moving & grooving

metal gate, by me

I'm in the process of contemplating some major life changes. Namely moving back to my "hometown" although it hasn't felt completely like "home" anymore for many visits back now. I've been in Houston almost 8 years (alot longer than I ever thought I would) & as much as I've bitched about this city for the majority of those years, the thought of leaving makes me alittle sad for several reasons.

The reason for the move back to Austin really is solely based on an opportunity to buy a family house for a VERY good price, which just so happens to include a large workshop/studio space (and sentimentally one that my grandfather built many years before he died). In fact, he built it for my grandmother to house her doll-making supplies, and then later for her to hold her doll classes. In a sense, I feel that I will be honoring the original intent of the space by bringing my art and eventually my own classes into it.

When I think about that aspect...and only that aspect...my heart leaps & I feel happy & inspired & insync. I have been putting out the energy to have a larger workspace & then once I nailed down my desire to combine my art with my wants to teach and help people empower themselves, the long-available house called to me out of the blue one morning as being the perfect space to make it happen.

Where I'm finding the resistance is in the logistics: the what-if's and but-how's about relocating in this economy & to a town that is notorious for low pay (both of which are the reasons I originally had to leave). How can I commit to one of the biggest financial commitments, home ownership, even for a super great price on this house a) without knowing I'll have a solid income to support it, b) with few any-kind-of-jobs even available right now, and c) without anything already saved as a cushion? Then I ask "what am I going to do with that big house...all by myself...when I can barely keep up with the little house I rent now where I can call the landlord for emergency repairs?"

But probably biggest & most frustrating (and hardest to actually admit) is knowing that leaving this city will mean saying goodbye & letting forever go of the (however faint) potential for a future with J. Mind you, it's been a future-in-waiting for about 2 yrs now & it's been a rocky & confusing wait, but I guess inspite of all of that, something somewhere (my heart) and for some reason (love) inside me has still been holding a wee shred of hope for a reunion and our happily-ever-after...which moving seems like it would require letting go of completely. Perhaps that's what scares & pains me the most--it's what stirs the most panic & what makes me want to just stay & find a way to make it all work here instead.

Now why would I trade building a future rooted in my passion & of my own creation for something that has been dangling flimsily from a thread of uncertainty for 2 years now? I wish I knew. The truth is, I could build the artistic future here or there...there really are parallel pros & cons to getting it going in either city................

Ugh, this post is pissing me off. And I could wait & not post it like this, but I want a chronicle of the frustration, so I think I will leave it at that for now & post as is & come back w/ a fresher perspective...I'm too close at the moment.

xoxo!

catching dreams

Dream Catcher

mixed media assemblage by me

(for D's birthday)

I've been working on a list of "dreams"...intentions really...things I'd like to do/put out into the Universe as an offering and a request for help in achieving my heart's desires.

I have been feeling very nutured by the Universe lately, so I'm trusting it more. Maybe it's because I'm not fighting with myself as much. Maybe it's because I'm trying to trust the process more. And maybe it's just because I'm allowing myself to believe in myself for a change...especially when I stop long enough to see the signs & feel guiding hands giving me nudges & thumbs-ups.

So I thought I should put my list of dreams OUT THERE...as scary as that feels even though nobody is reading my blog but me. If for no other reason that to finally be able to say: I believe in my own dreams dammit! It is by no means a static list...it's a start. Perhaps I will update it every few months--cross off & add to.

1. earn a comfortable living exclusively thru creative/artistic means
2. share my passion for creativity & self-empowerment/healing (conduct art therapy/workshops)
3. find a partner to share my life withl, a man who encourages me to be my best, truest & silliest & is willing to be the same (hoping this is w/ a certain Scotsman, but open to what is meant to be)
4. explore photography
5. live in a unique, personalized house with a large studio/workshop
6. live part-time in Europe (UK most likely)
7. trust my journey and live with joy
8. write & get published
9. create/become part of a community of like-minded & inspiring friends
10. nurture myself physically, allowing myself to be healthy, strong & fit
11. learn a 2nd language (either improve my German or tackle Spanish)
12. dance regularly
13. cultivate a beautiful, ever-growing garden
14. risk more artistically & dream bigger creatively
15. show my work to the public
16. learn to sew
17. learn to knit and/or crochet
18. take life less seriously
19. take weekend/day trips

It's a small step...but every journey begins with one, right?
xoxo!

girl crush

Dianna F+ by Lomography

I've had my eye on this cutie for about a year now. I know nothing about photography...well, not nothing, but not alot. All I really know is that I want her & I want her to show me things & I want us to be BFFs. Is that so wrong?!


xoxo!

alice in blogland

I love finding new blogs whose author's words/ ideas/images/experiences I immediately connect with. And then reading obsessively straight through to the very first post, often times back years. It might take me a couple of days, maybe a full week, but I really enjoy absorbing myself in the interesting ones & then find myself sad when I've reached the beginning & have to wait for new, current posts to come around! There have been times I've started at the beginning, but I prefer to read backwards, seeing how ideas from older posts came to be & fitting the chronology or life event puzzle together, all the while feeling like I know their successes before they do.

I rarely, if ever, reach out or comment (something I am trying to change now that I've started my own). Yet even still, these strangers keep me company in my work cube during the many days I have nothing work-related to do & long to be spending those days absorbed in my passion, earning a living in a way that fulfills me and nourishes my soul...rather than sucking my energy from sheer, mindnumbing boredom.

Soon, hopefully very soon.

Until then, I will continue voyueristically enjoying my blogger finds...inevitably falling down the rabbit hole to another & yet another remarkably talented & interesting soul...stocking up on inspiration, support, imagination and soul nutrients along the way!

Here are some ladies who've capitavated me & kept me company in the cube...and inspired me by their own journeys near & far.

1. Susannah Conway @ inkonmyfingers
   (whom I discovered when I won a photo give-away at the next lady's site)
   
2. Kelly Rae Roberts
   
3. Shanna Germaine @ chapter37 (also of year of the books)
   
4. Holly @ Haus Maus (also of decor8 fame)
   
5. Alessandra de Souza @ gypsygirlsguide

Thanks girls...
xoxo!

fatigue is tiring

Tired, by me in Ft. Collins, CO

My intention is to use this blog to stay accountable to my creativity & not muse on about my aches & pains & general grumbles, but it's hard to separate all of that from my creative life. My creative life is my life...my creativity is affected by everything else around me, whether it's the fun swirling stuff or the icky stagnant stuff.

I've been navigating my way through some health (physical & mental) issues for the last 2+ years & this undoubtedly has colored my creativity...for better & worse. Because of it, I am tired all.the.time. And because of that, I often don't feel up to working on art...and it's not even that I don't feel physically up to it, but more mentally energized for it. The physical drain causes a mental strain...the combination of which keeps me down alot of the times, but I'm learning to find ways to work inspite of it. To find my creative force from beneath the muck of chronic fatigue & ever-looming lethargy.

The first year of struggling with these health things, I focused more on remedying the physical. I've had a kazillion tests; seen dozens of different doctors; tried various alternative techniques. I have had progress and setbacks, feelings of hope and defeat, self-pity and dusting-myself-off. Thankfully I have had art, even if it sits untouched for months on end, to fill some of those voids of uselessness that come up from not feeling capable of achieving even the basic everyday things.

It is also art that has pioneered the way to me getting out of my "professional" rut. And because of this, I have begun, just in the last few months really, to also start focusing on healing the mental as well...and partly why I decided to create this blog to help me along the way. I've had various advisors plant the seeds of the mind-body connection for years--that our very thoughts & beliefs manifest physically within our body. It only took one look in Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life to get a confirmation of exactly the mind/body connection going on in me currently. Two relavant ones that jump out at me:

Fatigue = resistance, boredom, lack of love for what one does.
Adrenal problems = defeatism, no longer caring for the self, anxiety.

So I am working to right the mental in hopes that the physical will follow. And I'm hoping that naming, nurturing, and then following my truth will allow the rest to right itself. I'm ready for the journey & to feeling like myself, not again, but really anew!

xoxo!

hatching a plan

So things are heating up during take 38 of my life of creativity...I feel like I've put it out there & already the Universe is rising up to meet me.

First off, a friend approached me about participating in an art show. I was dumbfounded when she approached me about it. I stopped by her place unplanned one day (with a last minute invite of course), and while we were talking she asked me if I thought it was a good idea & if she did it, would I want to be in it. Heck yeah times two, I said. I felt like it was an answer to my silent question of "what am I going to do w/ all these things I make...besides give them away to friends?" Boom...question answered...for the time being anyway. And who knows, maybe it will open the door for additional shows to follow. More to come on that.

Secondly, I had not one, but two major AH HA/EUREKA/BY GEORGE moments. The first one was after a brainstorming session I had with a trusted advisor. I was rambling through all my seemingly disconnected interests/career paths. It wasn't actually during this brainstorming session that I had the light bulb moment, but maybe 10 minutes later when I was by myself driving home from this conversation. It hit me how I could combine a couple of my top interests into one career path that I could potentially support myself financially with as well. It just gelled...together...like magic...in my mind.

So for the next week+ I mulled it over & it kept seeming consistently doable...not like some ideas where the "yeah buts" come around as fast as the initial thought. I finally said it outload to someone, and I don't know if that made it more real or what, but the very next morning while I was having coffee, a lightening flash broke through the morning mind haze & I thought "why in the hell didn't I think of that before?" The second thought was where/how to pull it together. While it hadn't been a "yeah but," I did have concerns about the "where/how"...where to house this new path idea and really, how to fund it.

Not sure if it was good coffee or divine intervention, but that morning I suddenly realized I potentially had access to a physical resource sitting unused within my own family. I made a call to see if it was an option & wasn't met with resistance or even hesitation, but rather with a positive response along the lines of "let me run it up the flag pole and see what we can put together." Sounds like the cost would be but a minute fraction of what they're offering it to others...the where/how was feeling better & better. Because it would also relocate me back to my hometown of Austin (which would just be a little cherry on top)!

I'm still waiting to see what the flag pole has to say, and it could come back differently than it started, but right now it feels promising & is giving me the motivation to keep moving forward regardless of whether I have to rethink the where & how. Feels pretty good right about now.
xoxo

gimme structure

Structure is what I need. I've been sort of aimlessly dabbling in my creativity since starting this blog, with nothing all that concrete to show for it....story of my creative life thus far. Don't get me wrong, I have some things I've created that I'm proud of, and a couple things I'm working on that I'm excited about finishing, but nothing is done & I'm not producing like I'd like to...not in a way that's eventually going to get me published or exhibited or even a solid inventory for Etsy.

I think what's lacking is discipline, deadlines, structure...it's all too "out there, somewhere, in the future" still. I had a friend inquire when he could read a short piece I've been "working on" for ages now & I realized it wasn't anymore closer to being finished (or finessed) than many months ago when he'd last brought it up. Recently, I also had another friend over lunch offer to be a "technical consultant" of sorts & offer tidbits as needed on my writing. Both of these got me feeling both inspired and anxious, but more importantly, it got me thinking that having someone waiting to read (or see) my work helps put the pressure on...makes me accountable. For instance, 2 friends' birthdays are coming up which means 2 art pieces I started as gifts need to get completed...one by next weekend, one by month's end. While it's both frustrating and motivating to have hard stops lurking, it just seems to be the way I work best. I'd like to say that I could instigate a sense of self-motivation...that I should want it enough to rise to the occassion of completing something or even just working on something for the sheer personal satisfaction of getting it done. Alas, that just does not seem to be how I'm wired to function. But there's nothing like a deadline looming or having someone egging you on to light the fire under the ass of procrastination.

So even though neither of these friends are "writers" and even though neither of them will likely be editors or critics, just having them waiting seems to be enough for now to force me to get busy. And because there might not always someone volunteering to read my work or birthdays to make gifts for (plus I'd actually like to start having real editors read my writing & have art pieces to show & sell instead of everything being given away or as reading material for horny friends), I do need to start doing it for myself...and I'm hoping setting some imaginary deadlines will give me the faux internal motivation to produce something regularly.

So to start, I've set a deadline with one of the above mentioned reader friends to have a more final draft of this elusive many-months-come-and-gone story ready to read this Sunday. It's already helped me putter around with it a bit yesterday & this morning & will give me a reason to sit & buckle down to work on it this weekend! Let's see how it works out....fingers crossed.

xoxo.