Wednesday, September 30, 2009

catching dreams

Dream Catcher
mixed media assemblage by me
(for D's birthday)

I've been working on a list of "dreams"...intentions really...things I'd like to do/put out into the Universe as an offering and a request for help in achieving my heart's desires.

I have been feeling very nutured by the Universe lately, so I'm trusting it more. Maybe it's because I'm not fighting with myself as much. Maybe it's because I'm trying to trust the process more. And maybe it's just because I'm allowing myself to believe in myself for a change...especially when I stop long enough to see the signs & feel guiding hands giving me nudges & thumbs-ups.

So I thought I should put my list of dreams OUT scary as that feels even though nobody is reading my blog but me. If for no other reason that to finally be able to say: I believe in my own dreams dammit! It is by no means a static's a start. Perhaps I will update it every few months--cross off & add to.

  1. earn a comfortable living exclusively thru creative/artistic means
  2. share my passion for creativity & self-empowerment/healing (conduct art therapy/workshops)
  3. find a partner to share my life withl, a man who encourages me to be my best, truest & silliest & is willing to be the same (hoping this is w/ a certain Scotsman, but open to what is meant to be)
  4. explore photography
  5. live in a unique, personalized house with a large studio/workshop
  6. live part-time in Europe (UK most likely)
  7. trust my journey and live with joy
  8. write & get published
  9. create/become part of a community of like-minded & inspiring friends
  10. nurture myself physically, allowing myself to be healthy, strong & fit
  11. learn a 2nd language (either improve my German or tackle Spanish)
  12. dance regularly
  13. cultivate a beautiful, ever-growing garden
  14. risk more artistically & dream bigger creatively
  15. show my work to the public
  16. learn to sew
  17. learn to knit and/or crochet
  18. take life less seriously
  19. take weekend/day trips

It's a small step...but every journey begins with one, right?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

girl crush

Dianna F+ by Lomography

I've had my eye on this cutie for about a year now. I know nothing about photography...well, not nothing, but not alot. All I really know is that I want her & I want her to show me things & I want us to be BFFs. Is that so wrong?!


alice in blogland

I love finding new blogs whose author's words/ ideas/images/experiences I immediately connect with. And then reading obsessively straight through to the very first post, often times back years. It might take me a couple of days, maybe a full week, but I really enjoy absorbing myself in the interesting ones & then find myself sad when I've reached the beginning & have to wait for new, current posts to come around! There have been times I've started at the beginning, but I prefer to read backwards, seeing how ideas from older posts came to be & fitting the chronology or life event puzzle together, all the while feeling like I know their successes before they do.

I rarely, if ever, reach out or comment (something I am trying to change now that I've started my own). Yet even still, these strangers keep me company in my work cube during the many days I have nothing work-related to do & long to be spending those days absorbed in my passion, earning a living in a way that fulfills me and nourishes my soul...rather than sucking my energy from sheer, mindnumbing boredom.

Soon, hopefully very soon.

Until then, I will continue voyueristically enjoying my blogger finds...inevitably falling down the rabbit hole to another & yet another remarkably talented & interesting soul...stocking up on inspiration, support, imagination and soul nutrients along the way!

Here are some ladies who've capitavated me & kept me company in the cube...and inspired me by their own journeys near & far.

  1. Susannah Conway @ inkonmyfingers
    (whom I discovered when I won a photo give-away at the next lady's site)
  2. Kelly Rae Roberts
  3. Shanna Germaine @ chapter37 (also of year of the books)
  4. Holly @ Haus Maus (also of decor8 fame)
  5. Alessandra de Souza @ gypsygirlsguide
Thanks girls...

Monday, September 28, 2009

fatigue is tiring

Tired, by me in Ft. Collins, CO

My intention is to use this blog to stay accountable to my creativity & not muse on about my aches & pains & general grumbles, but it's hard to separate all of that from my creative life. My creative life is my creativity is affected by everything else around me, whether it's the fun swirling stuff or the icky stagnant stuff.

I've been navigating my way through some health (physical & mental) issues for the last 2+ years & this undoubtedly has colored my creativity...for better & worse. Because of it, I am tired all.the.time. And because of that, I often don't feel up to working on art...and it's not even that I don't feel physically up to it, but more mentally energized for it. The physical drain causes a mental strain...the combination of which keeps me down alot of the times, but I'm learning to find ways to work inspite of it. To find my creative force from beneath the muck of chronic fatigue & ever-looming lethargy.

The first year of struggling with these health things, I focused more on remedying the physical. I've had a kazillion tests; seen dozens of different doctors; tried various alternative techniques. I have had progress and setbacks, feelings of hope and defeat, self-pity and dusting-myself-off. Thankfully I have had art, even if it sits untouched for months on end, to fill some of those voids of uselessness that come up from not feeling capable of achieving even the basic everyday things.

It is also art that has pioneered the way to me getting out of my "professional" rut. And because of this, I have begun, just in the last few months really, to also start focusing on healing the mental as well...and partly why I decided to create this blog to help me along the way. I've had various advisors plant the seeds of the mind-body connection for years--that our very thoughts & beliefs manifest physically within our body. It only took one look in Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life to get a confirmation of exactly the mind/body connection going on in me currently. Two relavant ones that jump out at me:

Fatigue = resistance, boredom, lack of love for what one does.
Adrenal problems = defeatism, no longer caring for the self, anxiety.

So I am working to right the mental in hopes that the physical will follow. And I'm hoping that naming, nurturing, and then following my truth will allow the rest to right itself. I'm ready for the journey & to feeling like myself, not again, but really anew!


Friday, September 18, 2009

hatching a plan

So things are heating up during take 38 of my life of creativity...I feel like I've put it out there & already the Universe is rising up to meet me.

First off, a friend approached me about participating in an art show. I was dumbfounded when she approached me about it. I stopped by her place unplanned one day (with a last minute invite of course), and while we were talking she asked me if I thought it was a good idea & if she did it, would I want to be in it. Heck yeah times two, I said. I felt like it was an answer to my silent question of "what am I going to do w/ all these things I make...besides give them away to friends?" Boom...question answered...for the time being anyway. And who knows, maybe it will open the door for additional shows to follow. More to come on that.

Secondly, I had not one, but two major AH HA/EUREKA/BY GEORGE moments. The first one was after a brainstorming session I had with a trusted advisor. I was rambling through all my seemingly disconnected interests/career paths. It wasn't actually during this brainstorming session that I had the light bulb moment, but maybe 10 minutes later when I was by myself driving home from this conversation. It hit me how I could combine a couple of my top interests into one career path that I could potentially support myself financially with as well. It just my mind.

So for the next week+ I mulled it over & it kept seeming consistently doable...not like some ideas where the "yeah buts" come around as fast as the initial thought. I finally said it outload to someone, and I don't know if that made it more real or what, but the very next morning while I was having coffee, a lightening flash broke through the morning mind haze & I thought "why in the hell didn't I think of that before?" The second thought was where/how to pull it together. While it hadn't been a "yeah but," I did have concerns about the "where/how"...where to house this new path idea and really, how to fund it.

Not sure if it was good coffee or divine intervention, but that morning I suddenly realized I potentially had access to a physical resource sitting unused within my own family. I made a call to see if it was an option & wasn't met with resistance or even hesitation, but rather with a positive response along the lines of "let me run it up the flag pole and see what we can put together." Sounds like the cost would be but a minute fraction of what they're offering it to others...the where/how was feeling better & better. Because it would also relocate me back to my hometown of Austin (which would just be a little cherry on top)!

I'm still waiting to see what the flag pole has to say, and it could come back differently than it started, but right now it feels promising & is giving me the motivation to keep moving forward regardless of whether I have to rethink the where & how. Feels pretty good right about now.

Friday, September 4, 2009

gimme structure

Structure is what I need. I've been sort of aimlessly dabbling in my creativity since starting this blog, with nothing all that concrete to show for it....story of my creative life thus far. Don't get me wrong, I have some things I've created that I'm proud of, and a couple things I'm working on that I'm excited about finishing, but nothing is done & I'm not producing like I'd like to...not in a way that's eventually going to get me published or exhibited or even a solid inventory for Etsy.

I think what's lacking is discipline, deadlines,'s all too "out there, somewhere, in the future" still. I had a friend inquire when he could read a short piece I've been "working on" for ages now & I realized it wasn't anymore closer to being finished (or finessed) than many months ago when he'd last brought it up. Recently, I also had another friend over lunch offer to be a "technical consultant" of sorts & offer tidbits as needed on my writing. Both of these got me feeling both inspired and anxious, but more importantly, it got me thinking that having someone waiting to read (or see) my work helps put the pressure on...makes me accountable. For instance, 2 friends' birthdays are coming up which means 2 art pieces I started as gifts need to get by next weekend, one by month's end. While it's both frustrating and motivating to have hard stops lurking, it just seems to be the way I work best. I'd like to say that I could instigate a sense of self-motivation...that I should want it enough to rise to the occassion of completing something or even just working on something for the sheer personal satisfaction of getting it done. Alas, that just does not seem to be how I'm wired to function. But there's nothing like a deadline looming or having someone egging you on to light the fire under the ass of procrastination.

So even though neither of these friends are "writers" and even though neither of them will likely be editors or critics, just having them waiting seems to be enough for now to force me to get busy. And because there might not always someone volunteering to read my work or birthdays to make gifts for (plus I'd actually like to start having real editors read my writing & have art pieces to show & sell instead of everything being given away or as reading material for horny friends), I do need to start doing it for myself...and I'm hoping setting some imaginary deadlines will give me the faux internal motivation to produce something regularly.

So to start, I've set a deadline with one of the above mentioned reader friends to have a more final draft of this elusive many-months-come-and-gone story ready to read this Sunday. It's already helped me putter around with it a bit yesterday & this morning & will give me a reason to sit & buckle down to work on it this weekend! Let's see how it works out....fingers crossed.


Thursday, September 3, 2009


Falling to Pieces
mixed media assemblage by me

Fear is a funny thing. We think it keeps us safe, and I guess it does when true safety is really an issue. But when we use it to save us from ourselves, it can be downright debilitating and hurtful thing.

I don't know exactly when/why/how it started, but I'm now realizing that I've been chronically living in a state of fear...of what exactly I'm not entirely clear at this moment in time, but I do know it's much more pervasive in my life than anything else at this point. And I have a hard time naming it "fear," but the longer I look at it, the longer I feel it in my bones & my muscles & my gut & my heart, and the longer I try to name it with things like procrastination or insecurity or not-good-enough or illness or frustration I realize that all of it wraps comfortably within the definition of fear.

I have always been a person of great ideas, yet very few have come to be anything more than that. I have thoughts & dreams & wants & desires that stay firmly put in the cracks of my brain. I see things other people are doing & think "I can do that," but then I don't. I hear a tiny whisper in my heart & think "I want that" but don't take the steps to claim it. I can come up with a hundred reasons why I don't, but they are all actually veiled in fear.

The fear has manifested in many ways over the years...bad relationships, bad careers, bad situations, bad moves & decisions & even inaction. I think that last one is the one that eats away at me the most...inaction. Atleast with making bad decisions, I'm taking action & can stumble & fall & learn & get up. So you'd think with all the bad decisions I've made & bounced back from, I'd be a pro at just doing it & figuring it out later. But there are so many areas where inaction is the choice I make instead...I just sit, stagnant, frustrated, afraid to move in any direction. And the most infruiating part, is that it's that the things I choose to be inactive about are the things my soul is pushing me towards. Things that would probably ultimately dispell the fear & propel me toward the truest me.

So today I say fuck fear...tomorrow might be a different story, but atleast for today, fear can go fuck itself.


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

finding friendship

me hidden in the crowd @ The National Gallery, London

I had lunch the other day with a new(ish) friend. This isn't so much news in & of itself, but what is news is the way I came away from it...and the lingering effects that spending 1 hour in someone's company has had on me.

The lunch itself was good--I had a rockin' queen of hearts salad from Beck's Prime. The company was great & while the conversation wasn't uber heavy, it was really real...honest, true, secure. We hadn't hung out in awhile & I wasn't sure if the friendship had maybe fizzled already. But the easy way we picked back up set me at ease straight away. I found myself smiling the entire time, laughing even (gasp!). I felt light and interesting, funny and understanding. I came away from it feeling like a better person and inspired to be more me.

Now I don't know about anyone else, but it's been a really long time since someone's company has inspired me to reach higher. I have a couple of friends who I walk away from feeling enriched, but with most people I know, while I might enjoy their company, I don't feel a sense of betterment for having spent time in their company. The other lunch...with this person...I did. And it was a wonderful (and much needed) feeling!

Later that night, I found myself feeling swayed by that sense of enrichment...a subconcious inspiration to do better, want better, & be better kept bubbling up in my thoughts all night. A sense of my long-waning motivation started to simmer again: write more, branch out with my art more, take better physical care of myself, have more fun, be lighter in spirit. These are all things innately I want, but have been struggling to produce for myself. And who would have guessed an impromptu lunch would bring about such internal shifts?!

I'm still a bit baffled by it actually. Mostly in awe of the power of the Universe to give us exactly what we need exactly when we need it without our knowledge that we're getting it or even needing it! I'm just grateful that I clued into it (how could I not, I was a little bit high after lunch) & hope I can get some more moments like that with this very special person.