Monday, December 27, 2010

blue christmas

OK, I think it's offical...I'm having a blue Christmas. I'm sure it's mostly because I was hormonal the week leading to Christmas, of all weeks. Might also be because I've been nursing a bum foot (it's not serious, but it does hurt & makes walking annoying). Or could be because I opted not to pull out the small smattering of decorations I have to put up a tree.

Basically it's just that time of the year...seeing everyone else be cheery & bright & together & merry really does make this the loneliest time of year...for someone like me who doesn't do the whole family gathering or have the funds to buy everyone gifts or (and this is probably the biggest part) have a partner to spend it with. I tried to start a tradition a few years ago of being away from home on a personal vacation during Christmas, but as finances have dried up, that wasn't in the budget again this year.

Whatever the cause this year, it's definitely catching up with me as Christmas has come & gone and now we eek toward the the end of the year. I didn't make as much use out my 4 days off, home alone, this past weekend as I'd intended. I did alittle art, but mostly ALOT of TV watching. (seriously why is it easier to clear out the DVR rather than the stack of books left unread? I mean, both can be done from the couch!?) Alot of that has to do with being in a downslide with the CFS...still experiencing 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

I'm blaming it on the poor food choices I've been making (since Thanksgiving really--mostly to numb I'm sure as the weight of the season snuck up on me). I'm not sure when I'll learn that eating for comfort is the most uncomfortable choice with my just causes the fatigue & the mental exhaustion & the irritability & the body aches & the hopelessness to flare up each & every time. But thankfully THAT is something I can change & so I shall (and will keep doing until it sticks). I would like to be kind to myself in this final week of 2010, so that I can start another year in a better place & make better things happen.


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