Wednesday, January 25, 2012

seeking serenity

I sure have been quiet around here. I moved my blog to a new URL to try to limit my stalker's access (part of why I've been so absent is not wanting him to see what I'm up to). I've had alot I've wanted to say...comment on my Goals List from 2011, announce my intention word for 2012, chronicle some of the ups & downs from the end of the year...and these things will come, just not today.

Since my last post in (gasp) September 2011, when I made a premature cry of hope, I have been on the slippery slope of feeling OK then downright bad again. I was doing pretty good between Thanksgiving & Christmas. I managed to get off sugar again for about 3 weeks prior to Christmas & was starting to feel human again. I took an online photo class which was fun & got me out of the house more than usual. I borrowed a friends bicycle which also got me out of the house & put a smile on my face & some joy in my heart (despite taking up a ridiculously large amount of space in my living room).

BUT as Christmas has a tendency to do (especially when you give in & agree to do celebrating with family), I got sucked into the lure of Christmas cuisine. Followed by the high/low of a New Year beginning. And quite frankly, I feel like I'm still suffering from all of that almost a month later. I am especially struggling with getting back on the wagon with my food.

This is nothing new with me...I've struggled with food issues even outside of this recent health crisis. It used to be I struggled with food from a weight perspective, but now, with this illness, I struggle with it from a health perspective. You'd think feeling like crap day in/day out would motivate one to avoid foods that hurt them & stay clean with good foods that heal them. But food issues run deeper than rational thinking, they run deeper than feeling poorly everyday, they are basically at the core of who I am...or more specifically who I let myself believe I am. They are deep, they are real, and they will trump everything else if I'm not in a stable place emotionally to wrangle them.


I have a history with food, recovery from food, avoidance of foods, succumbing to food, dictating food & being dictated by food. One of the most balanced times in my life was when I was in Overeaters Anonymous (OA) beginning in late 1998...and more specifically, following the Grey Sheet plan of recovery to the letter for 3 solid years. It was hard, but I had a sponsor, I had a support network, and most importantly, I had a willingness to do it one-day-at-a-time. Little did I know at the time that the Grey Sheet plan was EXACTLY the food plan that I would later come to understand was the best way for me to eat: no sugar, no flour/grains, no alcohol, no high carb fruits/veggies, with weighed/measured meals to prevent over-consumption. I struggled to find a new support system within OA when I moved from Austin to Houston in 2002...I attended meetings for awhile, but didn't find the level of recovery from the members like those I'd relied on in Austin. So slowly, I fell away, and slowly the recovery did too.


I will write at another time about my specific experience with OA. For now, as I struggle to maintain a healthy way of eating now for my healing, I keep going back to those times & those lessons, hoping to reclaim some of my willingness from those days of balance & vitality, remember the mantra: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the willingness to know the difference.

xoxo!

7 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing, Gluten! Love ya & cheering for ya!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by J...I really appreciate it!

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  2. YAY - you are writing again. That is a GREAT thing. Love ya, D

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  3. Wow KT! You are amazing!! Keep it going sister! Xoxo

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  4. Katherine-
    You're honesty is wonderful. I think a lot of the overeating issues have to do w/ burnout and candida. You can be born w/ adrenal fatigue, which can set up a pattern for food/alcohol addiction? Anyways, this is something I can relate to on a certain level and I think you're great for persevering in this!

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    1. Thanks for the words Maria & for stopping by. You've inspired me to get back to blogging...not always about my health, but FOR my health as well. Thanks!

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