Friday, October 2, 2009

moving & grooving

metal gate, by me

I'm in the process of contemplating some major life changes. Namely moving back to my "hometown" although it hasn't felt completely like "home" anymore for many visits back now. I've been in Houston almost 8 years (alot longer than I ever thought I would) & as much as I've bitched about this city for the majority of those years, the thought of leaving makes me alittle sad for several reasons.

The reason for the move back to Austin really is solely based on an opportunity to buy a family house for a VERY good price, which just so happens to include a large workshop/studio space (and sentimentally one that my grandfather built many years before he died). In fact, he built it for my grandmother to house her doll-making supplies, and then later for her to hold her doll classes. In a sense, I feel that I will be honoring the original intent of the space by bringing my art and eventually my own classes into it.

When I think about that aspect...and only that heart leaps & I feel happy & inspired & insync. I have been putting out the energy to have a larger workspace & then once I nailed down my desire to combine my art with my wants to teach and help people empower themselves, the long-available house called to me out of the blue one morning as being the perfect space to make it happen.

Where I'm finding the resistance is in the logistics: the what-if's and but-how's about relocating in this economy & to a town that is notorious for low pay (both of which are the reasons I originally had to leave). How can I commit to one of the biggest financial commitments, home ownership, even for a super great price on this house a) without knowing I'll have a solid income to support it, b) with few any-kind-of-jobs even available right now, and c) without anything already saved as a cushion? Then I ask "what am I going to do with that big house...all by myself...when I can barely keep up with the little house I rent now where I can call the landlord for emergency repairs?"

But probably biggest & most frustrating (and hardest to actually admit) is knowing that leaving this city will mean saying goodbye & letting forever go of the (however faint) potential for a future with J. Mind you, it's been a future-in-waiting for about 2 yrs now & it's been a rocky & confusing wait, but I guess inspite of all of that, something somewhere (my heart) and for some reason (love) inside me has still been holding a wee shred of hope for a reunion and our happily-ever-after...which moving seems like it would require letting go of completely. Perhaps that's what scares & pains me the most--it's what stirs the most panic & what makes me want to just stay & find a way to make it all work here instead.

Now why would I trade building a future rooted in my passion & of my own creation for something that has been dangling flimsily from a thread of uncertainty for 2 years now? I wish I knew. The truth is, I could build the artistic future here or there...there really are parallel pros & cons to getting it going in either city................

Ugh, this post is pissing me off. And I could wait & not post it like this, but I want a chronicle of the frustration, so I think I will leave it at that for now & post as is & come back w/ a fresher perspective...I'm too close at the moment.


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