Thursday, July 31, 2008

waves, detours, and miles apart

I spoke to my boyfriend last night, which I do most nights, and usually the calls have been brief, one-sided since his days only consist of working & stress & not feeling well, etc, etc, so I do most of the talking. But last night he was "pished" (Scottish for drunk), but not incoherent. We actually had a rather nice conversation...and it was mostly him talking, and talking, and talking. But it was very nice to hear his chatter. Reminded me of early dating days, not all that long ago,but after so much time apart, feels like forever ago.

Last night was the first time I'd heard him sound so energized (and just generally interested) in a long time. He used to be a professional musician and he definitely lights up talking about music, so when he talked about some of his olden days & some top shows he'd seen & generally relaying his musical opinions & knowledge to me. I could hear that he was all aglow even from 6,500 miles away.

It made me wonder (not that I haven't a hundred times already) what exactly is his motivation for the job he's doing & the life he's leading over there...but mostly wondering if it's worth the sacrifices he's making to be there. Sacrifices like missing out on a proper relationship with me, having a comfortable home to live in, having fun with friends & doing things that feed his soul & spirit, like playing & watching music. I'm sure I've asked him this question before, in varying forms, but he's never really responded. I don't think he likes to think about it too much.

I have been learning lots of lessons through him & his "situation." I grumble about him not living life more, being a slave to the job/project, etc, etc and it's forced me to look at the same for myself. Granted, I haven't been feeling like living life very much in recent years, but watching him "waste" precious time working like he does (well to me it's wasted), makes me want to appreciate more for myself on this side of the world. Just being sick in general has made me appreciate more.

I think about the days I used to complain about having to go I'd give my left nut to be able to sweat at the Park for 30 minutes. Or the times I'd complain about not having anything to I really don't unless I get up & make it from scratch. So when I do have little snippets of energy, I try to make the most of it, in as safe of ways as possible because who knows when the next wave of fatigue will take hold.

I also grumble to myself that things are languishing...I mean, there's no plan, there's no goal, there's no destination--where are we going, what are we doing, what's our future, do we have a furtutre, why am I waiting for him, what am I waiting for...all that crap that swirls in my head on most days. But the truth is, who the hell knows anyway. I could plan it to the nth degree & it wouldn't matter. Life has its own time table, its own game plan, its own routine...and life does what it wants while we're busy making our grand plans anyway, so why bother wasting the days with worry like that? I'm learning that from him...he doesn't have a clue...and from not feeling well.

Here's hoping those waves of energy start rolling in more often...but until then, I will wait and see where the fatigue (and the waiting) leads me.

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