fear

Falling to Pieces

mixed media assemblage by me

Fear is a funny thing. We think it keeps us safe, and I guess it does when true safety is really an issue. But when we use it to save us from ourselves, it can be downright debilitating and hurtful thing.

I don't know exactly when/why/how it started, but I'm now realizing that I've been chronically living in a state of fear...of what exactly I'm not entirely clear at this moment in time, but I do know it's much more pervasive in my life than anything else at this point. And I have a hard time naming it "fear," but the longer I look at it, the longer I feel it in my bones & my muscles & my gut & my heart, and the longer I try to name it with things like procrastination or insecurity or not-good-enough or illness or frustration I realize that all of it wraps comfortably within the definition of fear.

I have always been a person of great ideas, yet very few have come to be anything more than that. I have thoughts & dreams & wants & desires that stay firmly put in the cracks of my brain. I see things other people are doing & think "I can do that," but then I don't. I hear a tiny whisper in my heart & think "I want that" but don't take the steps to claim it. I can come up with a hundred reasons why I don't, but they are all actually veiled in fear.

The fear has manifested in many ways over the years...bad relationships, bad careers, bad situations, bad moves & decisions & even inaction. I think that last one is the one that eats away at me the most...inaction. Atleast with making bad decisions, I'm taking action & can stumble & fall & learn & get up. So you'd think with all the bad decisions I've made & bounced back from, I'd be a pro at just doing it & figuring it out later. But there are so many areas where inaction is the choice I make instead...I just sit, stagnant, frustrated, afraid to move in any direction. And the most infruiating part, is that it's that the things I choose to be inactive about are the things my soul is pushing me towards. Things that would probably ultimately dispell the fear & propel me toward the truest me.

So today I say fuck fear...tomorrow might be a different story, but atleast for today, fear can go fuck itself.

xoxo.

finding friendship

me hidden in the crowd @ The National Gallery, London

I had lunch the other day with a new(ish) friend. This isn't so much news in & of itself, but what is news is the way I came away from it...and the lingering effects that spending 1 hour in someone's company has had on me.

The lunch itself was good--I had a rockin' queen of hearts salad from Beck's Prime. The company was great & while the conversation wasn't uber heavy, it was really real...honest, true, secure. We hadn't hung out in awhile & I wasn't sure if the friendship had maybe fizzled already. But the easy way we picked back up set me at ease straight away. I found myself smiling the entire time, laughing even (gasp!). I felt light and interesting, funny and understanding. I came away from it feeling like a better person and inspired to be more me.

Now I don't know about anyone else, but it's been a really long time since someone's company has inspired me to reach higher. I have a couple of friends who I walk away from feeling enriched, but with most people I know, while I might enjoy their company, I don't feel a sense of betterment for having spent time in their company. The other day...at lunch...with this person...I did. And it was a wonderful (and much needed) feeling!

Later that night, I found myself feeling swayed by that sense of enrichment...a subconcious inspiration to do better, want better, & be better kept bubbling up in my thoughts all night. A sense of my long-waning motivation started to simmer again: write more, branch out with my art more, take better physical care of myself, have more fun, be lighter in spirit. These are all things innately I want, but have been struggling to produce for myself. And who would have guessed an impromptu lunch would bring about such internal shifts?!

I'm still a bit baffled by it actually. Mostly in awe of the power of the Universe to give us exactly what we need exactly when we need it without our knowledge that we're getting it or even needing it! I'm just grateful that I clued into it (how could I not, I was a little bit high after lunch) & hope I can get some more moments like that with this very special person.

xoxo.

time traveler

Time Traveler

made by me for my British penpal of 20 yrs

I recently met a friend whom I'd known for 20 years, but never met. We became penpals in 1989 via an ad for "get your own penpal" in the back of Rolling Stone magazine. I think for $5 one could send off for a list of international friends--you could specify nationality, language, sex, age, etc. Looking back, it could have been a rather seedy endeavor, but from my naive high school senior perspective, it seemed harmless enough. What I really wanted was a German friend to practice language, but little did I know, it would produce a long-lasting friendship...and 20 yrs later, a great vacation to western England...and beyond!

me confused in Piccadilly...Aug '09

xoxo!

hello, yellow brick road

follow the yellow brick road: The Wizard of Oz, Warner Bros.

Well week 1 of the new blog & I haven't contributed too much to it. I'm not going to fret or beat myself or of give myself the see-I-told-you-so's either. It just is what it is...and it will continue to be what I make it.

I saw Julie & Julia this weekend. Cute movie & Meryll Streep is so fantastic...and the whole story is very inspiring. Now, I'm not expecting my blog itself to do all that, but it was a fierce reminder of how putting an intention out there (even a seemingly unintentional intention) & letting the Universe work its magic is really what we are charged with doing. So that's exactly my intention with this blog...a forum to organize my ideas, knowing that by simply taking the steps in a direction, any direction, the Universe will lay the path for me to follow.

I haven't done alot this week...but I have had a wellspring of ideas that I've been capturing and nuturing and marinating and planning for. Mostly art, but some snippets of story/writing ideas too. It feels good to have the creative juices flowing & by documenting them, I am giving myself permission to explore them in due time. I cannot do it all at once & change will not happen overnight. I am slowly accepting this. But step by step, I will find my Oz at whichever rest-stop the Universe decides to construct it...I know building permits & zoning restrictions are probably a pain in the Emerald City!

xoxo!

Claim It | Do It | Own It

*possibility on the horizon*

Caernarfon Castle, Wales

photo by me

This blog is really just for me--a place to start, to collect my thoughts, to hold myself accountable. If someone else gets something out of it, that's good. If it brings me into a community of other like-minds, that'll be great. If it forces me out of my fear of doing, that would be the best.

I turned 38 about a month ago. It's come after a long, slow, frustrating year of not feeling well or doing much living--a bit of a lost year it would seem to many and has seemed that way to me along the way. Of course, nothing is truly lost and as such, I've made a promise to myself to reclaim my life in the ways that the one-time whispers are now screaming for me to follow. A life of creativity. I still do not entirely know what that entails...I dabble in writing, in found-object art, in dreaming and scheming and imagining. But so far, I haven't given much energy to anything and therefore not much of anything has come to be.

Since turning 38: I've taken a trip abroad, met in person, for the first time, a friend whom I'd already known for 20 years, made a decision to distance myself from a relationship that wasn't serving me well, slept with a boy for the sole purpose of retelling it (okay, so I got alittle something out of it in the process), and committed to the promise of moving forward into this next year with creativity as my guide. Not a bad month really now that I think about it...and I want to create many more months like this one.

So here is where I will explore a life of doing...of creating, of discovering, of coming into whatever it is that I am being internally challenged with becoming. So here we are & I'm ready for my close up: Act 1, Scene 1, Take 38!

xoxo!

gluten, dairy & peanuts...no more!

Now that I'm starting to narrow down what's been ailing me, thanks to my super new nutritionist, I've begun to find my way back to feeling better. Seems what's been doing me the most damage is an allergy/intolerance/sensitivity to gluten, dairy (casein to be exact) and peanuts (off all things).

I feel so grateful to have some answers & no longer randomly shooting in the dark. I know these to be THE answers because as I've been eliminating and reorganizing my diet, I have seen the improvements in my energy, mental clarity, emotional stability, chronic pain, digestive discomforts, and sleep quality. It's not to say that I'm cured or even 100% better--it's a learning curve & darn if I don't push the boundaries to see just how close I can get to the line before feeling like crap again. But I'm learning...slowly but surely...what works & what doesn't.

I will use this arena to hone my gluten-free, casein-free, peanut-free dietary skills, share the information I've learned, as well as engage in the online community of other folks navigating the sometimes frustrating waters of dietary challenges.

the funk of loneliness

I've had friends in & out of my house due to the power outages from Ike. They've come over to do life things like laundry & Internet, as well as sleep & just "be" in electricity. Even though I've felt lonely for some time now, having people around has illuminated just how alone I've become. Simply having someone in another room, a presence so nearby, has been quietly comforting & perhaps even reassuring that I will not forever want to be alone as I have been feeling lately.

As a result of not feeling good physically, I've allowed myself to retreat for rest & to research remedies for rejuvenation (and apparently alliteration). I have always been nursing my aching heart...for many many months it's been due to waiting, longing for my love to come home, but now it's due to letting him go as we've decided, in his words, to "go out separate ways."

I don't know how others do it, but when I'm in pain, I want to be left alone. When I hurt my body, I don't want to be touched & when my heart hurts, I don't even want to be seen. I just want to hole up, endure the pain, and wait for the day when I can confidently crawl out and expose myself again. It's not a particularly good method, but it's the one I've adopted throughout these seemingly many recent years of emotional ups & downs. To me, the cruelest part of breaking up is that you're losing the very person you want to turn to for help easing the pain. It makes being down all the lonelier, if you ask me.

Currently, I'm still down...hurting inside, disappointed, unable to fully accept what is vs. what I want. But with the help of presence...not words or wisdom or forced socialness...I'm reassured that I will have the choice again, one day, to not feel terminally alone.