Now I don't want this to turn into a "dating blog" (how'd I go from a year of living creatively to rambling on about relationships & dating?), but right now dating is my new gig (as well as studying to become a dog trainer--oh yeah, there's that too!).
The thing is, I've not done it for 3 years & honestly I hadn't really had alot of practice with it before then either. You see, I was with the same man from the age of 19-31, so I lost some prime dating/learning years in my 20's.
As part of the process I referenced in my earlier post, I'm realizing some things about me--seeing some patterns & noting overlapping similarities threaded throughout my life. I have realized I approach dating much in the same way I've approached job searching. Ever since graduating from college in 1993, I have been miserable in my jobs--every.single.one.of.them! But with each new job I'd seek, I'd be so thrilled just to get an interview & I wanted to make the best impression & prove I was the best candidate, so they'd pick me & give me the job! Without giving much thought as to whether I really wanted this job or to work for this company. And then I'd find myself stuck in a job I didn't like, until I got fed up & went in search of another in just the same way!
I think I've approached relationships exactly the same way. If a guy is interested in me (and halfway attractive to me in some way), well then I better take him! And then I'd spend the rest of the relationship trying to make him into the guy I would have preferred him to be instead of the one he actually was. It's like I wanted to make sure I was right for him, who cared if he was actually right for me.
I'm going to approach dating more like a job interview in reverse: he has to prove to me whether his skill set, experience level, and qualifications are good enough to get hired for the job of MY boyfriend. I know it sounds obvious, but sadly this has never been my M.O. with guys, but it is drastically changing my view of dating this go-round. Instead of seeing a delay in or lack of contact as something wrong with me (he must not like me or he must be seeing someone else better), I'm now seeing it as "well he just screwed that up...resume in the bin." It's making a HUGE difference in my confidence level & helping quiet the "why hasn't he called" or "will he ask me out again."
More dating baby steps--tiny victories at a time!
xoxo!
I love the job interview analogy! I also went through my 20s and my 30s not thinking about it as thoroughly as I could have. Now, as I enter later 30s, I've tried to treat it more like an exchange of info, where I'm testing the waters to see if the other party is also a good fit (job and relationship wise). I think it kinda worked b/c this is the first job where I've gotten some fulfillment (despite the crazy hours sometimes) and the first relationship where I've felt truly hopeful (despite the crazy intercontinental thing I've now landed in). Sending you good wishes that you also find a way that works better than you knew!
ReplyDeleteGosh, sorry for the loong comment :)
Good for you K! I'm so proud of you. It's one thing to discover or own up to things about our personality or trends. It's another to make a change for the better and apply what we've learned. You're doing both and it's inspiring. Rave on girlfriend. Love ya! coco
ReplyDeleteYep, when the shoe doesn't fit, ey? Wish you all the best with everything!
ReplyDeleteStill out there???? No entries in a while, so everything must be going a-ok!
ReplyDelete