Fear is a funny thing. We think it keeps us safe, and I guess it does when true safety is really an issue. But when we use it to save us from ourselves, it can be downright debilitating and hurtful thing.
I don't know exactly when/why/how it started, but I'm now realizing that I've been chronically living in a state of fear...of what exactly I'm not entirely clear at this moment in time, but I do know it's much more pervasive in my life than anything else at this point. And I have a hard time naming it "fear," but the longer I look at it, the longer I feel it in my bones & my muscles & my gut & my heart, and the longer I try to name it with things like procrastination or insecurity or not-good-enough or illness or frustration I realize that all of it wraps comfortably within the definition of fear.
I have always been a person of great ideas, yet very few have come to be anything more than that. I have thoughts & dreams & wants & desires that stay firmly put in the cracks of my brain. I see things other people are doing & think "I can do that," but then I don't. I hear a tiny whisper in my heart & think "I want that" but don't take the steps to claim it. I can come up with a hundred reasons why I don't, but they are all actually veiled in fear.
The fear has manifested in many ways over the years...bad relationships, bad careers, bad situations, bad moves & decisions & even inaction. I think that last one is the one that eats away at me the most...inaction. Atleast with making bad decisions, I'm taking action & can stumble & fall & learn & get up. So you'd think with all the bad decisions I've made & bounced back from, I'd be a pro at just doing it & figuring it out later. But there are so many areas where inaction is the choice I make instead...I just sit, stagnant, frustrated, afraid to move in any direction. And the most infruiating part, is that it's that the things I choose to be inactive about are the things my soul is pushing me towards. Things that would probably ultimately dispell the fear & propel me toward the truest me.
So today I say fuck fear...tomorrow might be a different story, but atleast for today, fear can go fuck itself.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
mixed media assemblage by me