burned out

NaNoWriMo has got me by the balls. I have hit a serious & very high & thick wall. I reached 20K words, but no more are coming. I'm lacking inspiration. I'm lacking direction. I'm distracted (see previous post about George, plus I've had a majorly huge dog training test looming over me).

I'm just stuck, which has me feeling totally (and unnecessarily) stressed out. Bottom line: I don't think I'm going to hit my 50K by end of the month & that totally sucks because I feel, just by saying that, I've officially given up. I mean, there's just NO WAY I'm going to whip out 30,000 words over the next 7 days...just NO BLOODY WAY. And I'm accepting that...slowly but surely.

I mean 20,000 words is still more than I've EVER written in my entire life...well not entire, collective life (which makes me wonder--how many words collectively have I written during my 39.5 years on earth? but that's another post), but it IS the most I've written for a particular writing assignment. So I guess I should be proud of that--and I am. And the novel isn't dead--I still want to see it through--it's just obviously not going to be born via NaNoWriMo 2010!

I'm definitely bummed & feeling uber defeated. But you know what? I don't feel stressed out anymore & that's a nice little weight off my shoulders!

xoxo!

lost & found

My dog Eadie & I found this little guy on our walk after work yeterday. He was friendly as can be, had a collar, but no tags. He & Eadie got along great (which is unusual considering Eadie's not much of a dog's dog), and he gladly followed us home.

I'm trying to find his people (sent out an alert via my neighborhood Yahoo newsgroup, posted on Petfinder.com, will take to the vet this afternoon to see if he's micro-chipped & will hang flyers around the hood this weekend) because if this were my sweet girl, I would want someone to do all the things I'm doing to reunite us. But I have to admit, he's already stealing my heart. I named him George--bad idea, I know, but he's just so dern cute & rather good. So I know he must be someone's pooch, I just worry given his condition that he's either not been as well cared for as I believe a dog should be or he's been roaming on his own for some time now.

I've never seen him anywhere in my neighborhood--and I spend alot of time out walking my dog or taking pictures--I've never seen him in a yard or being walked by someone or anything. A neighbor said she'd seen him earlier yesterday morning, so it's not like he'd just been out for a few minutes last night before we found him--he'd been wandering & no telling for how long.

Poor thing is itchy & dirty & stinky--but so so sweet. I've since learned Westies are prone to skin infections--he definitley has something more than just "the elements" irritating him. So when I go for the micro-chip, I'll get the vet to take a look and give me some tips on addressing it. It's one of those things that you don't want to go overboard & spend tons of money on a dog that you may have to turn back over tomorrow (and it's easy to spend too much at the vet on any given day), but he's uncomfortable, so I've atleast gotta help him with that. (was a restless night sleep last night, let me tell you). I'll figure out the rest as we go.

I will continue to try to find his peeps...and hope that if I do, they deserve to get him back.

PS: the NaNo writing hasn't been going well this week (i.e. aside from Monday, it's not been going at all unfortunately), BUT the weekend is upon me & I have high hopes I can crank alot out this weekend--I only need 17K to get caught up...so you know, no pressure or anything (especially when I'll have this cutie patootie running around being ahh-dorable!)

august break: 8/5

eadie on her pillow tower

Today I am beginning the process of enrollment into my dog training program (as originally revealed here). I am soooo excited & cannot wait to get started. Here's to Plan B finally coming together!

xoxo!

38 turns 39: short year, long journey

urban dinosaur, polaroid 600

Well it happened again--I turned a year older on July 24th! When I began this blog almost a year ago (a few weeks after my bday 2009), I decided to name it take-38 because I wanted to make more of an effort to live creatively--to allow more room & time & energy for making art, writing, and whatever else I deemed "creative." Hence the tagline "a year of living creatively."

I can't say it's been a terribly creative year, but then again, I can't say that it hasn't been either. I had my first art show in November '09 for my assemblage work. That went well--I sold 7 of the 9 pieces (albeit mostly to friends & family), but I've not really created anything new since. I've taken a slew of e-courses so far in 2010, although in all honesty, I didn't really put my all into any one of them (other than the writing one) which is par for the course for me unfortunately & which is why once I finish Claudine's summer course, I won't be taking any more this year (great, now I've just jinxed myself & will likely sign up for many more). I bought a couple of Polaroid cameras & a Holga & have used them to snap fun pics for myself & my friends eventhough I know very little about photography as a craft...and I have yet to get any of the rolls of 120 from Ms. Holga developed yet (so much easier when the pic comes out of the camera fully developed!). I bet there are one or two other creative-y things I've done in the last 11-12 months which are escaping me at the moment, but suffice it to say that I've utilized the photography more than anything else, especially in the last 4-6 months.


And if you're one of the 3 people who've read more than 2 posts on this blog, you know that one of my biggest focuses has been on feeling better. It's been a 3 year battle and a 2.5 year struggle to figure out why I'm without energy, motivation, verve & all the other good stuff that creativity & dreams feed off of. I'm still not there yet, but I hope I'm getting closer now that I've identified a thyroid disorder going on, plus some other hidden imbalances. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to hold out hope. And I'm trying whatever I can to help my body heal.


I am a huge believer in the mind-body connection. Recently I was watching Andrea Beaman's DVD on thyroid health (highly recommend it) and she was talking about that when the head (6th chakra) and the heart (4th chakra) are in conflict, it often manifests itself in the thyroid (5th chakra). My head & my heart have been waging a huge shouting match for these last 3 years. Both because of a relationship & also because of my job. I know that this is why my body is failing me in this way now--too much inner shouting without outer speaking up--my wants, my needs, my truth. I believe it's a bit of a catch 22--the poor health is making it hard to make changes, but I believe making changes will ultimately improve the health.


The relationship thing is clear--I know what I need to do, but am having a hard time just doing it. But I have struggled to know exactly what it is I want with regard to my job. I could easily say what I DIDN'T want, but deciding what I did want proved trickier. I had some ideas of what I thought I might be good at or interested in, but nothing was sticking or making me jump up & down. For the longest time I've had a real issue putting my finger on what would make me happy in a career & this frustrated me to no end!!! I knew I wanted something not behind a desk, something that I could feel good about doing, and something that encompassed my skills and gifts (those have been equally hard to name). But it wasn't until I allowed myself to dream the impossible dream...to, just for grins, detail what my "ideal" job would look like & more importantly feel like. Not the job duties themselves necessarily, but generally, if I could craft a job scenario, what would I want it to be like.

It wasn't until I posted something on Facebook. I thought I was seeking input from friends about ideas on jobs I maybe hadn't considered before, but what I discovered after hitting "post" was that I actually outlined this ideal, seemingly nonexistent job wish for myself. What I found after doing that, was that it 100% encompassed something I had been quietly toying with for about a year. I held it close & quiet, even as friends poured out ideas in response to my post. As the days passed after this, the vision became clearer and clearer with each day. As much as I tried to find the yeah-but, this idea simply fit each of my criteria without me even knowing it. It solved problems that other ideas could not overcome. The yeah-buts I have for EVERYthing weren't coming up for this. I couldn't believe it...I was scared to believe it, but even more scared not to embrace it.


Dog training--I want to become a dog trainer. There...it's out there. I want to train dogs for a living and I also want to use this to help shelter/rescue dogs to ensure they get a better living. This is what I want to do...I FINALLY f*cking know & it is such a huge weight off my heart. I have a plan. I have a dream. I have a direction. At 39 years old, I finally finally finally know what I want to be when I grow up. And you know what, for the first time in my life I am not going to let myself get in the way of achieving it. Now that's not to say I don't still want to do art or write or take photographs or any other of the 999 creative things that float through my head on a daily basis as want-to-do's, and I hope that what I'm envisioning for myself as a dog trainer will allow me the room to pursue my creative passions in addition to my career passion.


So here's to year 39...it's been a long journey getting here & I look forward so forward to the journey towards 40. Let Plan B begin!!!

xoxo!

(PS: I would change the name of the blog, but I don't know how without jacking up the URL because I'm not very HTML/blog savvy, so if anyone reads this & has some advice, lay it on me!)

take me to...funky town

I'm all over the place right now...yet stuck in the same place...if that makes any sense.

I had a good weekend--well half of it. Saturday I had a lovely, busy, productive, social day. Met dad & crew for breakfast at 59 Diner, went out to a baby shower for a girlfriend, wandered around in search of fabric for my couch-cushion-recovering-project (found some, will share in a separate post once I have pics), hit the Park for a powerwalk in the glorious spring sunshine, and spontaneously went to a neighborhood art show I found out about while walking my dog. I can honestly say that I went to bed Saturday night feeling like a real person who just lived a real day...and man did it feel GOOD!

Sunday started out similarly--hit 2 grocery stores (the regular one & the Whole Foods one), then made a side trip to the art store (cause I like to pretend I'm not broke & that I really NEED this&that in order to make some art today, but truthfully I already have some of this&that that I bought on another rogue art store trip that I have yet to use for anything art-related).

But then I got home from all of that, already feeling a bit run-down-ish. And what did I do? I ate something sh*tty that, guess what, made me feel totally sh*tty, and then had to lay down & attempt to nap my lethargic self for the rest of the equally glorious spring day--accomplishing NOTHING (not art, not housework, not fun outdoor stuff, not exercise, not online stuff, not writing, not socializing...nothing). I went to bed that night feeling fatigued, bloated, disappointed, angry, and unhappy that tomorrow was Monday again & yet another weekend passed me by without any artwork or any other work to get me closer to my goals.

And today was a total Monday indeed, if I may add. It started highly aggitated & irritable & frustrated & groggy. Somehow I managed to blob myself into work & then to lunch with friends (which helped lighten my mood--thank you ladies). I also ran across a video from this wonderful lady's site that had me blubbering in my cube most of the morning (I can't figure out how to embed the video either, but if you go to the previous link, she'll point the way).

Oh, did I mention I'm also PMSy?! BUT the blubbering was not all for naught. It's reminding me where my heart truly lies...animals & dogs in particular. And so during my luncheon, one girlfriend mentioned a local rescue group that I might be interested in...so I emailed them about volunteer opportunties & am awaiting further info. As a resulte, I've also been looking into dog training education, as this is something that has flitted through my mind a time or two over the last 10 or so years.

Another fleeting, random idea of mine? Dunno, but I'm going to follow it as long as it sticks around & til I have a better sense of yes or no!

xoxo!

PS: in talking w/ my dad this weekend, I've found out the Austin/grandmother house isn't doable right now--they've done some work to it & fixed it up & put it back on the market in another attempt to sell it, which is their preferred route. This is good for them financially of course, and I suppose a sign that my previous thoughts/plan to try to assume it was not the right one.