don't write

I have had this poem printed out for some time, the contents of it waft through my brain from time to time when I haven't been writing. Today I pulled it out from among the piles of other things that periodically also waft through my brain, so that I can tack it up in my writing space as my guide through November.

Don't Write, by Jenn Lee from her sold-out Don't Write: A Reluctant Journal:

Don't write.

It's too powerful.

It might tell someone how you feel.

How you hurt.

What you don't understand.

Don't write.

It's too powerful.

It will show who you are on the inside to the outside.

It'll blow your cover, your nice reputation.

Don't write.

It's too powerful.

You might hurt someone's feelings.

People may not like your words.

They may attack you, or abandon you.

Don't write.

It's too powerful.

It might give others hope.

Let them know they're not alone.

It might change minds.

Change directions.

Change the world.

So, whatever you do,

don't write.

Thank you Jenn Lee....
xoxo!

i get it already

A chap called Landon commented on a post the other day: "quit kicking yourself, girl." Now mind you, Landon doesn't know me nor do I know him. Nor does he know how many times in my life I have heard this or something along the lines of this.

Honestly I don't know where this self-berating comes from (notice how closely the words "berating" and "beating" are--just add/remove an "R"). The thing is, 99.9% of the time I don't even know I'm doing it & even have a hard time recognizing it after someone points it out.

It's weird too because I think I'm a great gal. I think I have alot going for me: I'm smart, fairly attractive, talented, hip, funny, loyal, introspective, adventurous, empathetic, good at several things, knowlegable about a few things, interested in even more things, etc, etc. I guess the problem lies that somewhere deep down, perhaps I don't think I'm each of those things enough. That's all I can gather as to why I'm so fucking hard on myself when there really is no reason why I ought to be. I am also equally adept at the back-handed self-compliment or deflector of the external compliment. Someone compliments me on something, say my art, and instead of thank you, I come back with "well, I haven't made any in awhile" as if somehow that's supposed to negate what I have in fact already done...?

What is this about? Why do I cut myself off before I can own the good of me? I could go into a kazzilion & one reasons why this might be, but what's the point in that? Why not just name it & then stop doing it instead? So this is what I shall focus on...naming the good, claiming the successes, and leaving it at that without the backhanded bullshit. Yes indeedy!

xoxo!

nothingness

I'm not sure why I'm keeping this blog anymore...I'm not often inspired to write here very often, I don't feel I have much to say (aside from complaining about health stuff & the lack of creativity that ensues).

And speaking of that lack of creativity...I feel the desire to do so (both art & writing..and even photography), but I just am not doing any of it. Again I can blame it on the health woes (just feeling blah, no energy--not so sure the thyroid treatment itself is doing the trick) or on my studies for the dog training, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm just not creating...even when I do have time. And it's pissing me off...and frustrating me...and getting me a bit down lately.

That is all...

xoxo!

august break: 8/18

a quick snap of my pooch Eadie on the porch

My brain is bustling & bursting with ideas, to-do's, to-consider's, to-research, and all other manner of thoughts related to my Plan B...the dog training endeavor. I haven't even started my studies yet (the materials should arrive later TODAY!!!), but already I am busting at the seams with thoughts & excitement about how to do this new thing...and do it well & with gusto!


Never before have I been SO excited about a career path...or anything for that matter. Never before have I not gotten in my own way with "yeah but's" & "nuh uh's" & other forms of gremlin activity...well except maybe when I was planning my wedding. That too was FUN! The constant barrage of ideas & brain churnings are exhilerating, not debilitating. I can't quit thinking about things like business names & logos & websites or even the unfun stuff of running a business like taxes and dba's and income and liability and health insurance.


I'm looking forward to cracking my books & working hard on my studies--that's the most important part afterall--but until I get those books, my head is twirling with possibilities and it feels oh so good.


xoxo!

38 turns 39: short year, long journey

urban dinosaur, polaroid 600

Well it happened again--I turned a year older on July 24th! When I began this blog almost a year ago (a few weeks after my bday 2009), I decided to name it take-38 because I wanted to make more of an effort to live creatively--to allow more room & time & energy for making art, writing, and whatever else I deemed "creative." Hence the tagline "a year of living creatively."

I can't say it's been a terribly creative year, but then again, I can't say that it hasn't been either. I had my first art show in November '09 for my assemblage work. That went well--I sold 7 of the 9 pieces (albeit mostly to friends & family), but I've not really created anything new since. I've taken a slew of e-courses so far in 2010, although in all honesty, I didn't really put my all into any one of them (other than the writing one) which is par for the course for me unfortunately & which is why once I finish Claudine's summer course, I won't be taking any more this year (great, now I've just jinxed myself & will likely sign up for many more). I bought a couple of Polaroid cameras & a Holga & have used them to snap fun pics for myself & my friends eventhough I know very little about photography as a craft...and I have yet to get any of the rolls of 120 from Ms. Holga developed yet (so much easier when the pic comes out of the camera fully developed!). I bet there are one or two other creative-y things I've done in the last 11-12 months which are escaping me at the moment, but suffice it to say that I've utilized the photography more than anything else, especially in the last 4-6 months.


And if you're one of the 3 people who've read more than 2 posts on this blog, you know that one of my biggest focuses has been on feeling better. It's been a 3 year battle and a 2.5 year struggle to figure out why I'm without energy, motivation, verve & all the other good stuff that creativity & dreams feed off of. I'm still not there yet, but I hope I'm getting closer now that I've identified a thyroid disorder going on, plus some other hidden imbalances. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to hold out hope. And I'm trying whatever I can to help my body heal.


I am a huge believer in the mind-body connection. Recently I was watching Andrea Beaman's DVD on thyroid health (highly recommend it) and she was talking about that when the head (6th chakra) and the heart (4th chakra) are in conflict, it often manifests itself in the thyroid (5th chakra). My head & my heart have been waging a huge shouting match for these last 3 years. Both because of a relationship & also because of my job. I know that this is why my body is failing me in this way now--too much inner shouting without outer speaking up--my wants, my needs, my truth. I believe it's a bit of a catch 22--the poor health is making it hard to make changes, but I believe making changes will ultimately improve the health.


The relationship thing is clear--I know what I need to do, but am having a hard time just doing it. But I have struggled to know exactly what it is I want with regard to my job. I could easily say what I DIDN'T want, but deciding what I did want proved trickier. I had some ideas of what I thought I might be good at or interested in, but nothing was sticking or making me jump up & down. For the longest time I've had a real issue putting my finger on what would make me happy in a career & this frustrated me to no end!!! I knew I wanted something not behind a desk, something that I could feel good about doing, and something that encompassed my skills and gifts (those have been equally hard to name). But it wasn't until I allowed myself to dream the impossible dream...to, just for grins, detail what my "ideal" job would look like & more importantly feel like. Not the job duties themselves necessarily, but generally, if I could craft a job scenario, what would I want it to be like.

It wasn't until I posted something on Facebook. I thought I was seeking input from friends about ideas on jobs I maybe hadn't considered before, but what I discovered after hitting "post" was that I actually outlined this ideal, seemingly nonexistent job wish for myself. What I found after doing that, was that it 100% encompassed something I had been quietly toying with for about a year. I held it close & quiet, even as friends poured out ideas in response to my post. As the days passed after this, the vision became clearer and clearer with each day. As much as I tried to find the yeah-but, this idea simply fit each of my criteria without me even knowing it. It solved problems that other ideas could not overcome. The yeah-buts I have for EVERYthing weren't coming up for this. I couldn't believe it...I was scared to believe it, but even more scared not to embrace it.


Dog training--I want to become a dog trainer. There...it's out there. I want to train dogs for a living and I also want to use this to help shelter/rescue dogs to ensure they get a better living. This is what I want to do...I FINALLY f*cking know & it is such a huge weight off my heart. I have a plan. I have a dream. I have a direction. At 39 years old, I finally finally finally know what I want to be when I grow up. And you know what, for the first time in my life I am not going to let myself get in the way of achieving it. Now that's not to say I don't still want to do art or write or take photographs or any other of the 999 creative things that float through my head on a daily basis as want-to-do's, and I hope that what I'm envisioning for myself as a dog trainer will allow me the room to pursue my creative passions in addition to my career passion.


So here's to year 39...it's been a long journey getting here & I look forward so forward to the journey towards 40. Let Plan B begin!!!

xoxo!

(PS: I would change the name of the blog, but I don't know how without jacking up the URL because I'm not very HTML/blog savvy, so if anyone reads this & has some advice, lay it on me!)

living in...Living, Etc.

I simply ADORE multi-patterned couches...and these bright colors in this bright room just brighten my mood immediately

I LOVE Living, Etc. magazine. I found it on the magazine racks in UK once & when I discovered the website, I knew I could be transported into my perfect design world at the click of a mouse all the way over here in the US.

such a cute, clever, colorful idea...the magazine & website are PACKED with them

But there's just something about holding a magazine in your hands, flipping pages, and opening it back up to your FAVORITE featured residence time & time again.

oh my...this color...an almost peacock blue...so serene...so luxurious...I can feel the bubbles tickling my skin

Trouble was, the international subscription was just a smidge out of my realistic budget--I mean I could have afforded it, but I couldn't justify affording it. I casually mentioned to my UK BFF that if he ever ran across one, if he wouldn't mind picking it up and shipping it to me whenever.

I could do some serious reading & writing in this room...it's so cozy yet cool

This was before I realized that Borders sold it. But before I knew it, I had Living, Etc.'s arriving in my mailbox monthly. My BFF had graciously bought me the international subscription (I know, he's awesome like that)...and I am now receiving them faster than I could savor them.

there is just so much to love about this living room...the color, the stuff, the causal elegance...SIGH!

I just simply LOVE so much about the magazine. With the demise of mags such as Cottage Living and Domino, my love affair with interior publications has been waning. I'm big on electic and colorful and the Brits do both so well.

this kitchen is just so IT for me...Iactually feel whole (and home) when I see this image!

When I open up each issue, I just submerge myself in the beauty, the cleverness, and the cozyness of each interior...whether modern or bohemian or traditional...something about each style speaks to my taste and I can so totally see & feel myself living inside the pages each and every time.

This bedroom is so ME...I might do the walls a smidge of a darker grey, but I could soooo get used to waking up here every day!

Perhaps it also feeds my long-standing dream of living part-time in the UK. For a hundred + pages, I can pretend and daydream and envision that life for myself. It makes it feel more achievable somehow.

the whimsy of these purple chairs, the structure of those honeycomb patterned walls & windows...I mean, c'mon!

If I could build my perfect house, these pictures would be exactly what it would be built from. Gosh I actually get a little giddy-feeling inside thinking of a house with each of these features...like it could actually be possible. A girl can dream, right?! Oh and dream she does.

the rose colored wall, the frills & brick & wood & controlled chaos--it speaks to my heart & my soul & begs me to sit & have coffee

The power of intention is a beautiful, magical thing...I mean, I asked for an issue here/there & I got a personal subscription. Maybe by curating this little grouping of images, I can manifest my dream home too!

xoxo!

experimenting

This week I've been devling into my experimental art e-course & it's been a bit of a frustrating start. Not because of the class, but because of my own inner gremlins. While I've made art & even sold my art, I still don't fancy myself an artist. The voices that long-ago got implanted in my head still live in there, buried underneath some cobwebs of self-doubt & not-good-enoughness.

This week has allowed me to push the cobwebs away, bit by bit, and let me build some things back up...slowly, very slowly. I'm intimidated by some of the students' works even in this initial stage of the game, but it's not a contest...this class is for me. It's for me to get my creative mojo back. It's for me to push my creative boundaries. It's for me to develop a deeper creative path. And ultimately for me to produce more creative artwork.

Doodle, doodle...splat, splat.

xoxo!

seeing seductive sights

It's interesting how certain things speak to you differently at different times. Whether it be visual art or songs or car styles, colors, food types, men, weather. I mean anything really can strike you one way one day & another way another day depending on mood, experience, or whatever.


I'm finding that to be true of Teesha Moore's work lately, specifically her current journal pages. I've known about her for a couple+ years now, and while I always thought it was cool & clever and her style has definitely evolved over those years, it is currently speaking to me in a really LOUD and deep and personal way all of a sudden.

Like I want to crawl into each & every journal page & wander through the words & whirls & whims, climb over the images & perch myself between the patches of patterned paper.

(random sidenote: have I mentioned how much I freakin' LOVE alliteration?)

I'm not sure what it is--I think part of my recent creativity slump is me wanting to branch out from my standard assemblage a bit, but not entirely sure in what direction or how far I want to venture. But what I do know is that lately I have been mesmerized by Teesha Moore's work...I wish I could see them in real life (i.e. not just thru a computer screen). I'm so glad I decided to revisit her work after browsing by it too fast over the years.

xoxo!

outta the funk

pink port-o-potties Austin, Texas 2008

OK...s-l-o-w-l-y emerging from the funk & feeling a bit more hopeful, so thought I'd do a happier post (although that might cause it to be brief). :)

I have to say, I have a couple of exciting things I'm patiently waiting on. One of which is my custom art piece by Claudine Helmuth. I'm getting one for my mom for Mother's Day--I know it will be adorable & I cannot wait to see what Claudine comes up with! My mom is going to get a HUGE kick out of it, I just know it.

Also, gathering my supplies for the Experimental Art e-course Amelia is offering starting April 19...really hoping this helps kickstart my creative mojo. I've been dabbling w/ some collage work...and when I say dabbling, I mean minimal attempts (but somehow it still made a HUGE mess on yet another non-studio table top). Why is it that artwork has a way of spreading throughout the house regardless of having a dedicated work area?! I'm really enjoying going through the Not Paper blog over & over, re-reviewing collage artists Aprile has featured there.

Ohhhh and I keep forgetting to post pics of my art purchases from the Bayou City Art Festival back in March. Well, I don't keep forgetting to post them--I've been delayed in displaying them so that I can snap pics of them to post!

love the look of mixed fabric sofas--these courtesy of my FAVE interior mag, Living, etc.

And speaking of delays in posting pictures, I am in the process of getting covers made for my couch cushions. I finally found some yummy fabric (I hope it works out when all is said & done), but I cannot for the life of me find a pic of the pattern online to share with you here, so I will have to wait til I get the covers back from a friend who's doing the sewing for me to show the before/afters of the couch! I'm really inspired by the look in the pics above...and would love to do a quilted patchwork look like the one to the left, but it'll look alittle more like the 2nd & 3rd.

So see, I guess there are some good things going on & good things coming up that I could be focusing on...it's just that today's the first day in many days I can see the good. So YAY for that!!!

xoxo!

take me to...funky town

I'm all over the place right now...yet stuck in the same place...if that makes any sense.

I had a good weekend--well half of it. Saturday I had a lovely, busy, productive, social day. Met dad & crew for breakfast at 59 Diner, went out to a baby shower for a girlfriend, wandered around in search of fabric for my couch-cushion-recovering-project (found some, will share in a separate post once I have pics), hit the Park for a powerwalk in the glorious spring sunshine, and spontaneously went to a neighborhood art show I found out about while walking my dog. I can honestly say that I went to bed Saturday night feeling like a real person who just lived a real day...and man did it feel GOOD!

Sunday started out similarly--hit 2 grocery stores (the regular one & the Whole Foods one), then made a side trip to the art store (cause I like to pretend I'm not broke & that I really NEED this&that in order to make some art today, but truthfully I already have some of this&that that I bought on another rogue art store trip that I have yet to use for anything art-related).

But then I got home from all of that, already feeling a bit run-down-ish. And what did I do? I ate something sh*tty that, guess what, made me feel totally sh*tty, and then had to lay down & attempt to nap my lethargic self for the rest of the equally glorious spring day--accomplishing NOTHING (not art, not housework, not fun outdoor stuff, not exercise, not online stuff, not writing, not socializing...nothing). I went to bed that night feeling fatigued, bloated, disappointed, angry, and unhappy that tomorrow was Monday again & yet another weekend passed me by without any artwork or any other work to get me closer to my goals.

And today was a total Monday indeed, if I may add. It started highly aggitated & irritable & frustrated & groggy. Somehow I managed to blob myself into work & then to lunch with friends (which helped lighten my mood--thank you ladies). I also ran across a video from this wonderful lady's site that had me blubbering in my cube most of the morning (I can't figure out how to embed the video either, but if you go to the previous link, she'll point the way).

Oh, did I mention I'm also PMSy?! BUT the blubbering was not all for naught. It's reminding me where my heart truly lies...animals & dogs in particular. And so during my luncheon, one girlfriend mentioned a local rescue group that I might be interested in...so I emailed them about volunteer opportunties & am awaiting further info. As a resulte, I've also been looking into dog training education, as this is something that has flitted through my mind a time or two over the last 10 or so years.

Another fleeting, random idea of mine? Dunno, but I'm going to follow it as long as it sticks around & til I have a better sense of yes or no!

xoxo!

PS: in talking w/ my dad this weekend, I've found out the Austin/grandmother house isn't doable right now--they've done some work to it & fixed it up & put it back on the market in another attempt to sell it, which is their preferred route. This is good for them financially of course, and I suppose a sign that my previous thoughts/plan to try to assume it was not the right one.

an unlikely MUSE

photographer: danny north

Went to see Muse last night at The Toyota Center & man was it BRILLIANT! Now they know how to put on a rock show, I have to say. If you enjoy their music even a smidge, seeing them live will make you fall in love, I promise. Part Radiohead, part Queen, pure energy...between the music, the performance, the visuals and the light show, it was totally & completely spectacular from beginning to 2nd encore end!!!

But even more than the music itself, I found myself flooded with creative inspiration All. Night. Long. I wished I had stuck a note pad in my teeny "going out" purse, so I could dorkily scribble down the endless waves of ideas that kept zooming through my brain. I captured only one on my phone via a text to myself, but hopefully the rest are still in swimming around my noggin & will re-appear as I need them.

I got in late & this "old lady" doesn't do late very often, but it was SO worth it. It'll make for a long day in the cube, but it's Friday, so I promise I won't complain (too much)! I'm looking forward to creating some art this weekend...maybe even with some of this newfound inspiration.

PS: this also means I can tick off 1 from #14 of my 2010 To-Do's list.

xoxo!

my alter ego

Been thinking lots about my alter ego lately...I helped define her in pictures a month or so back. Now that I'm doing some Mondo Beyondo work this month, she's revisiting me again in my dreams. She's inspring me to get creative again. She's preparing me to be open to love again. She's encouraging me to get real, and quiet, and strong.

I'm glad I defined her & that she's a part of me whether I always trust in her or not because she always trusts in me.

xoxo!

experimental art

Really looking forward to taking this next e-course. I know, I'm totally on a roll w/ the e-course thing this year. First Unravelling for self-discovery/connection. Then Sexy on the Page for writing. Currently Mondo Beyondo for dream catching. And up next, Experimental Art! Really looking forward to it helping me get my artistic mojo back up & running. I've been feeling it simmering, wanting to bubble up again, so I hoping this will be the heat that turns the burner up enough to let it boil out & over!

All this learning & exploring & reflecting is good...sometimes overwhelming & hard to keep up, but good all the same! I highly recommend it.

xoxo!

i've started to Unravel

Unravelling, the e-course, has begun for me! I'm really excited about this little online adventure, as well as the chance to get to know all the lovely-sounding souls who are also participating. Will post more later as it...well, unravels!

xoxo!

i'm not mistaken

me at Caernarfon Castle, 2009

I read this line today from writer Ann Lamott:
You have to make mistakes to find out who you aren't. You take the action, the insight follows: you don't think your way into becoming yourself.

I've made some mistakes in my life...oh boy, have I. But who hasn't, right? And for some reason I have chosen to berate myself about yet another bad choice made rather than seeing it as "okay, I can check that off the list."

Often I have cursed my decision to move to Houston from Austin 8 years ago...I have blamed alot on that "mistake." But the truth is, yes some not great things have transpired here & I suffered one of the greatest betrayls/heartbreaks of my life followed by a few others & one disappointing abandonment and some other shitty little happenings. BUT also alot of really great things have happened that wouldn't have otherwise.

I wouldn't have had the need to learn to travel alone (thus never going to St. Thomas and DC and Costa Rica and UK to finally meet my penpal of 20 yrs) or been forced to find an outlet for my abundance of alone time, which means I probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to be mentored, hands-on, in metal work & most likely wouldn't have subsequently found my art, had an art show and connected with some great artists online. I wouldn't have met some of the wonderful souls who've made living in Houston doble......and I could go on & on. But the point is, had I not made the "mistake" of moving to Houston, I don't know what experiences I would have missed out on.

So the truth is, I learn more about myself when I try something, anything than when I sit back wondering (i.e. overanalyzing) what I should/shouldn't try next.

Must keep remembering this when the "what-if" gremlins start doing their dance...and put in Sliding Doors for an afternoon watch!

xoxo!

doing your dream

write out loud, assemblage by me

I've been talking alot about dreams lately...and not the in-your-sleep, what-the-hell-was-that-about kind, but rather the wide-awake-in-your-authentic-self kind. I guess it's because not only am I actively attempting to tap into the power of intention--putting in out there so that it manifests for you--but also trying to wrap myself around what exactly it is that I want to be/do with my life.

I've been feeling a growing sense of it all passing me by lately. I don't know if it's from my CFS making me feel so damn useless or the fact that I'm creeping ever so close to 40 or the fact that I've chosen not to have children. But I'm restless...and searching for whatever it is that will settle this feeling of not living up to my potential.

There are certain things that I secretly wish I could be/do, but that I not-so-secretly know I won't likely invest in making them happen. Like becoming a professional dancer (ballroom would be awesome, but just being able to move beautifully in any capacity would be great). Or speaking mulitple languages fluently (French, German, Spanish would be enough). Or chucking it all to be a do-gooder in foreign lands.

But beyond the list of truly (for me) pie in the sky pretend wants, there are a whole slew of could-be-possible-if-I-could-just-figure-IT-outs. And by IT I mean the one (1) (singular) thing that is doable, and that I'm in love with enough to bust my ass at it, and that can earn me a living all at the same time. And I'm okay if it's not 1, singular thing...maybe it's a tightly knit combination of 2-3 things...but I want it to an obvious grouping, not baker/furniture maker/artist/dog trainer/writer.

And dammit, I'm going to keep rambling about it til I figure it out.

xoxo!

to dream the impossible dream

pearls of wisdom, assemblage by me

One thing I've been noticing is that when I read other people's dreams or goals or wishlists online, I always think "how cool" and "right on--go for it" and "what an amesome idea." I never think "how stupid...good luck with that...whatever sister...dream on."

Now keep in mind, I don't know these people personally, but when I read their goals or dreams, whether it's to own a house in 5 years, design for [fill in the blank of some giant store or magazine], move cross-country/internationally, leave their high-paying coporate job, launch a new line of products, open a store or whatever the myriad of wonderful, creative ideas that people have, I always think it sounds so doable...for them.

Yet I can see, from my own experience & from how I hear other people blushingly reveal their own, that we often times don't come to our own dreams the same way. Many of these folks hesitantly reveal their dreams, nervous to put it out there for fear of scrutiny or looking foolish maybe or seeming too full of themself. Because I guess, so often times, what we hear in our own heads around our dreams are the "yeah whatevers" instead of the "go for it's." But to the unbiased outside observer, the dreams sound tangible & real & possible & attainable.

So maybe we, and I really mean I here, need to look at our dreams like an unbiased observer...believing it's doable from the get-go. Because why shouldn't it be?!

xoxo!

comparison vs inspiration

she often came unhinged, [SOLD] assemblage by me

It's easy to get caught in the swirls of comparison...to others' work, situations, successes (perceived or real)...for those who have gone before you or maybe even alongside you but who've gotten maybe more attention than you.

I spend alot...and I mean ALOT...of time online reading blogs. {yes, I know "a lot" is actually 2 words, but I think it looks better as 1} I read through blogs of those who do similar artwork that I do. I read blogs of those who do things I wish I could do. And I also read blogs of those who do all sorts of stuff in between...food, lifestyle, gardening, decorating, writing, photography, fashion, inspiration, animals, ecology, etc, etc. There are a kazillion out there, as any blogger knows.

I spent alot of time in a haze of comparison as I was figuring out how to be an artist & trying my hand at blogging while trying to determine the point of each. I've since realized there's no room for envious comparison. And really what these glorious people are doing is inspiring me to be better, to try harder, to reach deeper & dream bigger. The voyueristic quality of blogs lets me know I'm not alone, even if I feel like it 99.9% of the time. But really that I'm not alone in my struggles, my desires, my roadblocks, my internal chatter, or even my ability to achieve. I used to get mired down in comparison--even to people doing things outside of anything I ever intended to do (because dammit most of the times I want to do it all). I would be envious of what they were doing & how well it seemed to be going for them & how easily it seemed their successes were coming whenever they'd simply seem to ask for it, and on & on.

But really I've learned to turn that comparison into inspiration...to be inspired by their gone-bef0re-me status and the fact that they achieved what they set about & asked for. It gives me the extra boost to know that if I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I too can achieve what I'm setting out for (even if most days I'm not entirely sure what exactly I'm aiming to achieve) and also start getting things that I ask for.

Take my artwork: I asked for an outlet for my creativity & I stumbled into the wonderful world of assemblage. I asked for something to "do" with my artwork (instead of it just sitting around my house), and I was given an artshow (where I was able to sell 7 of the 9 pieces I displayed). This is how it happens--this also seems to be mostly how it's happend for those who've gone before that I read about day in & day out (because trust me, I've gone back & started at their beginnings to see where they've come from).

So I choose to be only inspired instead of envious...and to be ever so grateful for those who've gone before (in whatever way they have) and been brave enough to share their experiences (both good & not so great) along the way via their blogs.

xoxo!

momentum

my new Holga & first glasses, by me

The above pic has nothing to do with today's post (not like all the pictures ever do anyway), but it just so happened I got my new Holga (even though I said earlier I had a crush on her) & my first-ever specs on the same day this week.

What's really on my mind is momentum--or lack thereof at the moment. I've been preparing for my first art show coming up this Sunday (today is Tuesday eve) & I still have some last-minute finishing touches to put on 2 pieces. I'm having a REALLY hard time using my time towards finishing them. Over the last month, since I found out about this show, I've been busting my butt to finalize many pieces that have sat stagnant for the better part of this past year, so they'll be ready for the show. I have made some brand new ones in that time as well. But I'm feeling tapped out, I guess...just before the finish line.

This happened to me during college too. My very last semester of my senior year, I was so sick & tired of writing, but during those final months before graduation, I had one more written piece due every day it seemed. I mean there's alot of writing in college, but getting my degree IN writing, meant that was just about all I did that last year. I was so burnt out on writing, that I acutally started turning in pieces about how sick I was of writing. By the time graduation came & I got a 9-5 paying job behind a desk in an office building, I told everyone who would listen that if I never had to write creatively again, I'd be fine. (I didn't dare consider market studies and sales proposals creative). Yet today, I wish I hadn't let so much time go by without making an effort to write. The muscles feel like they've atrophied on me because I've lost touch with so much of what I cultivated during those grueling final years in my writing program.

I'm feeling bits of all that stirring now with my art work. And I don't want to feel that way, but it's the truth (at this very moment anyway). With this being my first art show & me still being relatively new to creating this type of art (barely 2 yrs now), I don't know if this is "normal" to want to pack away the paints and found objects because I'm actually rather sick of looking at all the clutter. Just like I don't know if, for writers, it's similar when they've finished that novel or published that collection of short stories and cannot get far enough away from the laptop or writing notebook or sentence structure.

Do all creatives go through this "if I never have to do this again..." feeling or is it just me trying to convince myself to give up on something else just when I get my momentum going?! I still get new ideas that gnaw at me--for both art concepts & writing pieces. I still got really energiezed when a new piece started to magically unfold in the midst of finalizing all the other half-finished ones. I still get excited to think about taking an erotic writing course at the first of the year. Maybe I just need balance--time for art with writing with photography and with rambling walks and new recipes and friends and whatever else gives me some distance from those callings that I do enjoy but that can be a bit all-consuming if not peppered with breaks and time to get reinspired.

Baby steps...I'm getting it.

xoxo!

who, what, when, where am I???

self-explanatory, London 2009 (by me)

I've got so much I want to do, so many ideas, desires, interests. Now that I've gotten my 8-9 pieces squared away for the art show next weekend (is that even enough pieces I keep asking?), I can feel other urges vying for my attention. I saw a notice of an online writing course I've been wanting to take, which starts in January. Trouble is, I was already eyeing a sort of self-improvement course during that same time that I was hoping to take as well. Nothing says I can't do them simultaneously, but something is saying I'm better when I can focus on one thing at a time.

The assemblage work has been consuming my extra attention latley. But then of course, there are the 2 cameras I ordered that I'm still waiting to get delivered that have been gnawing at my interest from an anticipated distance as well. Each time I get an idea or a wiff of an interest, I feel that's the right one at the time. So when I read about the writing course, my nerves perked up. In fact, I stirred in bed all night half dreaming about writing, interested, excited, as if it was a reminder that that's still brewing below the surface too.

I feel a bit pulled, torn almost--what to focus on when. In addition to the things on my so-called plate like the assemblage & writing (as imaginary as it might be at times), there's also the pending to-do's: the jewelry, the photography, the knitting/sewing/felting, languages, yoga, metal, glass, collage, furniture, 1001 diy's & 515 books & magazines & websites on any/none of the above....I mean, ask me what I'm most interested in & it could vary with the day of the week.

Makes me feel a bit schizophrenic, especially on top of: the day job, the housework, the disorganization, the exercising and health seeking, the friendshipping, the dog walking, errand running, bill paying, and pay day praying. Oh and wait, and what about that thing I hear stories about called dating...right, how could I forget about the loneliness & isolation & desocialization now firmly planted in the leftover crevices of my life?

Breathe...Trust...Let go.

xoxo!