Monday, May 3, 2010


me (hiding) on a visit back to Austin 2008

I've been thinking about "hiding" lately, especially because my word/intention for this year is VISIBILITY.

I think when I chose that word, I didn't realize how vastly applicable it was to me & what I've been needing. I sorta thought maybe it just meant I needed to make more friends, go out a bit more, meet boys, and maybe get my artwork out there. And it does. But it also means that I want to stop hiding.

Yes I have been dealing with a condition known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (it's a real condition--it doesn't just mean I'm lazy or not sleeping enough or burning the candle at both ends--it means I'm sick on a cellular level, possibly viral or otherwise). This has kept me cooped up & unavailable in ways I've never experienced before...except once.

When I was 10/11 yrs old, I broke my leg one year at summer camp. Prior to going away to camp that year, I was told by my parents that they were getting a divorce. This was the early 80's and while divorce was a somewhat familiar word in those days, I didn't know very many friends (maybe one) whose parents were divorced. While I was away at camp, they separated, divided the house, and mom moved out. When I returned early from camp with a broken leg & hard plaster up to my groin, it was not longer "home." I simply came back to the house I lived in. It was totally different, emotionally empty, and for the remainder of that summer, I sat in it virtually alone.

So it's no wonder that when I started feeling puny a few years ago, chronically unable to muster any mojo for even life's simpliest tasks like sweeping and dog walking, my psyche reverted back to that 11 yr old girl, alone in a house, stuck in a recliner, in front of the TV, surrounded by sugary snacks, fizzy drinks & bologna sandwiches (because crutching back & forth to the kitchen & hauling food each time was not an option), watching MTV & soap operas, instead of out riding her bike, playing with friends, and swimming in the sunshine all day long like she normally did. TV and food became my companions & loneliness became my MO. Oh and did I had that damn cast on for 9 months & that at the tail end of it, I started my in for the first time ever?

Yeah, it was a pretty shitty summer!

So as I've started to emerge from the haze of CFS, it's slow & gradual & I'm not totally there yet, I'm trying to un-alone myself. It has been very easy to become 11 again, pained loss (of my family), unable to move around or enjoy what was normally enjoyable. I can see too how it's fed myy hiding behind a long distance relationship that hasn't been serving me in as many positive ways as it once had. Afterall, it was easier to send emails & do phone calls than actually have to go out & be "on" & date, so I guess it served a purpose for awhile, but not any longer. I'm sure too, I didn't want to suffer another loss since my very first loss was so life-altering for me.

I am trying to reach out to more people, enagage in more things, build some sort of a community, even it's with strangers online, and find my way back to things I enjoy. I'm commenting on blogs more, making more plans with friends who energize me, even going on a date or two here/there, and generally saying yes to a few more opportunities. Visibility to me is turning into not hiding. That might sound intuitive to many, but I guess for me, stuck inside my the hermit shell I originally created at 11 yrs old & moved back into at 36, I wasn't able to see how much I've been creaving actually being seen.


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