compost happens...so does shit!

compost bin, #13 off the list

Man oh man, I've been MIA & scattered & sporadic & unfocused & down & up &...well, just not here! I feel like I've got alot to write about, yet nothing to say. I guess you could say I feel a bit lost to myself right now.

The biggest update, I suppose is that about 2.5 weeks ago (June 18th to be exact), I went to a new doctor/clinic in hopes of finding help with my continued flailing health. Based on my laundry list of symptoms + physical exam, they started me on some hormones (thyroid, progesterone, cortisol, etc) plus a super-strict anti-yeast diet with medication for that. The blood tests I received about 10 days later confirmed that I am having thyroid problems (autoimmune thyroiditis), plus adrenal fatigue, plus super low vitamin D, plus high levels showing internal inflammation. Blah, blah, blah...basically I finally have some actual "proof" that something's wrong which is a HUGE start.

After about 2 weeks, I am starting to notice some improvements in energy, mood, & motivation. Not like 100% improvements, but moves in the right direction. [I don't want to jinx myself here, and it's not a quick-fix & will take about 3 months to right me, if it is the proper treatment.] In fact, just this weekend I did the following all in one day: art, errands, exercise (hooping), cooking, misc household chores, and phone talking! Plus I did it all with a bit of a twinkle in my eye. This might be a normal day for most, but it was MUCH different than the ones I'm used to lately. But that was one day...and while I'm grateful...today's been a bit different.

I don't know if it's just that I don't know what to do with myself with a sustained level of energy or if it's hard breaking out of the old pattern of slothfulness or what, but I fizzled out today & slugged around most of the day instead of keeping the momentum going with art & things I've been craving & dreaming of doing for months.

It probably didn't help that I felt a bit down today...lonely is really more the word I should be using. There, I said it, I'm Lonely! I've become so isolated from not feeling like doing anything & the fact that I haven't had a real partner in 3 years is frustrating, as is the fact that the partner I last had is still lingering in a long distance way in my life, yet he's not even fully present from his distant perch. All in all, I just feel lonelier than I ever have...friends are few between (and far flung), dating is non-existent, and me alone at home is becoming very tiresome & monotonous.

Monotonous is a good word too...I don't feel inspired yet. Not with my art. Not with my writing. Not with my career change. Not with dating. Not with anything really (well, the hooping is definitely helping & I'm coming along even in just a couple short days). So I'm just hoping those other things (the inspiration & motivation & oomph) will start to catch up to the energy as it continues (hopefully) to grace me with its presence more & more.

I could go on & on with whining about how I'm not doing this or not accomplishing that, but I won't....I'll leave it on a positive note of everything catching up in due time. Because the truth is, I'm feeling a hell of a lot more hopeful about it than I was even just 3 weeks ago!

xoxo!