Saturday, November 14, 2009

the lonelies

very cool fountain (name unknown), Birmingham, UK

Been gripped with loneliness lately. And not necessarily the kind from not being around people--while I can be a bit of a loner (by choice), I'm around people at work & I have friends whom I see on occassion; however, even in the midst of these options of people, I still feel quite lonely & choose more often than not, to spend my time alone.

I'm definitley lonely for someone in particular. Sometimes I'm lonely for anyone in general. I have a love I haven't seen in 2 yrs. It's complicated & I won't go into the details or analysis of why it's been 2 whole fucking years. Suffice it to say, there is someone whom I miss deeply & daily...for hundreds & hundreds of days now. It's been hard to hold on, yet equally hard to let go because there's still a love that flows both ways, but circumstances (and perhaps some stubborness and/or reasons unknown to me) have kept us apart.

I have been gentle with myself (maybe too gentle at this rate), allowing myself to let go alittle at a time, yet somehow I still cling to those future hopes & dreams I created in the past....before 2 years became my reality. I've even allowed myself a very brief tryst with someone & tried to nurture thoughts of perhaps finding another to love. It's been hard. I've been slow to release my heart & I think because of this, I subconciously keep myself in a state of loneliness...lonely for him as well as lonely for someone who's not him.

Most days I just want to be wanted. Some days I'm convinced I only want to be wanted by him. And on a few rare days, unlike today, I'm confident that it'll all even out & I will find someone I don't have to long for.

ps: it probably doesn't help that today is his birthday.


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