Friday, July 30, 2010
38 turns 39: short year, long journey
Well it happened again--I turned a year older on July 24th! When I began this blog almost a year ago (a few weeks after my bday 2009), I decided to name it take-38 because I wanted to make more of an effort to live creatively--to allow more room & time & energy for making art, writing, and whatever else I deemed "creative." Hence the tagline "a year of living creatively."
I can't say it's been a terribly creative year, but then again, I can't say that it hasn't been either. I had my first art show in November '09 for my assemblage work. That went well--I sold 7 of the 9 pieces (albeit mostly to friends & family), but I've not really created anything new since. I've taken a slew of e-courses so far in 2010, although in all honesty, I didn't really put my all into any one of them (other than the writing one) which is par for the course for me unfortunately & which is why once I finish Claudine's summer course, I won't be taking any more this year (great, now I've just jinxed myself & will likely sign up for many more). I bought a couple of Polaroid cameras & a Holga & have used them to snap fun pics for myself & my friends eventhough I know very little about photography as a craft...and I have yet to get any of the rolls of 120 from Ms. Holga developed yet (so much easier when the pic comes out of the camera fully developed!). I bet there are one or two other creative-y things I've done in the last 11-12 months which are escaping me at the moment, but suffice it to say that I've utilized the photography more than anything else, especially in the last 4-6 months.
And if you're one of the 3 people who've read more than 2 posts on this blog, you know that one of my biggest focuses has been on feeling better. It's been a 3 year battle and a 2.5 year struggle to figure out why I'm without energy, motivation, verve & all the other good stuff that creativity & dreams feed off of. I'm still not there yet, but I hope I'm getting closer now that I've identified a thyroid disorder going on, plus some other hidden imbalances. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to hold out hope. And I'm trying whatever I can to help my body heal.
I am a huge believer in the mind-body connection. Recently I was watching Andrea Beaman's DVD on thyroid health (highly recommend it) and she was talking about that when the head (6th chakra) and the heart (4th chakra) are in conflict, it often manifests itself in the thyroid (5th chakra). My head & my heart have been waging a huge shouting match for these last 3 years. Both because of a relationship & also because of my job. I know that this is why my body is failing me in this way now--too much inner shouting without outer speaking up--my wants, my needs, my truth. I believe it's a bit of a catch 22--the poor health is making it hard to make changes, but I believe making changes will ultimately improve the health.
The relationship thing is clear--I know what I need to do, but am having a hard time just doing it. But I have struggled to know exactly what it is I want with regard to my job. I could easily say what I DIDN'T want, but deciding what I did want proved trickier. I had some ideas of what I thought I might be good at or interested in, but nothing was sticking or making me jump up & down. For the longest time I've had a real issue putting my finger on what would make me happy in a career & this frustrated me to no end!!! I knew I wanted something not behind a desk, something that I could feel good about doing, and something that encompassed my skills and gifts (those have been equally hard to name). But it wasn't until I allowed myself to dream the impossible dream...to, just for grins, detail what my "ideal" job would look like & more importantly feel like. Not the job duties themselves necessarily, but generally, if I could craft a job scenario, what would I want it to be like.
It wasn't until I posted something on Facebook. I thought I was seeking input from friends about ideas on jobs I maybe hadn't considered before, but what I discovered after hitting "post" was that I actually outlined this ideal, seemingly nonexistent job wish for myself. What I found after doing that, was that it 100% encompassed something I had been quietly toying with for about a year. I held it close & quiet, even as friends poured out ideas in response to my post. As the days passed after this, the vision became clearer and clearer with each day. As much as I tried to find the yeah-but, this idea simply fit each of my criteria without me even knowing it. It solved problems that other ideas could not overcome. The yeah-buts I have for EVERYthing weren't coming up for this. I couldn't believe it...I was scared to believe it, but even more scared not to embrace it.
Dog training--I want to become a dog trainer. There...it's out there. I want to train dogs for a living and I also want to use this to help shelter/rescue dogs to ensure they get a better living. This is what I want to do...I FINALLY f*cking know & it is such a huge weight off my heart. I have a plan. I have a dream. I have a direction. At 39 years old, I finally finally finally know what I want to be when I grow up. And you know what, for the first time in my life I am not going to let myself get in the way of achieving it. Now that's not to say I don't still want to do art or write or take photographs or any other of the 999 creative things that float through my head on a daily basis as want-to-do's, and I hope that what I'm envisioning for myself as a dog trainer will allow me the room to pursue my creative passions in addition to my career passion.
So here's to year 39...it's been a long journey getting here & I look forward so forward to the journey towards 40. Let Plan B begin!!!
(PS: I would change the name of the blog, but I don't know how without jacking up the URL because I'm not very HTML/blog savvy, so if anyone reads this & has some advice, lay it on me!)