Friday, July 30, 2010

38 turns 39: short year, long journey

urban dinosaur, polaroid 600

Well it happened again--I turned a year older on July 24th! When I began this blog almost a year ago (a few weeks after my bday 2009), I decided to name it take-38 because I wanted to make more of an effort to live creatively--to allow more room & time & energy for making art, writing, and whatever else I deemed "creative." Hence the tagline "a year of living creatively."

I can't say it's been a terribly creative year, but then again, I can't say that it hasn't been either. I had my first art show in November '09 for my assemblage work. That went well--I sold 7 of the 9 pieces (albeit mostly to friends & family), but I've not really created anything new since. I've taken a slew of e-courses so far in 2010, although in all honesty, I didn't really put my all into any one of them (other than the writing one) which is par for the course for me unfortunately & which is why once I finish Claudine's summer course, I won't be taking any more this year (great, now I've just jinxed myself & will likely sign up for many more). I bought a couple of Polaroid cameras & a Holga & have used them to snap fun pics for myself & my friends eventhough I know very little about photography as a craft...and I have yet to get any of the rolls of 120 from Ms. Holga developed yet (so much easier when the pic comes out of the camera fully developed!). I bet there are one or two other creative-y things I've done in the last 11-12 months which are escaping me at the moment, but suffice it to say that I've utilized the photography more than anything else, especially in the last 4-6 months.

And if you're one of the 3 people who've read more than 2 posts on this blog, you know that one of my biggest focuses has been on feeling better. It's been a 3 year battle and a 2.5 year struggle to figure out why I'm without energy, motivation, verve & all the other good stuff that creativity & dreams feed off of. I'm still not there yet, but I hope I'm getting closer now that I've identified a thyroid disorder going on, plus some other hidden imbalances. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to hold out hope. And I'm trying whatever I can to help my body heal.

I am a huge believer in the mind-body connection. Recently I was watching Andrea Beaman's DVD on thyroid health (highly recommend it) and she was talking about that when the head (6th chakra) and the heart (4th chakra) are in conflict, it often manifests itself in the thyroid (5th chakra). My head & my heart have been waging a huge shouting match for these last 3 years. Both because of a relationship & also because of my job. I know that this is why my body is failing me in this way now--too much inner shouting without outer speaking up--my wants, my needs, my truth. I believe it's a bit of a catch 22--the poor health is making it hard to make changes, but I believe making changes will ultimately improve the health.

The relationship thing is clear--I know what I need to do, but am having a hard time just doing it. But I have struggled to know exactly what it is I want with regard to my job. I could easily say what I DIDN'T want, but deciding what I did want proved trickier. I had some ideas of what I thought I might be good at or interested in, but nothing was sticking or making me jump up & down. For the longest time I've had a real issue putting my finger on what would make me happy in a career & this frustrated me to no end!!! I knew I wanted something not behind a desk, something that I could feel good about doing, and something that encompassed my skills and gifts (those have been equally hard to name). But it wasn't until I allowed myself to dream the impossible, just for grins, detail what my "ideal" job would look like & more importantly feel like. Not the job duties themselves necessarily, but generally, if I could craft a job scenario, what would I want it to be like.

It wasn't until I posted something on Facebook. I thought I was seeking input from friends about ideas on jobs I maybe hadn't considered before, but what I discovered after hitting "post" was that I actually outlined this ideal, seemingly nonexistent job wish for myself. What I found after doing that, was that it 100% encompassed something I had been quietly toying with for about a year. I held it close & quiet, even as friends poured out ideas in response to my post. As the days passed after this, the vision became clearer and clearer with each day. As much as I tried to find the yeah-but, this idea simply fit each of my criteria without me even knowing it. It solved problems that other ideas could not overcome. The yeah-buts I have for EVERYthing weren't coming up for this. I couldn't believe it...I was scared to believe it, but even more scared not to embrace it.

Dog training--I want to become a dog trainer.'s out there. I want to train dogs for a living and I also want to use this to help shelter/rescue dogs to ensure they get a better living. This is what I want to do...I FINALLY f*cking know & it is such a huge weight off my heart. I have a plan. I have a dream. I have a direction. At 39 years old, I finally finally finally know what I want to be when I grow up. And you know what, for the first time in my life I am not going to let myself get in the way of achieving it. Now that's not to say I don't still want to do art or write or take photographs or any other of the 999 creative things that float through my head on a daily basis as want-to-do's, and I hope that what I'm envisioning for myself as a dog trainer will allow me the room to pursue my creative passions in addition to my career passion.

So here's to year's been a long journey getting here & I look forward so forward to the journey towards 40. Let Plan B begin!!!


(PS: I would change the name of the blog, but I don't know how without jacking up the URL because I'm not very HTML/blog savvy, so if anyone reads this & has some advice, lay it on me!)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

dear poor neglected blog

I know, I know I've not been around. I see Anonymous has noticed, but otherwise, I doubt anyone's been the wiser. I have been focusing on feeling better (going so so) & being a bit more busy (but not necessarily MY busy). Mostly I guess I've been without alot to say about any of it. There are some things that are brewing for me, but nothing enough to share at the moment...and good lord, I don't want to whine & complain anymore!

BUT I've run across something that might fill in the gap for me--Susannah's "The August Break"...adapted from Darlene's December Views. I'm game. Maybe it'll help me take more pics, plus post here more often.

And who knows, maybe I'll post something between now & August just for giggles.


Monday, July 5, 2010

compost does shit!

compost bin, #13 off the list

Man oh man, I've been MIA & scattered & sporadic & unfocused & down & up &...well, just not here! I feel like I've got alot to write about, yet nothing to say. I guess you could say I feel a bit lost to myself right now.

The biggest update, I suppose is that about 2.5 weeks ago (June 18th to be exact), I went to a new doctor/clinic in hopes of finding help with my continued flailing health. Based on my laundry list of symptoms + physical exam, they started me on some hormones (thyroid, progesterone, cortisol, etc) plus a super-strict anti-yeast diet with medication for that. The blood tests I received about 10 days later confirmed that I am having thyroid problems (autoimmune thyroiditis), plus adrenal fatigue, plus super low vitamin D, plus high levels showing internal inflammation. Blah, blah, blah...basically I finally have some actual "proof" that something's wrong which is a HUGE start.

After about 2 weeks, I am starting to notice some improvements in energy, mood, & motivation. Not like 100% improvements, but moves in the right direction. [I don't want to jinx myself here, and it's not a quick-fix & will take about 3 months to right me, if it is the proper treatment.] In fact, just this weekend I did the following all in one day: art, errands, exercise (hooping), cooking, misc household chores, and phone talking! Plus I did it all with a bit of a twinkle in my eye. This might be a normal day for most, but it was MUCH different than the ones I'm used to lately. But that was one day...and while I'm's been a bit different.

I don't know if it's just that I don't know what to do with myself with a sustained level of energy or if it's hard breaking out of the old pattern of slothfulness or what, but I fizzled out today & slugged around most of the day instead of keeping the momentum going with art & things I've been craving & dreaming of doing for months.

It probably didn't help that I felt a bit down today...lonely is really more the word I should be using. There, I said it, I'm Lonely! I've become so isolated from not feeling like doing anything & the fact that I haven't had a real partner in 3 years is frustrating, as is the fact that the partner I last had is still lingering in a long distance way in my life, yet he's not even fully present from his distant perch. All in all, I just feel lonelier than I ever have...friends are few between (and far flung), dating is non-existent, and me alone at home is becoming very tiresome & monotonous.

Monotonous is a good word too...I don't feel inspired yet. Not with my art. Not with my writing. Not with my career change. Not with dating. Not with anything really (well, the hooping is definitely helping & I'm coming along even in just a couple short days). So I'm just hoping those other things (the inspiration & motivation & oomph) will start to catch up to the energy as it continues (hopefully) to grace me with its presence more & more.

I could go on & on with whining about how I'm not doing this or not accomplishing that, but I won't....I'll leave it on a positive note of everything catching up in due time. Because the truth is, I'm feeling a hell of a lot more hopeful about it than I was even just 3 weeks ago!


Friday, July 2, 2010


Took my first hoop dance class last night--I'm totally HOOKED!

I've seen this done before and am always entralled watching others do it. While it's been around in some form for quite some time (I imagine since the hula hoop came out in the 50's), I know it's been sort of an "alternative" thing with club kids and/or Burning Man-y type folk, but I guess I didn't really realize it was a "thing!" in and of itself.

Then I saw a post Jo did on her blog at Shapeshifting, and I thought "wait, I can learn this?!" That was maybe on Monday, by Thursday, I was in a class not far from my house! I wanted to buy a hoop that night, so I can practice in between the weekly classes; however, this was not to be. I'm a bit bummed because I'm already itching to twirl the hoop again today, even though I'm a bit sore & reckon I will get more so as today progresses. But that will have to wait til class next Thursday, unless I can get my hands on a hoop sooner. I will continue to watch things like this to inpsire me until then.