Man, September is definitely here--and with a bang no less. Only one weekend in & boy was it a doozie of a topsy turvy roller coaster of emotion.
But let me back up. I think I previously referenced diving back into the (online) dating pool, which I have now been wading in for about 3 weeks. I've met a great guy via the online site & have had two great dates. This is the most promising thing that's happened to me in the last 3 years...so it's no wonder it's making me a little nutty...happy, but nutty!
This dating stuff has rustled up some festering, unresolved emotions I have about someone I fell in love with about 3 years ago. Someone I have kept in touch with every day since then, yet haven't physically seen in almost 2.5 years. At first it was easy to wait (visa issues + a demanding job made it tough). Every month I'd hold out hope that maybe this was the month the visa would get sorted out. Then the months lingered on, turning into 6, 9, 12. I made reference to meeting up elsewhere if he couldn't come here, but he could never manage the time off. He spent 7 days a week working 16+ hr days in a shithole of a country. Having a life was quickly becoming a thing of the past for him, and he was letting it. Fast forward 2.5 years & I'm still holding on, albeit angrily & with resentment oozing out from between my clenched fingers. I finally made the decision to get back out there & stop waiting, hence the online dating. But even in so doing, I was still having mixed emotions about it...still feeling emotionally connected to him. I STILL was unable to fully give up the dream I'd so stubbornly clung to.
But the Universe intervened, helping me make the final break I've been unable to make for a long time. (well I'm still in the painful process of fully accepting the break, but I have more of a peace about it than I ever have, so I've no doubt it's a done deal). I won't go into the why's & how's of it coming to pass now when it hasn't so far, but suffice it to say, some external happening pushed me to the brink of such a devastating hurt that I could no longer ignore, contain, or rationalize all the anger that's been lying in wait. It still hurts to let go of the dream & I realized, as I went about trying to gather up memories of him to box up, there are no boxes big enough to pack away a dream. I can get rid of the pictures & momentos & gifts & emails & all the other bits of history that linger in every crack & corner of my house--a house he hasn't even physically been in for well over 2 years, yet holds so much about him--but the overriding dream cannot simply be sealed up or tossed away. It will still take time, but I'm feeling freer each moment of each day.
And hopeful that my dating endeavors can now take a front seat & also be free of the ties to someone & something else. Once again, with every failed attempt at anything, I now have a more clear vision of what I want, need & deserve...and I am working every day to accept the fact that I am worth so much more than I've allowed for myself thus far. This inspires me to no end...I only wish I'd had as much insight at 29 (or shoot even now at 39).