital P. I took photography in high school (I learned to roll, process & print my own film), I had some photographer friends in college (who were into groovy "art photography" and who introduced me to the photography of people like Robert Maplethorpe & Sally Mann), and even took a basic photo 101 class to fulfill an art credit here or there (learned rules of composition & very little else due to intimidation). And that was that...until now, until I saw everyday people taking extraordinary photos of common everyday things, during their everyday lives. And I thought--I want to do that. I see things. I want to capture those things. I will do it through a camera.

And then things start to get all complicated (unnecessarily so)...how do I make photos that look like that, cameras--how many different ones will I buy, I must find "cool" things to shoot now, why don't mine look like hers/his...etc. And guess what--the pleasure of simply capturing the everyday started to slowly slip out of it, like the air of post-birthday balloon, the fun factor began deflating.

Don't get me wrong...I LOVE with a capital L the various effects taking photos (especially with film) with various types of cameras can produce. I bought a Holga about a year ago & have been snapping away, yet to get any of the film processed because damn is it complicated & expensive. I have gone a couple of rounds with various Polaroids (a bum SX-70 & a champ of a 600 & a yet tried Sonar). My English BFF even sent me a found Kodak Duaflex from his father's attic, which sits proudly on my shelf. And now an old Minolta 35 mm that a friend gave me of her grandfather's which has probably never been used. But as with most things, the more choices, the harder the decision.

So this is a long way of saying that I decided just to pop out my little snap & shoot digital camera & take it on my evening dog walk. The same dog walk that day-after-day finds me saying "oh, I wish I had my camera" and "oh I HAVE GOT to remember to bring Holga/Pola/Minnie (although this chick is maxie) back to shoot this." I won't say I took THE MOST stellar photos, but I took some damn photos & that is my damn point.

It's about baby steps...about just doing it to do it, not to take the nobel peace prize winning photo (not sure if they even give prizes for that) or the most blogged about photo or the gallery-worthy photo. Just to look at life through the lense and push the button just because. The same will go for my art, my writing, and whatever else I decide I want to put my grubby little hands into & play with. As my health feels like it's improving (fingers crossed, knock on wood, religious chest cross) & I'm actually finding myself creativity capable of doing, this is how I shall roll...one unintentional step at a time.

xoxo!

i get it already

A chap called Landon commented on a post the other day: "quit kicking yourself, girl." Now mind you, Landon doesn't know me nor do I know him. Nor does he know how many times in my life I have heard this or something along the lines of this.

Honestly I don't know where this self-berating comes from (notice how closely the words "berating" and "beating" are--just add/remove an "R"). The thing is, 99.9% of the time I don't even know I'm doing it & even have a hard time recognizing it after someone points it out.

It's weird too because I think I'm a great gal. I think I have alot going for me: I'm smart, fairly attractive, talented, hip, funny, loyal, introspective, adventurous, empathetic, good at several things, knowlegable about a few things, interested in even more things, etc, etc. I guess the problem lies that somewhere deep down, perhaps I don't think I'm each of those things enough. That's all I can gather as to why I'm so fucking hard on myself when there really is no reason why I ought to be. I am also equally adept at the back-handed self-compliment or deflector of the external compliment. Someone compliments me on something, say my art, and instead of thank you, I come back with "well, I haven't made any in awhile" as if somehow that's supposed to negate what I have in fact already done...?

What is this about? Why do I cut myself off before I can own the good of me? I could go into a kazzilion & one reasons why this might be, but what's the point in that? Why not just name it & then stop doing it instead? So this is what I shall focus on...naming the good, claiming the successes, and leaving it at that without the backhanded bullshit. Yes indeedy!

xoxo!

nothingness

I'm not sure why I'm keeping this blog anymore...I'm not often inspired to write here very often, I don't feel I have much to say (aside from complaining about health stuff & the lack of creativity that ensues).

And speaking of that lack of creativity...I feel the desire to do so (both art & writing..and even photography), but I just am not doing any of it. Again I can blame it on the health woes (just feeling blah, no energy--not so sure the thyroid treatment itself is doing the trick) or on my studies for the dog training, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm just not creating...even when I do have time. And it's pissing me off...and frustrating me...and getting me a bit down lately.

That is all...

xoxo!

the perfect protest

Ugh, perfection...what a load of horseshit, eh? But we buy into it...over & over & over again. It keeps us stuck in that belief rut of not-enough-ness...not ______ enough (fill in the blank with whatever: smart, skinny, pretty, successful, sexy, lovable, funny, hardworking, tough, gentle, serious, silly, tall, curvy, athletic, graceful....blah blah blah, the list is never-ending)!

Enough with the not-enough-ness. Enough with this lie of perfection. Thanks to Brene Brown's call to action with "the perfect protest" and her new book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are maybe we can all learn to relearn what it means to be real. And that is an awesome truth if you ask me.

And you know what else is awesome...I know what I'm buying EVERYONE for Christmas this year! :)

xoxo!

hiding

me (hiding) on a visit back to Austin 2008

I've been thinking about "hiding" lately, especially because my word/intention for this year is VISIBILITY.

I think when I chose that word, I didn't realize how vastly applicable it was to me & what I've been needing. I sorta thought maybe it just meant I needed to make more friends, go out a bit more, meet boys, and maybe get my artwork out there. And it does. But it also means that I want to stop hiding.

Yes I have been dealing with a condition known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (it's a real condition--it doesn't just mean I'm lazy or not sleeping enough or burning the candle at both ends--it means I'm sick on a cellular level, possibly viral or otherwise). This has kept me cooped up & unavailable in ways I've never experienced before...except once.

When I was 10/11 yrs old, I broke my leg one year at summer camp. Prior to going away to camp that year, I was told by my parents that they were getting a divorce. This was the early 80's and while divorce was a somewhat familiar word in those days, I didn't know very many friends (maybe one) whose parents were divorced. While I was away at camp, they separated, divided the house, and mom moved out. When I returned early from camp with a broken leg & hard plaster up to my groin, it was not longer "home." I simply came back to the house I lived in. It was totally different, emotionally empty, and for the remainder of that summer, I sat in it virtually alone.

So it's no wonder that when I started feeling puny a few years ago, chronically unable to muster any mojo for even life's simpliest tasks like sweeping and dog walking, my psyche reverted back to that 11 yr old girl, alone in a house, stuck in a recliner, in front of the TV, surrounded by sugary snacks, fizzy drinks & bologna sandwiches (because crutching back & forth to the kitchen & hauling food each time was not an option), watching MTV & soap operas, instead of out riding her bike, playing with friends, and swimming in the sunshine all day long like she normally did. TV and food became my companions & loneliness became my MO. Oh and did I had that damn cast on for 9 months & that at the tail end of it, I started my period...as in for the first time ever?

Yeah, it was a pretty shitty summer!

So as I've started to emerge from the haze of CFS, it's slow & gradual & I'm not totally there yet, I'm trying to un-alone myself. It has been very easy to become 11 again, pained loss (of my family), unable to move around or enjoy what was normally enjoyable. I can see too how it's fed myy hiding behind a long distance relationship that hasn't been serving me in as many positive ways as it once had. Afterall, it was easier to send emails & do phone calls than actually have to go out & be "on" & date, so I guess it served a purpose for awhile, but not any longer. I'm sure too, I didn't want to suffer another loss since my very first loss was so life-altering for me.

I am trying to reach out to more people, enagage in more things, build some sort of a community, even it's with strangers online, and find my way back to things I enjoy. I'm commenting on blogs more, making more plans with friends who energize me, even going on a date or two here/there, and generally saying yes to a few more opportunities. Visibility to me is turning into not hiding. That might sound intuitive to many, but I guess for me, stuck inside my the hermit shell I originally created at 11 yrs old & moved back into at 36, I wasn't able to see how much I've been creaving actually being seen.

xoxo!

boys are stoopid...dogs are better!

pillow tower
Originally uploaded by k.tucker artworks

So as I mentioned in my last post, I took a turn at re-entering the dating world. Thought all was good, was in a bit of a happy dating haze (daring to feel hopeful), and then boom...nothing from the guy, not a peep, nothing, nada!

It reminded me why I've been holding off dating for the last 2+ years...boys are just stupid! :) Okay, maybe not entirely, but they are freakin' frustrating & maddening, and so I think I'm just going to stick to hanging with my dog for awhile...continuing with my writing, returning to art, planning a future without factoring a man in.

Plus I mean, how friggin' cute is she on her pillow tower?!?

xoxo!

is there a point?

I'm starting to wonder what the point of this here blog is anyway. I haven't been keeping up with it as much as I'd like...partly from not having anything positive to say most days & partly from not having anything particularly creative to share.

I get blasts of inspiration, not just for the blog but life, and then I sorta settle back into my routine of not doing anything about it. It's interesting because even though I do think I'm feeling more steadily energized and a bit more mentally positive, the rut that I've become accustomed to through 2+ years of sustained lethargy is tough to snap out of even now that I feel capable of snapping. I'm sure like anything, it'll take time to re-establish routines, re-nurture a creative schedule, and re-learn what productivity means to me. I'm just so damn impatient.

Anywhoooo, I am enjoying my e-writing class. It's HARD though! But it seems to be satisfying my creative yearnings for the time being, even if it means I'm still not making any new art which means not getting closer to opening an Etsy shop. But all in good time, right? Hmmph, fine!

xoxo!

visibility

me trying to be more visible

It's funny because my intention word for 2010 is VISIBILITY, yet since the beginning of the year, I have been a bit invisible on this blog. In my own (partial) defense--I have not been feeling great since getting back to work after the holidays & I've been Unravelling which has taken up some of my online time.

But back to my word: I chose visibility for two reasons: 1) to be seen, and 2) to see clearly.

The truth is, I have been hiding out in a sense for the last couple of years with not feeling well, going through some stuff, etc, etc. But it's gotten lonely & as much as I feel people around me don't understand & I get sick of explaining or excusing myself to them, I know I need people in my life. And more than that, I want a partner in my life.

Along those lines, I want to be more visible to find a partner. I want to get rid of the residual hesitation and unsurity and questions & be open to the right person coming into me life. But he can't find me if he can't see me!

I also want to be seen for who I truly am, not for the facades I put on because of some of the roles I've chosen to play like "office worker" "paralegal" "troubled/sad/lonely girl". That's not to say I don't show people the real me, I do, but more often than not, I'm presenting a part of myself that I don't want to be a part of anymore, so it feels unreal & inauthentic.

The same goes for my art--I have to put it out there to get seen. And doing this will help me with presenting a truer me to the world.

In addition to being seen, I want to see clearly--I want to be able to trust my intuition/inner voice, see the signs of life beckoning me deeper in, hear the directions and answers to the questions and concerns I have about what to do, where to go, how to do it. I want to stop second-guessing myself & staying paralyzed because I can't see which way to jump. This goes for everything: finding a partner (and not making the same mistakes I have in the past), career change (and not making the same mistakes I have in the past), and overall life decisions in general (trying more, being less afraid, leaping without worrying).

So after being invisible here for a few days (so much that "anonymous" commented just to check in on me--thank you for caring btw), I am hoping to put my visibility to action on this blog...and let the rest be seen in its due time!

xoxo!

detach here

found image blogged about here

Been feeling a bit detached lately. I'm really noticing it more than other times because I started my e-course off with a bang & full of excitement & interest & connections, but I have been finding myself drifting a bit this last week, not only from it, but from so much of my new years momentum & cheer. And really from myself, if I had to be perfectly honest.

I spent this past week in a constant state of grumbles...out of sorts, irritable, moody, easily agitated. I thought it was hormones because it was sorta that time & then it wasn't that time anymore yet the grumbles still clung to me from morning til night. And actually they clobbered me & held me hostage all.weekend.long, creating another unproductive & icky sort of weekend for me.

I hate to do this & blame it on yet another "food thing," but I really believe it's sugar working its evil magic on me. We just don't think along, yet I can't seem to accept this proven fact. I think it makes me crazy & depressed & unmotivated & sad & lazy & angry & weepy & lost. It's the only way I can explain feeling up & hopeful & content, only to come crashing down with nothing external changing to prompt the spiral into a dark abyss.

I had been doing really well keeping the sugar at bay up through the holidays, but I know exactly where it all turned around. A sip of champagne for a friend's birthday...and that was really all it took. The next morning I had a teeny bite of same friend's birthday cake icing (because I can't eat the cake) and the following day a handful of legal gluten-free cookies for my drive back home. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I've been noticing that it has crept back into my life in subtle ways...a bite of something here, a piece of something there, a handful of these that one time, then a package of those another time...until I look back & realize it's been in my day every day for several days...and I am lying curled up on the couch all bloody day, for mulitple days in a row, feeling lazy & useless & sad & angry & inconsolably tired, trying to figure out where it all went wrong in my life (btw: I'm not speaking metaphorically) ...when really, it only went wrong when I had that sip of champagne which led to all the other little morsels of sugar that assaulted me & took me hostage.

So back on the wagon to being sugar free...which means alcohol free...which right now seems pretty f*cking boring, but alas, feeling so crappy isn't really a barrel of monkeys either. One day I'm going to learn.

xoxo!

i've started to Unravel

Unravelling, the e-course, has begun for me! I'm really excited about this little online adventure, as well as the chance to get to know all the lovely-sounding souls who are also participating. Will post more later as it...well, unravels!

xoxo!

11th Hour Christmas Request

Dear Santa,

I had a post all written about Christmas blues...not blue about Christmas, but getting down on myself w/ some guilt about not being in the "gift giving" spirit, etc, etc.

However today I am in a fantastic mood & have called bullshit on all that guilt-crap & just ready to enjoy the little bit of holiday festivities I am inviting in.

I not big on the whole spending/buying spirit that seems to be what the holidays are mostly about...I don't make a list of wants to give to my family & friends, and in fact, I ask that nobody feel obligated to get me anything. But this year, I want to make a list to Santa himself...for a couple of things that cannot be bought in the stores or even online (gasp, is there anything that can't be bought online?!)

So this year, I make a last-minute, Christmas Eve request to the jolly man in red:

1) the courage to follow my dreams & believe in myself: in work, in love, in life;

2) the opportunities to make new friends & nuture the friends I'm blessed to already have;

3) and something akin to one of these wouldn't hurt either:

xoxo!

i'm not mistaken

me at Caernarfon Castle, 2009

I read this line today from writer Ann Lamott:
You have to make mistakes to find out who you aren't. You take the action, the insight follows: you don't think your way into becoming yourself.

I've made some mistakes in my life...oh boy, have I. But who hasn't, right? And for some reason I have chosen to berate myself about yet another bad choice made rather than seeing it as "okay, I can check that off the list."

Often I have cursed my decision to move to Houston from Austin 8 years ago...I have blamed alot on that "mistake." But the truth is, yes some not great things have transpired here & I suffered one of the greatest betrayls/heartbreaks of my life followed by a few others & one disappointing abandonment and some other shitty little happenings. BUT also alot of really great things have happened that wouldn't have otherwise.

I wouldn't have had the need to learn to travel alone (thus never going to St. Thomas and DC and Costa Rica and UK to finally meet my penpal of 20 yrs) or been forced to find an outlet for my abundance of alone time, which means I probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to be mentored, hands-on, in metal work & most likely wouldn't have subsequently found my art, had an art show and connected with some great artists online. I wouldn't have met some of the wonderful souls who've made living in Houston doble......and I could go on & on. But the point is, had I not made the "mistake" of moving to Houston, I don't know what experiences I would have missed out on.

So the truth is, I learn more about myself when I try something, anything than when I sit back wondering (i.e. overanalyzing) what I should/shouldn't try next.

Must keep remembering this when the "what-if" gremlins start doing their dance...and put in Sliding Doors for an afternoon watch!

xoxo!

doing your dream

write out loud, assemblage by me

I've been talking alot about dreams lately...and not the in-your-sleep, what-the-hell-was-that-about kind, but rather the wide-awake-in-your-authentic-self kind. I guess it's because not only am I actively attempting to tap into the power of intention--putting in out there so that it manifests for you--but also trying to wrap myself around what exactly it is that I want to be/do with my life.

I've been feeling a growing sense of it all passing me by lately. I don't know if it's from my CFS making me feel so damn useless or the fact that I'm creeping ever so close to 40 or the fact that I've chosen not to have children. But I'm restless...and searching for whatever it is that will settle this feeling of not living up to my potential.

There are certain things that I secretly wish I could be/do, but that I not-so-secretly know I won't likely invest in making them happen. Like becoming a professional dancer (ballroom would be awesome, but just being able to move beautifully in any capacity would be great). Or speaking mulitple languages fluently (French, German, Spanish would be enough). Or chucking it all to be a do-gooder in foreign lands.

But beyond the list of truly (for me) pie in the sky pretend wants, there are a whole slew of could-be-possible-if-I-could-just-figure-IT-outs. And by IT I mean the one (1) (singular) thing that is doable, and that I'm in love with enough to bust my ass at it, and that can earn me a living all at the same time. And I'm okay if it's not 1, singular thing...maybe it's a tightly knit combination of 2-3 things...but I want it to an obvious grouping, not baker/furniture maker/artist/dog trainer/writer.

And dammit, I'm going to keep rambling about it til I figure it out.

xoxo!

missing kissing

lips

You know that soul feasting, mouth watering, lip devouring kissing that only happens when the passion & the partner come together in a hungry dance of unquenchable union?!

I've only had 2 partners who have been my ulimate kissing twin...whose kisses were so all-consuming that we could carry on in a lip embrace for hours, mouths melting into each other like mercury, breathes taken in syncronicity, with a hunger to consume the other driving each oral movement. The kind of kissing where intercourse can only serve as mere punctuation to the flowery prose written in kisses.

Yeah, I miss that...

xoxo!