Tuesday, December 1, 2009
keeping my eye on the prize
I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize these days, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure what that prize is anymore. My head is still swirling with ideas & doubts & uncertainties & blocks.
I had my 4 days of freedom from the cube for the Thanksgiving holiday weekend...a time I had been anticipating to start back in on my art work full force, uninterrupted in my newly organized workspace. Oh how fabulous it was going to be. Know what--I didn't do dick! I mean I painted a bird on a mixed-media canvas that I started a kazillion months ago. It (the bird) came out unexpectedly good, but still...I didn't finish the damn canvas. I laid a few found objects next to 2 barely started boxes, but I didn't affix or construct anything to take it to the next level of doneness. I pulled a few pages out of the white page directory to use in a piece that's been burrowing in my brain for about a year now, but I have yet to put anything into a concrete form for it.
What is my f*&#ing problem?! Is art not really where it's at for me? Is it like my writing where I have a bundle of half-started stories & fancy ideas that span the better part of 15 yrs, not to mention a writing degree I received in 1993? I've blogged about it before--the grasping, the reaching, the trying to find something, my thing that will quiet the nagging creativity in me...the voices that tell me to do more, be more, find your niche, your passion, your calling, your destiny...it's out there, keep going, keep trying, you'll get there. The more I grasp, the more it seems to allude me.
Or am I fooling myself? Am I reaching for something that's not there? Or atleast not out there? I got an education in writing. I taught myself art. I have my eye on this class & that e-course, hoping I can find that nugget of knowing somewhere along the line. Is it okay that I flit here and fly there? Maybe it is. Maybe it's a waste of time. How can I keep my eye on the prize when I'm not sure if it's behind door #1, 2, or 3?